


The OTHER Princess Bride (Wherein Some Things Happen That Are Very Similar To The Original Princess Bride, But It Is Not The Same)

by CharlieChaplin2



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Genre: F/M, The Princess Bride References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-03-05 08:50:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 51,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3113612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharlieChaplin2/pseuds/CharlieChaplin2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Sailor Moon did the Princess Bride. Ha! The great S. Morgenstern would be turning over in his grave! ;D </p><p>You don't have to have seen/read The Princess Bride to enjoy this fic, but be warned that it might provide a few spoilers if you haven't... I suggest you go read the book, watch the film and then come back and enjoy. Definitely come back. Yes, that would be advised. Like, super advised. Coming back to read this fic is THE most important part of that whole process... more important than reading The Princess Bride and watching the film, to be honest. Look, if you're going to just read that book and then watch the film and then NOT come back, then I suggest that you just forget the first two steps and read this fic instead. It's waaaay better... ok, that's a pretty arrogant and unfounded statement to make, but you're here now. You can always go read the Princess Bride, and then see the film (which is SO GOOD, by the way!) later. Like, after you've read this story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Choosing a Title is Tricky, Tricky Business Indeed!

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the dear JenBunny for the JenFest about three years ago. The whole thing was organised (and this fic beta'ed) by the ever wonderful Lovely Lytton.

**"The Princess Bride … Well, The _Other_  Princess Bride… Not The One From The Book That Was Turned Into a Film Starring That Guy Who Was In Robin Hood: Men In Tights, and André The Giant, and Robin Wright (Before She Married and Then Divorced Sean Penn) and The Guy Who Played Columbo and That Kid From The Wonder Years." **

**  
  
****Right, that title is too long. Yes, much too long. And somewhat ridiculous. Let’s think of something better, shall we? Hmm…**  


**The Princess & the...   
  
**

**No, no. Too short. Too direct. How about putting something in front of it? Like, ‘The Story’  
  
**

**The Story of the Princess-  
  
**

**Actually, you know what? I’ve thought of a better word than ‘story’: ‘tale’. That’s rather good, isn’t it? Yes, I quite like that. The Tale…  
  
** **Right, so, hmm…**  


**The Tale of the Princess &… &… hmm… Maybe I’ll just go back to ‘story’.  
  
**

**"The Story of the Princess and the Pirate."**

******...**

**...**

**...**

**Something’s off. Maybe I should swap those two around?**

**  
****"The Story of the Pirate and the Princess"?**  


 **There.  
  
** **On second thought, no. No, forget it. I definitely think that gives away a little too much…**  
  
 **Oh crud… by saying _that_  I’ve gone and given away too much, haven't I? Dammit.**  
  
...

**...**

**  
Or have I?!**

 

 **OoOOooOoh! I could be _tricking_ you! This could all be an ingenious ploy so that you'll have _no_ idea what the plot is going to be. This story  _could_  be about pirates and princesses. Or it might not. For all you know, I could be leading you down a slow and craftily wound path of deception, so that when you actually do read the story you’ll be completely taken aback by the content! HA! Mwahahaha! I am a most excellent writer! I am sitting here all smug and knowing (I wanted to put ‘all knowing’ but I’d already used the word ‘all’ before the word smug and using it again would have sounded silly, really) and  _you_  have no idea what’s going to come! Mwahahaha! MWAHAHAHAH-  
  
** **Oh never mind.**  
  
 **I don’t think it’s working. I’m betting you’re much too clever, anyway. You’ll probably figure this out soon enough, so I might as well come clean. I don’t actually _know_  what the story is about. I haven’t even written it yet. For all I know, there are  _no_  pirates. I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a princess, though. I mean, come on, what’s a story if there’s no princess? At the very least there’s got to be a prince. **  
  
 **There might be a giant in it too. The original _Princess Bride_  has a giant, so why shouldn’t this one? Maybe he won’t be a giant though, that could make things awkward. Maybe he’ll just be really tall? Taller than average. Obviously he’ll still be called ‘a giant’ because it’s not very exciting having a character called ‘____ the Taller than Average Bloke’. **  
  
 **_Hmph,_  this whole choosing-a-title business is much more difficult than people let on, you know. **  
  
 **Right, I’m going to make a decision. I’ve spent over a whole page trying to choose a title. This is becoming quite absurd. Perhaps I’ll just go back to the beginning (isn’t that always the way?). Yes, the beginning sounds best.**  
  
 **Ok, good. Got it. I have my title (unless, of course, I can come up with a better one by the end). Here it is:**

 ****  
  
The _OTHER_  Princess Bride (Wherein Some Things Happen That Are Very Similar To The Original  _Princess Bride_ , But It Is Not The Same).  


**Actually that’s not half bad, is it? Let’s get this tale on the road, shall we? Yes, let’s…**


	2. In Which There is Romance

 

 

 

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away (I _know_ what you're thinking. I can see you rolling your eyes and mouthing 'how  _awfully_ cliché' but it's a story with a PRINCESS! How on earth did you expect it to start? In a bar in Azerbaijan?! No, don't answer that, it's rhetorical). Right, now, where was I?

Ah yes:

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a lovely, young girl named Serena (which, to be honest, was a bit of an unusual name for her since she was anything but 'serene'. I mean, I'm not saying she was  _annoying_  or anything. She was actually very sweet, if a little whiny at times, and she got on with most people. I suppose a good way to describe her was 'bubbly', 'lively' even… well, when she woke up, anyway… the girl could sleep like a log and would often have to be shoved out of bed for her to get up in the mornings. Either that or her brother would put their farm cat on her face, a farm cat which did not enjoy being moved and woken up in the mornings either, mind you, so you could guess the commotion which would often ensue).

Serena was a little clumsy, but that's because she was still quite young. She wasn't the best singer in the world (in the sense that dragging nails down a chalkboard sounded nicer), she wasn't that great an artist, either (although she always did manage to stay within the lines when she painted), and whenever she sewed, the stitches came out all wonky. To her credit, she did  _try_. Everything she did, she put her whole heart into, and really, at the end of the day that's all that matters, isn't it?

One thing Serena most certainly put all of her effort into was eating. My goodness, that girl could eat. And eat. Three meals a day, big ones, mind you, and plenty of snacking in between, she'd give a hobbit a run for its money on its best day. And yet she always managed to stay so skinny! Now if it this happened today, more than likely her parents would have tested her for hyperthyroidism, since people afflicted with that condition (amongst other, much less desirable symptoms) tend to be able to stuff their faces and not gain a single pound in weight, but this is a romantic-ish tale back in the make believe 'Days of Yore' so let's assume that she doesn't have hyperthyroidism and that she just runs around the farm a lot, so she has a fast metabolism, and good genes.

Serena lived on a medium sized farm with her parents, her extremely annoying younger brother, her cat and the rather odd farm boy.

Well,  _I personally_ wouldn't have called the farm boy odd. It was the  _young girl named Serena_ who was the one to call him odd.

In actual fact he was rather handsome. And intelligent. And gentle. And capable (when I say 'capable' I mean he tended to be good at whatever he put his mind to, he was very talented, actually. I don't remember if he could play the piano, but I'm betting that if he did, he would have been very good at it). Did I mention that he was rather handsome? Because he was most certainly that. Yes, very handsome indeed. Black, shiny hair, eyes the dark blue of a stormy ocean at midnight, strong, tanned muscles that rippled as he washed and brushed and scooped and gathered and did all the things required of a farm boy on a farm. When he spoke (which was a rare occasion) his voice had a lovely sound to it. It was deep, but not so deep that it rumbled, no, it was quite smooth and altogether very pleasant to listen to.

The farm horse seemed to like him very much (the farm boy would often whisper to the farm horse when he'd brush him down. The farm boy had named the farm horse Helios and would refer to him as such whenever he talked to him, even though officially the farm horse's name was Mr Horsey-Face (and I'll give you one guess as to who named him that... (it was Serena, in case you weren't sure...))).

The farm cat was also unusually fond of him, and that was saying something, because Luna (or Mrs Kitty-Witty as she was otherwise known) was something of a grumpy and peculiar animal, known to hiss at guests and even certain residents on the farm (Serena in particular, whose face she clawed at most mornings). Yet around Darien (for Darien was the name of our rather handsome and capable farm boy), Luna was always the pinnacle of farm kitty adorableness, weaving around his ankles and purring loudly, bringing him gruesome gifts of dead field critters and sometimes even sleeping in his lap.

And then there were the two farm cows, Hestia and Vesta (a.k.a. Miss Moo-Moo-Pie and Miss Daisy-Cowpat), who were very obedient doe-eyed creatures, and who always seemed to produce the best quality milk when it was he who milked them. As with the farm horse Darien would talk to them, soothing them with that lovely tone of his, sometimes even singing to them in a language quite unknown to Serena's ears (while she tried to hide it, Serena quite liked to hear him murmur out a song when he was milking the farm cows, and she would often hide on top of the haystack in the barn just to listen to him).

Outwardly, Serena did not get along with the farm boy (now, I'm not going to go down the same route as Buttercup and Wesley, with all that nonsense about how it took her  _ages_  to realise that she loved him. No, I prefer the direct approach, and as silly as my heroine Serena is, I feel she's altogether much cleverer than Buttercup, so yes, no denial, no taking ages to 'wake up to her feelings'). From the beginning - okay, maybe not from the _very_ beginning (Serena was around ten when Darien first arrived on the farm and was a little young to understand those kinds of deep emotions) but very _near_ the beginning, when the farm boy had only been working on the farm for a few years - Serena had known that she loved him. It wasn't a difficult thing to know, since what else could make a heart flutter like hers did? When he was in each and every single one of her waking thoughts and dreams, what greater symptom was there? When just a look at his dark and stormy midnight ocean eyes made her excessively weak in the knees, what other illness could it be but love? (I'm not going to use the term 'true love' because that is  _horribly_ cliché, but it was true love all the same).

The capable farm boy named Darien, only being about three years older than her, realised that he loved her about the time she had turned fourteen and had given Helios the farm horse its ridiculous name. From that point onwards, he had been lost to all others. And as she matured, becoming more beautiful and growing less whiny, he fell more and more in love with her. Each day he did not think it was possible to fall more in love, and yet by each night, he'd found that his love for her had doubled in size.

For very different reasons, neither of them revealed their attraction to the other for a very long time. For Serena's part she did not think that he loved her back. He was always  _so_  quiet,  _so_ very in control.  _He_  never seemed weak in the knees, _he_  never seemed to flush hotly when they were in close proximity to each other.  _He_  never once made a move on any of her subtle advances (and by subtle I mean things like yelling out "Oh no! I am standing under a garland of MISTLETOE! Farm Boy! Do you see that I am standing under a garland of mistletoe? What will  _happen_  if I continue to stand under this garland of mistletoe, I wonder?" at the family Christmas dinner (Darien's response had been to reach up, unpin the mistletoe and move it a foot to the left so that she was no longer under it). Another memorable occasion was this one:

"Oh Farm Boy," she said as breathless as possible, dashing around a corner. "Hold me! I thought I saw a cat jump out of the bushes and it frightened me!" Her cheeks were red, as if she'd been running, but in actual fact she'd spent the past few minutes slapping herself to get them that colour. And they stung rather badly, so at least the tears she was crying had been real…

Darien looked at her, deliberately not holding her, she noted, and frowned. "You  _thought_  you saw the cat jump out of the bushes?"

Serena had the back of her hand to her forehead like other dramatic ladies tended to do in fairy tales. "Yes! Now hold me or I shall surely faint!" It was more of a command than a request, really.

Darien appeared oblivious to her needs. "Was it  _your_  cat or another cat?"

"What?" Serena pulled her hand from her face, now a little annoyed that this was not going according to plan.

"Which cat was it?" He bent down and began to search under the foliage for the offending feline. "I've been looking for Luna-"

"Mrs Kitty Witty!" Serena exclaimed, hating it that he refused to use her name for the farm cat.

He stopped searching for a moment to look at her, his dark and stormy blue eyes knocking all the fight out of her. "I've been looking for…" he hesitated a moment before continuing, "the farm cat, all day. Help me find her, it's almost dark and I don't want her out of doors after nightfall." He began his search again, clicking his tongue softly and calling Luna's name.

Serena stormed off, genuinely put out because he seemed to be more concerned for the farm cat's well being than for hers. "Look yourself, Farm Boy! You're meant to take care of the animals, not lose them!"

There were quite a few of these failed attempts at seduction, but I really can't be too mean, she was still young and blissfully naïve at that point in time so it was all chalked down to inexperience rather than just being ridiculous).

So when the other village girls chased after Darien, our capable farm boy, Serena pretended as if she didn't care in the slightest. When they asked about him, she would call him 'odd' and tell them all about his peculiarities (partly to show everyone that she wasn't interested, but mostly it was to try and discourage the other girls from going after him, she was, after all, deeply in love with him and therefore felt she had a right to feel jealously possessive, even though, as I've said before, she pretended to not like him at all). His peculiarities, according to Serena, included his fondness for reading, his ability to get along with almost any animal on the farm, the fact that he was always sweaty and dirty from work (this led to his daily visits to the river to wash, although she kept that little tid-bit to herself), and the fact that he rarely spoke. To be honest none of it seemed to work, in fact, for some  _unfathomable_  reason it had the opposite effect. They just chased after him more. In the end, what caused the silly village girls to leave him alone was his own aloofness towards them, something which Serena thought made them even more foolish. The village girls did not realise how  _attractive_  his reserve was, and more was the pity for them.

As for Darien, his reason for not revealing his love for Serena was related to money. He didn't have any. What was the point in telling her he loved her if there was nothing he could do about it? He knew she loved him, he knew he loved her. He'd thought about leaving to go make his fortune but the problem was it would take time. She was young and as deep as their love for each other ran, there was no guarantee that she would wait for him. After all, she was indescribably beautiful (actually, I should emphasise this point so that you don't think I'm just a lazy writer who couldn't be bothered to come up with a decent description. Serena's beauty was literally indescribable. I mean, as an author, I could try and give you a general picture of what she actually looked like: long, light blonde hair, bright bluebell eyes, cherry lips, rosy cheeks, supple breasts etc. but it wouldn't hold a candle to what she actually looked like. Her beauty wasn't exactly something you could put into words. You had to see it to understand, so yes, indescribable. Anyway, I digress.)

Now where was I? Ah yes, Darien knew that she loved him, and that he loved her. But he also knew that she was incredibly beautiful, very young and her family weren't exactly rollin' in dough, either. There was no guarantee that she would wait for him. If a handsome prince happened to wander up their road and spot her, he'd offer her money and jewels and a crown, and why on earth would she not take it? It would be stupid not to. Especially if Darien was gone, with no way of guaranteeing he could make his fortune. So for that reason Darien stayed, and waited, and deliberately kept his true feelings to himself. Serena needed to make the first move. Darien needed to see that she was mature enough, strong enough in herself to make that leap forward. Once she did that, he knew that he'd be able to count on her to wait for him. Only then could he go to seek his fortune.

It happened one day when he was milking Vesta (a.k.a. Miss Daisy-Cowpat).

"Don't forget to milk Miss Moo-Moo-Pie as well!" She was standing behind him that day, instead of hiding on top of the haystack like she usually did. To Darien, despite the hostility in her voice, this was a very good sign. He began to mentally list the things that he would take with him from his hut for his long expected journey.

"I won't," he said, smiling (although she didn't see his smile since he had his back to her, which was a pity because it was a stunning smile, radiating his happiness and making him even more handsome than before). "Anything else?" he dared to ask, pausing in his task and waiting with baited breath.

"No," she said, after a long silence.

His shoulders sagged. It appeared she'd lost her nerve. "I see," he said simply and went back to milking Vesta.

She spun on her heel and stomped out. "While you're at it, muck out Mr Horsey-Face's stable! And feed the chickens! And don't forget you're meant to shine the cauldron!" she yelled as she left, evidently angry at her own cowardice and taking it out on him. "I want to see my face in its shiny, coppery bottom!"

"Of course," he muttered and finished up milking Vesta. About a minute later he was done and stood up from the stool, stretching. He turned around, only to find that Serena had crept back into the barn, and was standing behind him.

He'd never known her to be able to sneak up on him before. This was new. This was big. His initial instincts had not been wrong. They'd just been early.

"Darien," she stated simply. This was the first time she'd used his real name.

"Yes?" he asked, faking being casual.

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I love you," she said, fidgeting with her fingernails, her bright eyes cast downwards.

When she looked up, he was standing much closer than he'd ever dared to before.

"I know," he said, smiling kindly at her, and this smile beat the last one by about ten times.

"Do-" She hesitated for a moment before trying again. The second time, her voice came out in a breathless whisper, a real breathless whisper, nothing like the fake ones she'd tried so many times before in her failed seduction attempts. "Do…you love me too?" she asked.

"Of course," he said. "More than you will ever realise."

And then he kissed her.

Now in _The Princess Bride_ , if you will recall, it is at this point that the narrator rates the kiss. I am not going to do this, because let's be honest, you can't compare a kiss of one couple with a kiss of another couple. Kissing is all very subjective. You can compare kisses that you've had with other kisses that you've had, but say, Cinderella and Snow White got together for a girly night and tried to figure out who was the better kisser, Prince Charming Number One (Cinderella's fella, whose real name, if you're interested, was Gustav) or Prince Charming Number Two (Snow White's fella, who interestingly enough was also named Gustav…hey, it could have been worse, they could have both been named 'Horace'), they wouldn't be able to solve it, they would never be able to agree.

I think it's enough to say that it was a pretty darn good kiss. Mind-blowing, actually, especially for a first one (which are usually just your standard closed-mouth peck on the lips, or your slobbery fumbling). Serena had never been kissed before, so she couldn't really compare it to other experiences. But much later on, when she looked back on her memories (after having been kissed very many times) she was very certain that this kiss was rated extremely highly on her list. Darien, you see, had surprisingly good technique (I told you he was capable!) and Serena seemed to follow his lead very well. There were sparks and butterflies and flashes of lightning within their bellies. There was lots of 'drowning in each other's essences' and 'tasting of rain and soft heavens', there was enough 'gentle caressing of each other's cheeks' to last a lifetime, and plenty of 'eye-staring into each other's souls'. It was all very romantic.

I do hope you get the point, because I would like to get on with the story. I have a word limit I'd like to stick to, you see, and a limited time in which to get to it. Besides, there's not very much more I can tell you at this point without using very silly and over-the-top, lovely-dovey language.

Suffice to say that nothing really happened over the next few days except for lots of hand-holding and 'I love you more, no I love you more' games. So if you don't mind, let's skip a bit and move onto the next chapter.

 


	3. Parting is Such Screechy Sorrow

Blah, blah, blah, for a few days they were blissful and there was lots of kissing and even Serena's parents noticed the wonderful change blah, blah, blah. Here's where it gets important:

"Serena," Darien, our capable and handsom farm boy, whispered (I don't know why, but couples always whisper to each other, even when there's no actual need to be quiet. It's just one of those things, I suppose).

Serena, who had been dozing on his chest under an apple tree, looked up, "Yes?" she asked, her beautiful, bright, blue eyes shining with love (this is the first and only time I will use that phrase, because it's pretty safe to assume that from now on, her eyes will always be shiny with love. Things would start to get repetitive and therefore boring if I were to keep mentioning it, like this: 'Someone's at the door,' she thought to herself as her eyes shone with love; "Have a nice day at work dear!" she called, her eyes shining with love; "The cat just threw up a fur ball, eww!" She scrunched her face in disgust, but also her eyes shone with love etc.)

"I have to leave."

" _What_?" She jolted up. She was no longer whispering. Already her bottom lip quivered like a gentle leaf in a strong wind.

He sat up as well and looked her square in the eyes. "I have to tell you about myself and then I'm going to leave." He placed both of his strong, tanned and wonderful hands against her soft and rosy cheeks. "Don't be upset, I will come back for you." He kissed the top of her head. "I swear it. And you must promise to wait for me."

She frowned, and it only made her lovelier in his eyes. "Of course I'll wait for you. But why do you have to leeeeeeeave?" She whined out the last word quite squeakily and he couldn't help but wince. Even so, it only made her lovelier in his eyes (damn, I've just used that line, haven't I? Well, it's like the 'shiny love' thing. It'll get repetitive so I just won't mention it again. As a competent reader, I'm sure you can remember that everything she does makes her lovelier in his eyes, just like you can remember that her eyes shine with love for him…honestly, where did these lines come from? Who on earth has shiny love-eyes? What author went round, extolling the virtues of such flowery nonsense until they became so popular that practically every love story in the history of the world has adopted them?) Now where was I? Oooh, and I'll tell you another thing! Try and keep your train of thought when you're writing a story like this, it's next to impossible! You constantly find yourself getting lost and having to re-read half of what you've written just to get back on track, and when you do, you notice all the little mistakes and areas which could do with improvement. No wonder writing takes so bloody long!

Right! Anyway, like I said before, word limit, time limit, plus I'm due for a nap soon. Back to the lovely girl Serena:

"Of course I'll wait for you. But why do you have to leeeeeeeave?"

"Because I have no money, my darling, and we can't live on love alone. Pretty soon you'd starve, and then where would we be?"

Serena folded her arms and pouted at the implication. "You'd starve pretty soon, too," she grumbled.

He gave her an indulgent smile. "My appetite isn't as…healthy as yours," he said diplomatically, drawing her in for a hug. "I wouldn't want you any other way."

"Where will you go?" she asked, giving into his warm embrace. She gazed up when he didn't answer and saw the look of determination which crossed his very handsome features. "Darien?"

"Serena, it's time you knew the truth about me," he said finally, with a serious dark and stormy gaze.

"The truth?" she repeated wearily.

"Yes, Serena. The truth. I," he took in a deep breath, "am an ex-Prince."

Now I imagine that for anyone (let alone, sweet, excitable Serena), finding out that your boyfriend is actually a Prince is pretty damn thrilling, so I'm sure you'll forgive her for having skipped right over the 'ex' part and tackling him to the ground in a rather ferocious hug.

"A Prince!" she exclaimed as her eyes shone even more with love (DAMN IT! >.<) "Why that's wonderful! You must have plenty of money! Can we go and get it now? Can you buy me a stunning wedding dress so that I can look beautiful for you at our wedding? Do I get to wear a _tiara_?" That last part hit a bit of a screech and a neighbouring dog began to howl even though it was the middle of the day and dogs tend to howl at night (when things are properly spooky). "I have to tell my parents!"

She made to get up and run into the house, but Darien, who loved her very much and knew her better than she knew herself, had predicted this, and his hand stayed firmly clamped around her own. "Serena, my love, my dove, my only," he said calmly, knowing these kinds of endearments tended to turn her into mush, "you must listen to what I am telling you. I'm an  _ex_  Prince. I'm not a Prince anymore, and I haven't been since I was eight years old." (I was going to insert an ' _Artist formerly known as Prince_ ' joke here, but I couldn't fit it in).

Serena gasped, and sat back down, looking with fresh eyes on the man that she thought she knew. She realised all of a sudden that Darien had known all about her and her so-far-uneventful life, but she knew nothing about his, outside of his time as the farm boy, of course. She felt very selfish and immature at that point, and resolved to become less egotistical. "What happened?" she asked, with a new-found sense of maturity. "Tell me about your life."

Darien, being the capable farm boy ex-Prince, noticed the change immediately and was very proud of her. He kissed the top of her head in gratitude, and then began his tale:

" _I was the only son of a King and Queen. It was a small kingdom, about the same size as Switzerland_."

"Is that the place with all the chocolate?!" Serena asked excitedly, hoping that there would be chocolate in this story, and then perhaps chocolate afterwards.

"Serena, please. I've only just begun my tale."

Serena bowed her head. "I'm terribly sorry," she apologised, remembering her new-found sense of maturity, and gestured for him to continue. "Please, go on."

" _It was known as the Golden Kingdom. Even though it was not a big country, we did have a high export to import ratio, and a respectable GDP. We tended to specialise in tertiary industries, not unlike Switzerland. We were a bit of a tax haven_."

By that point he noticed that he was losing his audience.

" _So anyway, long story short. My father, the King, was a bit of a gambler and lost most of the kingdom's fortune in a massive celebrity poker tournament._ "

"How awful for you and your people!" Serena exclaimed, placing one hand on her heart and using the other to clutch at Darien's in genuine sympathy.

"It gets worse," he said sourly, squeezing her hand in gratitude for her compassion.

" _Being too ashamed to tell anyone that he'd ruined his kingdom, he took out a very high interest loan from a Prince Diamond._ "

"Isn't he the Prince Regent of _this_ kingdom?" Serena interrupted, eager to impress Darien with her wealth of political knowledge (which basically ended there).

Darien's dark and stormy eyes became even more stormy…and dark. "The very same."

Serena gasped in surprise at his change in mood, now thoroughly intrigued. "And what happened?" she asked.

" _As security for the loan, my father, the King, had put up the kingdom. And when his gambling addiction overcame him again, and he inevitably had to default on the loan…_ " Darien's fist shook as the words came to him. " _Prince Diamond repossessed the Golden Kingdom._ "

"No!" said Serena rather dramatically, even though she wasn't entirely sure what had happened.

Darien, seeing that she was in fact still clueless, explained the concept of a loan to her. It took him a few tries, but when she finally got it, the look of pain at her lover's loss was exceptionally touching.

"What happened to your family?"

"Well, my father, the King, was killed by an angry mob."

"Oh no!" (Here Serena's lips quivered and a tear began to form). "I know it was all his fault and everything, but it's still terrible!"

"Yes, it is. Although, while I'm not one to condone violence, he did gamble away his entire country, abused his position as leader terribly, and left all of his subjects in the lurch. I would have been quite angry as well. I can sort of understand why they did it."

"And your mother?"

"I assume she's fine, got remarried to a shipping tycoon, although her arrangement didn't include me, so she left me on the side of the road when I was eight."

Serena's eyebrows were raised as she blinked, confused and somewhat horrified at the kind of people her beloved came from. "I see." 

Darien sighed at the memory. "I don't think that was very nice of her. She was never a very loving woman. But I suppose in some ways," (and here he looked up at Serena and gave her that kind smile that he'd had when she'd first told him that she loved him) "I think it all worked out for the best with me. I found you, my darling."

Serena melted under his gaze, "Oh Darien! My dear ex-Prince!" she exclaimed with passion. "I can see you're very hurt over the loss, but I don't care if you have a kingdom or nothing at all! I love you! I love you no matter who you are, or what you have!" She hugged him very tightly in one of her more aggressive holds.

When he was finally able to get her to let go, and to suck in some much needed air, he gave her his trademark stormy look. "Your sweet love and compassion is the exact reason I must leave. You deserve only the best, and I will not be worthy of you until I can offer you a kingdom in exchange for your hand in marriage."

"But surely, you don't mean…"

"I do. I am going to make enough money to buy back my rightful inheritance!"

"But that will take so loooooong!" Serena's new-found maturity was shoved into the proverbial back seat.

"I'm hoping no more than five years," he said in his most soothing voice.

Serena began to bawl at the number. " _Five years_?! How will I live for five whole years separated from you?" Her bawling turned to wailing. "I won't let you gooooo! You can't leeeeave meeeeeee!"

The crying and begging and pleading and explaining and weeping and convincing went on for some time afterwards. Days in fact, so I'll spare you the details. I'm sure you have a general idea on how it went. The girl seemed to have an infinite supply of tears, and just when you thought they'd dried up, she went and rehydrated herself and started weeping all over again.

Thankfully, Darien had prepared for all of this, so he did a decent job of consoling her, but that being said, when the time came for him to leave, it didn't make the separation any easier for either of the parties involved.

I think… I think here I will take another page out of the original Princess Bride and leave this parting veiled. I don't really think I have the skills as a writer to truly pull off the deep sorrow that was felt between the two as they separated, or the utter heartbreak. Suffice to say that only a promise by Darien to write her every single day and to come back no later than in exactly five years, was enough for Serena to finally let go of his hand. Even then it was almost impossible and she stayed in the same spot, watching long after his handsome form disappeared from view.

Darien vowed he would return to her. Nothing could keep love apart.

Within three months, she received her last letter. He was dead.

 


	4. Of Research and Friendship

* * *

Two years rolled away quickly and still Serena's grief did not abate. From her research she'd found out very little about what exactly happened to her great love, Darien (but that only was because she wasn't very good at research, not because there was a lack of information). 

Another two years flew by and, after Serena took a long-distance learning course on Research & Analysis (her father helped pay for it with some of his pension money and her mother had been given a discount voucher for it by the Ye Olde Open University after _she_ had completed a course there on String Theory (and yes, Serena's mother had mistakenly thought she had signed up for a macrame class but actually found out that she was very interested in that sort of science-y stuff... anyway where was I? ah yes)), after another two years (and now armed with a much more competent ability to research stuff), Serena, unfortunately, found out more than she would have ever wanted to know about her dearest Darien's fate. Her beloved had been on a ship destined for the East (where he planned to make his fortune with the cocoa plant) when his ship had been captured and sacked by a pirate. Apparently, it was this pirate's very first sacking of a ship and he'd gotten extremely lucky, and it seemed like he also got an early taste for bloodthirstiness because he left absolutely no survivors. When she'd learnt these details Serena wept all over again, as if she had just been told for the first time that her Darien was dead. She burned the name of the evil pirate lord into her heart, and, since she'd now spent four years learning how to research things properly (including taking an expensive and very challenging long-distance learning course), she followed his increasingly successful career in the papers and government reports (it may have been the Days of Yore, but that particular Kingdom was very interested in maintaining transparent government). The pirate was known as the  _Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion,_  nicknamed  _Lord Endy -_  so called, according to some, because he would  _end_  you very quickly.

(I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and say that I'm almost one hundred per cent sure that you've already guessed his real identity, especially since we're all Sailor Moon addicts and he has a name like 'Endy' (and because I'm also assuming you've seen The Princess Bride, if you haven't then I'm kind of spoiling it a little for you...perhaps you should stop reading now and go read the book, or watch the film, or both...actually, do both, both would be good... wait, have I just suggested you stop reading? Oh dear, that isn't very clever of me... urm, you know what?  _Don't_ stop reading, because, um... the film and book weren't that great anyway... Oh, who am I kidding? They were bloody brilliant! Excellent stuff, with appeal for both girls and boys. They were hilarious! Billy Crystal had me in stitches in the movie! "HUMPA'DINK! HUMPA'DINK HUMPA'DINK HUMPA'DINK!", "While you're at it, why don't you just give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it!" Hehehehe, *ahem* sorry. Right, where was I? Oh right!) Darien conveniently chose this name from his love of ancient mythology, you know, the old Serenity and Endymion myth? Anyway, Serena didn't put the two together, despite having done very well in her long-distance learning course on Research & Analysis (she'd never really been a fan of ancient mythology, you see, and Darien never really had had the time to teach her, what with all the 'soul staring' and kissing and hand holding that they had been busy with) so for now we have to keep things going as if we don't yet know the Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion's real identity).

At the beginning of the fifth year after Darien's 'untimely demise', Prince Diamond, Prince Regent of the land, decided he wanted to take a tour of his future kingdom (for some unimportant reason that does not need to mentioned... ok, fine, I couldn't think up an exciting or plausible excuse as to why Prince Diamond would randomly drive around remote parts of his kingdom, so I haven't put one in. You know, I shouldn't have to think of _everything_ all of the time! It was hard enough coming up with _this_ story, I mean, even though the characters aren't originally mine, and the plot is (very loosely) based on a well-known novel-turned-film, I've had to create quite a few ideas of my own!  _You_  can use your imagination, that's what it's there for, isn't it? And why  _does_  he need a proper reason to take a tour of his kingdom anyway? It's  _his_  kingdom, or it will be at any rate, he should be able to do as he likes… There! That's a perfectly good reason! You see? I _do_ think of everything!) So anyway, Prince Diamond, Prince Regent of the land, decided he wanted to take a tour of his future kingdom  _because he damn well felt like it and because he could and that should be good enough reason for anybody!_  He'd heard tell of a beautiful maiden who lived on a medium sized farm with her parents, her brother and an old farm cat, so when he was in the area he thought it would be interesting to see her for himself.

Upon arrival (and he arrived in a very grand and ornate carriage, pulled by some very fine white horses, surrounded by a fleet of footmen and accompanied by a beautiful young eunuch playing a trumpet ( _aha_! I caught you out there, didn't I? Because how many eunuchs do _you_  know who play the trumpet? Actually, I'd be curious to know how many eunuchs you know at all…I don't know any, personally). Anyway, eunuch, trumpet. I chose that particular instrument because I thought it would suit Prince Diamond's taste more than a harp. A harp is too pretty an instrument, Prince Diamond is more of a warring/hunting/sword-y sort of fellow rather than a… a Faramir from  _Lord of the Rings_  kind of guy, you know? Prince Diamond was adept at the testosterone stuff, but not so good with the sensitive...) Where was I? Ah yes, upon arrival he found a very different woman than he would have had he come to visit five years ago, for standing at the edge of a field, holding a basket of chicken feed, was a woman of twenty one summers, matured and grown and scarred by love, and while her youth still shone from within, her happiness and exuberance were locked away along with the memories of her precious lover.

Upon sight of her radiant beauty, Diamond decided that he had to have her and immediately offered her fame and fortune beyond imagination. Remembering that it was he who had repossessed the loan on her late love's kingdom, Serena almost flat out refused him and spat in his face, but then she looked at the small cottage where her family lived. Her brother was getting married and was the only man young enough to work the farm, her parents were becoming old and infirm and would soon require permanent care, the animals were ageing and they did not have enough money to buy new farm horses or farm cows (she did not feel that a new farm cat would be required). She bit her lip in thought. Diamond was rich, richest of them all, as she could plainly see from the fact that he technically owned _two_  countries and could afford a eunuch who could play the trumpet (Serena was not very worldly, but even she knew that maintaining an entourage of that calibre was pricey), no other offer of marriage would be better. Her family needed the money. If Darien were alive the thought would have never entered her pretty head, but the fact remained that he was not and Serena was on her own.

She turned to Diamond. "I do not love you, Prince Diamond," she stated firmly, "and I never will. My heart is barred forever, scarred by the turmoil of love and loss. But, if you still wish to ask for my hand in marriage with full knowledge of my closed heart, then I will accept your proposal."

Diamond scoffed. "Who said anything about  _love_? Who cares? You're the most beautiful woman in my kingdom and therefore you're the only one worthy enough to be my bride! I'm going to need an heir soon, let us be married!"

And just like that Serena was betrothed to the future King.

In many ways, Serena's life was much improved: her parents were given a very nice place to retire, and were even allowed to take their farm animals (that is, the farm cows, the farm cat and the farm horse, which Serena now called Hestia, Vesta, Luna and Helios, having abandoned using their original names in honour of her beloved). Their new home was not overly large, but they were well taken care of, which suited them just fine. They were given elegant clothes and expensive jewels, maids and cooks and a valet, two fine carriages and a regular income which was more than adequate for all and any of their needs. Serena's brother was given a very respectable job within government and his own home nearby that of his parents.

As for Serena herself, she was given more beautiful dresses than she could ever have wished for; her wedding dress, which was being made by twenty of the best tailors in the kingdom, was going to be the most fine and extravagant gown ever seen, _ever_. She had more tiaras than she knew what to do with, and she was surrounded by wonderful foods and riches and important people. Her bed was made of special feathers plucked from special birds found only on a special island off the coast of Iceland; her rings and earrings, dripping off of her like raining stars, came from places as far and wide as Antarctica (no don't roll your eyes!  _I'm_  the author so  _I'm_  allowed to make up the fact that there are precious jewels in Antarctica!) And yet, despite receiving all the wonderful things that so many people (including her) dreamed of as children, her heart could not rejoice. Not one little bit. It was as if she was still back at the farm: poor and a little bit mucky.

Serena could have the world, you see, but it wouldn't have mattered, she wouldn't have cared, what made gifts special (at least in her opinion) was the person who gave them. Without Darien, nothing mattered, and she walked around Prince Diamond's palace like a ghost, sighing and constantly daydreaming and often weeping.

Prince Diamond didn't notice, or he didn't seem to care if he did. All that mattered was that when he needed her to make an appearance she would be there, dressed to perfection and acting accordingly. As long as she fulfilled her necessary roles he left her alone. And anyway, he was always busy with his entourage as they locked themselves away in his war rooms, plotting and planning. As to what they were thinking up, Serena had no idea, nor did she care.

The King was very old and so was the Queen, they were rarely at home in the palace, spending most of their time in sunnier parts of the country (as retirees often do), and even when they were home the only thing they ever did was sign documents that their younger son placed under their noses. (You see, between Prince Diamond's cavorting around the country and his mysterious plotting with his friends and his long hunting trips and his grand parties, plus the King's and Queen's unofficial retirement, the day to day running of the kingdom fell on the shoulders of the second son, Prince Saffir. Serena quite liked Prince Saffir, and there were even moments when she thought that he looked a little like Darien (although just a little, and not nearly as wonderful) but she rarely saw him, and whenever they did meet, conversation was very pleasant but very short, because he was always so busy running the country).

However, all was not complete doom and gloom at the palace for our Princess. Serena did have one person she could call a friend. She wasn't completely alone. She had several ladies in waiting, but her main one, and most trusted, was an exotic looking creature with bright green, sparkling eyes, beautifully smooth olive coloured skin and nut brown hair that reminded Serena of a deep forest. Her name was Makoto and she hailed from far off Acapulco in Mexico, and unfortunately because she was foreign, and because her name and place of birth sort of rhymed, she was known and referred to by others as  _Makoto of Acapulco_  (it was always "Oh Makoto of Acapulco, can you fetch the Princess Serena's slippers?" or "Makoto of Acapulco, has the Princess decided what she will have at the dinner tonight?" or "Makoto of Acapulco?", "Yes?", "Oh nothing, I just wanted to say your name.") It did not matter that her English was near perfect, or that no hint of a Mexican accent could be detected, she was cursed with the name. But true to her nature, Makoto did not mind at all. She was a very pleasant and kind woman, with a beautiful smile and a heart to match, and Serena could not help but feel a little better whenever Makoto was around.

It was Makoto who convinced Serena to spend her time doing charitable work, "After all, you may have part of your heart locked away very tightly, but a heart such as yours is never all gone. Use what is there to help others, no?" Serena took her point, and often visited the homeless and the orphanages. She set up shelters and she volunteered every week. Prince Diamond didn't care, as long as she was there for his parties (but everyone else was very impressed, indeed). 

Makoto of Acapulco and Princess Serena were very close, Serena had remembered her lesson from Darien about caring where other people came from and what they had been through and listened for long hours as Makoto spoke about her homeland and her reasons for crossing into their country.

"Mexico was rough, it was beautiful, but it was rough. It was hot and dry, but the water was crystal blue. It had deserts and rainforests and strange and deadly creatures, beautiful and terrifying at the same time. I had a man who loved me there, but he left me for another." She sighed and wiped away a tear as Serena offered her a dirty hanky (she had no clean ones, since at her rate of weeping the laundress couldn't keep up) and a gentle embrace (being a Princess meant that she now had to control the strength of her hugs, which wasn't that hard actually. Since Darien had died, her huggy strength had dwindled to more of a limp pat on the back). "So I left, to find a better life." Makoto said in firm resolution.

"But are you happy here?" Serena asked.

"Well, in some ways, yes." Makoto returned the hanky and sighed again. "I know he did not deserve my love, but it still hurts my heart when I think of him. Someday though, I know I will love again, I know I have yet to find my real love. The person who will treat my heart with care and never abandon it!"

Serena was glad that her friend had such faith, even though she knew that she would never feel the same about another man. Her heart had been given to Darien, and it had died with him.


	5. Dun, Dun, Duuuuuuun!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This baby is interactive! Enjoy! ^_^

Now Makoto of Acapulco was not only a great friend and confidant to Serena, she was also filled with useful ideas (see in the last chapter where she suggested doing things for charity. As a side note, Makoto was a fantastic cook as well, and that would have been her first career choice, but when they were hiring at the palace they needed a lady-in-waiting not a chef, so you know, money over passion, as is the way more often than not. So I suppose the fact that she was good in the kitchen isn't relevant to the story, her cooking isn't going to save the day (well, at least, I don't think it will). It doesn't really move the plot forward but I like Makoto of Acapulco as a character and I figured adding more details about her would round her off, make her seem more real, if you will. I also don't really know how much I can fit her into this tale. I mean, she's a lady-in-waiting and this is a story about a Princess, she's kind of a secondary character, you know what I'm saying? Now if this was a story about _ladies-in-waiting_ , then I'd understand. But it isn't. So I'm trying to give her as much of the spotlight as possible now, in case she doesn't get any later on… oh don't look at me like that, I told you in the beginning that I had no idea where this story was going (even if it is heavily ripped off from The Princess Bride)).

So anyway, what was my point?

…

  
Do I seriously have to re-read the last paragraph so I can figure out what I was talking about?

Oh, I can't be bothered. I'm sure it wasn't that important if I can't remember. All that matters was that Serena was a rather gloomy Princess (even more so than usual) as the wedding drew ever closer. Once again managing to be the one to cheer up Serena, it was Makoto who proposed regular horse rides into the country. "To get away from the pressure, eh? This palace is like a gilded cage."

And this was perhaps the greatest idea of her entire life, although she had no clue at the time that such a simple suggestion would so drastically change the shape of their destinies…forever. Cue [dramatic music](http://www.dramabutton.com/)... (I bet if you haven't visited that drama button site before it's going to become your favourite thing now, just like it became mine! But don't spend all day on it, no matter how much you'll want to. You need to get back here to continue reading! I tell you, once I went around for a week pressing the drama button after anyone said anything even vaguely dramatic. Few people, besides myself, were very happy about this: "Damn, I forgot to buy milk." DUN DUN DUUUUUN! "Charlie stop it!"; "Have you seen my shoe?" DUN DUN DUUUUUN! " _Charlie, if you don't stop following me around with that blasted Drama Button I will smash your laptop against the very gates of the Underworld_!" DUN DUN DUUUUUN! ... Yeah, I had to buy a new laptop after that...) So, aaaanyway, getting back to the story, Makoto of Acapulco made a suggestion that would change all their fates forever - she suggested they go for horse rides.

Serena really did enjoy her regular rides with Makoto into the country. They got as far away from the palace as they could, and Serena would gallop as fast as she dared, often giddily racing Makoto through fields and forests and along the river bank, sometimes even riding as far as the river mouth, where it met the sea. They would laugh together as they rode, exhilarated by the thrill of speed and both women would temporarily forget their great heart aches.

It was during one of these rides (having chosen one of their more usual routes through the middle of a forest) that Serena and Makoto came across three very curious men who stood in the middle of their path. One was exceptionally tall, taller than average, a giant even (I told you there would be a giant in this story, although I'm guessing he was really just a guy who was about six foot four…oh alright, give him an extra four inches and make him six foot eight – two hundred and three centimetres for those on the Continent – I've heard that that's considered the threshold for being a giant. Right, so he's a giant, but he's not a tall giant, he's a short one which wouldn't make it awkward if he wanted to date a lady who was reasonably tall, like say, Makoto of Acapulco, not that I'm giving away anything at this point… or am I? DAMN IT!)

The second man was tanned, of average height (although compared to the giant, he didn't look so tall, but he was, I promise you), with blonde hair that took on that special golden colour when it's exposed often to the sea and to sunshine. He had bright blue eyes and a flashy rapier with a very intricately decorated silver and gold hilt strapped to a belt. He wore brown leather boots and a very fine golden moustache which suited his happy face extremely well.

The third man was the most interesting, and (if Serena thought about it) perhaps the most dashing. He was dressed all in black, and wore a black bandanna covering the top half of his head, reaching to just below the bridge of his very fine looking nose. The eyeholes in the bandanna revealed dark and stormy blue eyes, (Serena would have recognised them immediately because she had often spent hours 'drowning' in them during their time together. You know how lovers are, especially those two, one look and she would have known in an instant who this mysterious, dashing (and also capable!) man in black was) but Serena could not get a good look at them from on top of her horse. To her this third man was very mysterious indeed, with a debonair sense of danger about him (it might have had something to do with the fact that he wore a black cape with red lining inside). As she sped along on her horse, approaching them, with Makoto just behind her, he gave her a small nod and a smirk. This gesture, so filled with promise and confidence, compelled Serena to slow her horse and stop to speak to the group.

"What brings such unique and interesting travellers this far into the forest?" she asked in her most regal voice (naturally she had been given elocution lessons in the palace so she sounded less like a country farm girl and more like royalty. It made sense, really).

The man dressed all in black smiled. "May I ask the name of the unearthly beautiful creature who requests such information from us?"

"She asked you your business first!" Makoto cut in, having caught up and was now walking her horse in front of Serena's. She was a protective lady-in-waiting (and rightly so, because really, as a royal lady - especially such an important royal lady - and with their land not being on the friendliest of terms with all of their neighbours, Serena really should have had more protection, as in soldiers/guards, or something. Did they even _have_ special bodyguards in the Days of Yore? I'm sure they must have. Well she should have had a few of those, but she didn't. She didn't think anything of it, but Diamond had done this on purpose, as you'll find out later). Anyway, Makoto did not trust these strange people, (although she did notice that the giant had a particularly handsome visage, with wavy brown hair that reached his ears, a short dark beard which encased his entire jawline and upper lip, a very nice nose - not too big or too small for his face - and deep set eyes, one the wholesome colour of the earth, and the other, the bright blue of the summer sky. His body was strong, and it was obvious through his thin grey cotton shirt that he was pretty muscly (oh, this is all happening at the end of summer, by the way, so it's still warm, but it's coming towards autumn so a slightly thicker dress/shirt or even a rain cloak would have been advisable on most days). Essentially, he looked like [Joe Manganiello but in Days of Yore clothing and with heterochromia](http://cdn05.cdn.justjared.com/wp-content/uploads/headlines/2010/07/joe-manganiello-true-blood-regular.jpg) \- you have to admit, he's a pretty darn perfect Nephrite). Okay enough staring at the half naked guy in the photo, you need to get back to the story. To sum up: Makoto of Acapulco did not trust these men, but in her opinion the giant was extremely goodly-looking.

"Our business?" asked the dashing but dangerous (and capable!) man dressed in black with dark and stormy eyes that Serena had yet to notice (you know what? his description is going to have to be shortened, because I can't keep calling him the 'dashing but dangerous (and capable!) man dressed in black with dark and stormy eyes that Serena had yet to notice', it's a bit long. He's just going to be 'the man in black' from now on). "Our business is with a cold-hearted fiend." His voice was hard as he spoke, as if he were upset. "Be wary, my dear lady-in-waiting, for this creature cloaks itself in the sublime beauty of a young and innocent woman, one who promised to stay faithful to her beloved and then abandoned such true love - and yes, I say 'true love' for it was the rarest of all loves, and the most powerful! This fiend, this temptress, what did she leave this great and true love for? Why  _nothing_! Nothing but the worthless riches and cold embraces of her ex lover's most hated foe!"

Makoto frowned and looked around, assessing which way would best provide their escape route: straight through the men, catching them unaware as they sped past, or turning the horses around and bolting back the way they came. "I will interpret your strange words for those of a man whose heart appears to have been broken. You have my pity sir, but for now, my lady and I must return." She grabbed the reins which had been dropped by her mistress and began to pull the horses back.

Serena did not move, only staring at the man in black with a pale face and eyes full of fear. "Tell me," she demanded, grabbing the reins from Makoto and ushering her horse closer to the trio, "who are you? And what right do you have to accuse me of such things?" Her voice was both angry from his words, and fearful that he knew so much.

The man smiled and bowed theatrically, rocking to the heel of his outstretched front leg and twirling his hand as he bent. "Why I," he announced as he stood up and approached her horse so that Serena's legs touched his chest, "am the Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion," he said with a devilish smile, "and you are now my prisoner."

At his name, rage suddenly filled Serena and it blinded her vision. She looked into his eyes (but like I just said, she was _blinded with rage_ , so she didn't really notice their stormy darkness, hence her not recognising him as being Darien, and yes, ok I know, I'm losing momentum here, this is meant to be a dramatic bit and I'm picking at the details. Anyway, vision, blinded, angry Serena, moving on…) and was about to scream, even fly off her horse and throw herself at him, with nothing but her hatred to fuel her, but she was grabbed suddenly from behind by a strong, large arm which surrounded her waist and pulled her backwards off of her horse. She heard a scream next to her and saw that Makoto had also been pulled off of her horse and that now both of them were being hugged tightly by the giant man.

The golden swordsman approached them as they both struggled futilely in the giant's arms, holding up two cloths. "Pleace forgeeve me beautiful señoritas for what I yam about to doo." And with that he closed the cloths over both of their mouths. Serena stopped struggling as her vision blurred and faded, and then it all went black. (I feel I should mention something about the golden swordsman and his accent… while I'm at it, I might as well give you some background to him. As you may have guessed, he is Hispanic, I'm going to say Spain in particular as opposed to a country in South America because that's the vibe I'm getting from him. I will try and tone down his accent a little so that the words are readable, but bear in mind that his accent is quite thick, and whisper-y: I find a lot of Spanish people, when they speak English at least, sound like they're dramatically whispering (I think this is wonderful, I really cannot get enough, it's a beautiful accent, really), see Julio Iglesias' "[La Carretera](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqAC0zDH1Ts)" as my primary example. I suppose it's technically referred to as a 'husky voice' but I do prefer the term 'whisper-y', it sounds more magical and less like a guy who is burly and giant (Norm the Giant has a husky voice… did I tell you his name was Norm? I don't think I did, right, I'll tell you about Norm after I tell you about Jay…or maybe a little later, like in a future chapter, oh gosh, I suppose I really should have planned this better) anyway, I also think that 'whisper-y' sounds less silly than 'manly breathlessness' which is another way I like to think of it.

So the golden swordsman is from Spain. He's one of those ridiculously gallant people who opens doors for ladies, fights fair  _all of the time_  and is good at playing the guitar (I  _know,_  ok? A Spaniard who can play the guitar, I am aware that this is stereotyping! You can stop with your judging of me (I _know_ you're doing it, I can see it in your eyes… okay I can't, but it was meant as a figure of speech…I think), I'm writing a story within a genre where people fall in love purely on the basis of their looks, so you have to admit that I'm doing a pretty decent job, all things considered). Jay Montoya (pronounced 'Hey Montoya' but with a harsh, guttural 'j', like you're trying to hock a loogie) was the kind of man who went on quests, rescued damsels and mansels (I don't know what the male equivalent of a 'damsel' is, so I made it up) and did good deeds. He even served the King of Spain for a number of years (let's say about nine, yes, nine years, and he did his training there, sort of like a Musketeer, but Spanish…did they even have Musketeers in Spain?) Unfortunately, due to his bright good looks and  _flashy skill with his sword_  (^_~)… I'm sorry, know it's childish, but the euphemism was too good to pass up. Anyway, because he was so handsome and had  _a reputation of handling his weapon impressively_  (hehehehe...) Oh gosh, I'm sorry again, I couldn't help myself. So he was attractive and  _adept at wielding his blade_  (THAT'S THE LAST ONE I PROMISE!) this caused problems, for you see the Spanish King was old and not so attractive. His wife, the Queen, was young and pretty and desperate for some fun.

Poor Jay never stood a chance.

True to his honourable form, he knew it would be improper to start something with his Queen, so he successfully resisted her advances and wily charms but it cost him his job. The Queen, infuriated at the rejection got him fired and he was forced to abandon his dream of a long, honourable service to the King and then a quiet retirement in the country where he would open up a sword-fighting school. After his banishment he was penniless, with nothing but the noble sword handed down to him by his father, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his uncle on his father's side before him (who had had no sons of his own, and whose brother had died early in an unfortunate mishap involving a beetroot). So, having only his skill and his sword, he travelled the country, challenging people to fights and duelling for entertainment in the hopes of earning enough to open his school. When he met Lord Endy, he was on his very last legs (there was not much money in a shamed sword fighter duelling people for entertainment, especially since he'd often have to go through an agent who would take at least sixty seven per cent of the winnings). Darien had seen him fight and was impressed with his potential, so he offered him room and board upon his great pirate ship "Elysium". Jay, being the chivalrous fellow that he was, initially refused, having heard of the Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion's reputation. But after a long heart-to-heart in which Darien told his full tale of woe, Jay was so moved that he joined instantly and took the nickname 'The Spanish Tornado').

(Just to let you know, that last bracket up there isn't a typo, its partner is just found all the way at the beginning of the description of Jay Montoya…I just thought I'd clarify this, as I know how annoying it can be when there aren't enough brackets, or too many in a text… once in a lecture I interrupted the professor to let him know that he forgot to close a bracket. He thanked me kindly but did not rectify the problem, which I thought was quite silly of him, even though his power point was coming from his laptop so all he had to do was press a simple button – well, two buttons (the 'shift' key and the number nine) – but he didn't, he just left that bracket unclosed, I mean, who  _does_ that? So I pointed _that_  fact out to him, and he _still_ didn't change it. By that point I was becoming agitated and offered to do it for him. I even got up and made my way to his computer in what I maintain to this day was a _non-threatening_ manner…He may or may not have  (unfairly) called security).


	6. *GASP* Kidnapped!

When Serena opened her pretty blue eyes, it was to instant pain and regret. Her head span, she felt nauseated (or is it nauseous? I never know which one to use...) and all she wanted to do was go back to sleep. At first she was confused, her mind still heavily groggy. Where was she? What was going on? In the very back of her mind she knew that she should have been worried about the fact that Makoto was sleeping across from her, the lady-in-waiting's head resting carefully in an absurdly large lap. Through her blurred vision she could also see that she was in some sort of carriage, one that was making an awful ruckus and was jerking them quite violently as it moved at what felt like a dizzyingly fast pace. This was not helping her delicate head one little bit. She snuggled in closer to the familiar embrace of Darien, feeling pleasantly warm and less headachy as his arms tightened around her. She closed her eyes and sighed dreamily as he shushed her affectionately with soothing encouragements to go back to slee- _HOLD THE PHONE!_ (ok, they didn't have phones in those days, I admit this is rather anachronistic, but it's a lot better than 'HOLD ON A MOMENT!' which is a little bit boring, in my opinion). Serena's eyes shot open, groggy head be damned! She needed to think cautiously about this. She looked down, careful not to move the rest of her body. The person embracing her was dressed solidly in black clothing: black boots, black piratey pants (well what else am I supposed to call them? He's a pirate for crying out loud), black belt with a black sword sheath, and a black shirt. While Serena's reasoning skills were not exactly stellar, it was pretty obvious that the man holding her was the man in black. But! There was definitely something else. Something which set her heart racing faster than an extremely nervous hummingbird's. She did her best to keep her breathing steady, but if she'd been able to, she'd have been heaving like a very weak horse after winning a very long race while carrying a very fat man.

Her cheek, she noticed, was pressing against a very familiar chest. She pushed her face against it, just a little, a barely noticeable fraction, and it seemed to confirm part of her suspicions. Yes, it was just the right amount of give (it wasn't very much because Darien was quite muscly, so it was more like pressing her cheek into a warm and smooth wall). That made her about thirty per cent positive as to her captor's real identity.

Her waist, she _also_  noticed, was surrounded by a very familiar pair of arms. They were strong, like nothing-in-the-world-could-harm-her-while-she-was-in-those-arms strong, but at the same time, they managed to hold her with such delicacy she felt as if she were made of similar-but-not-necessarily Venetian glass (I wanted to think of something other than Venetian glass because it's so cliché, but I'm feeling a little blank this morning...). This fact made her about seventy two per cent sure.

She was being soothed, she  _also also_  noticed, by a very familiar voice. At least the familiar voice  _had been_  soothing her. It had suddenly stopped, as if its owner instinctively knew that she was awake. Only one person in the world could instinctively know when she was awake. This made her ninety nine point reoccurring nine per cent certain as to who the man in black really was.

Dreamily, as if the whole world was slowed, as if she were deep in the ocean, as if everything in the whole universe was trying to stop her, she twisted her head, craning her neck so that she could look up, her cheek tracing the side of his chest, up his ribs. Her eyes only followed suit when she put all of her strength into it, barely daring to look above her at the man in black's face.

A million things whizzed through her mind. She knew of the Dreaded Pirate Lord Endy, so called because he ended people (she had heard that it was also short for Endymion, but the significance had been lost on her, as explained before). She knew he had murdered her beloved, and had forced her to take a long-distance course on how research things from the Ye Olde Open University! She had burned his name into her heart, closing it to love, so that only vengeance would reign when she met him! Never in the history of the world had there been a man so hated, so despised, so much an object of anger and scorn and fury and other adverbs which are used to describe people who are not liked, as Lord Endy! And now, oh now! Could it be? She refused to believe it! Her eyes cast downwards again, looking at his lap, oh! Such a familiar lap! It couldn't be! Her heart pounded and her eyes filled her tears as her head shook, denying the truth with all her being.

"Serena," he whispered. "Look at me."

She was helpless. She could not disobey. She looked up.

Even if she hadn't been ninety nine point reoccurring nine per cent sure already, when her bluebell eyes met his, she felt like she was drowning in a rough, dark sea and being pelted by a thunderous, stormy sky all at once (honestly, I have no idea why people find these kinds of environments romantic. I mean seriously, a storm? Yes, yes, I know! Personification, metaphors, epitomising their 'passionate' emotions, blah, blah, blah, but at the end of the day, your hero and heroine and are standing in the cold rain getting soaked to the bone. He's more likely to resemble a drowned rat than a dashing, debonair hero, and she's almost certain to get a cold, because as we all know, a heroine's immune system has the equivalent strength of a gnat. Plus, if it's a  _really_  dramatic storm (which it usually is), there'll be lightning, which brings me to my next point: why are they never struck by lightning? Lightning is a serious risk, around twenty five thousand people die of lightning every year and I'm willing to bet that most of them were star-crossed lovers. If they're on a beach or a field (which almost all romantic reunions are), those are some pretty open spaces! Lightning searches for the quickest route to the earth, and I'm afraid the hero/heroine would be it (well, almost definitely the hero because he'll be taller and in these kinds of tales it would be out of the question for her to have a few inches on him, they aren't exactly tales of character substance over physical appearance…) Could you imagine that? Big tearful hugs and kisses and then CRACK! a hundred million volts streaming out from the clouds. I hope she likes her lover extra crispy! And don't even get me started on the stormy sea scenario… I get seasick, for one. I don't see what's romantic about seasickness, or me puking for that matter. No, I just don't understand it at all. Anyway, where was I? I really have to stop getting distracted, it gets a bit ridiculous when the author can't even follow her own plot…Ah, yes, she looked into his eyes and- ok yes, now I remember). That feeling alone would have been enough to know, beyond all shadow of a doubt, that the man who was holding her in her arms was her beloved (and capable) Darien. It didn't even matter that he was wearing a mask.

Every emotion under the sun ran through Serena at that one moment in time, relief, confusion, elation, anger at having been lied to, joy, fear of it being a dream or some horrible trick, but most of all, strongest of all, above all, she felt love. Pure, raw and unending love. "Oh Darien! Dearest, darling, dreamy, diligent Darien! (ok… I know the last one was pushing it, but I already used 'dashing' and 'debonair' earlier and I'd run out of alliterative adjectives… it was either 'diligent' or 'domesticated', which one would you have chosen?) Can it really be you? Are you truly alive, or is this a deceptive and dangerous dream?"

"Oh Serena, my sweet-souled, sultry, sincere, soft-hearted, special Serena! This is no dream!" They crushed each other in a hug, clinging to each other as if it was their last moments together on earth.

When they finally broke apart, tears filled both their beautiful eyes. "But…but how?" Serena asked finally. "You were killed by the Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion! I _researched_  it and everything!"

He simply stared at her, the memory of her beauty was nothing compared to it up close. Shaking his head lightly, he said with a small smile, "Later my love, for now, let us make up for lost time."

"Oh Darien!" she whispered out breathlessly, and then he kissed her.

RIGHT! I know for some of you the kissing part is the nicest, but there really isn't much more to say about it, unless you want details about whose lips went where, and who slipped in tongue first and how dizzy they got from forgetting to breathe, but there's a time limit and a word limit so I'll just say that their reunion-kissing was quite passionate and that it was really a very good thing that Jay Montoya was outside, speeding away the carriage as fast as the horses could travel, and that both Makoto and Norman were asleep, because even though none of them were adverse to romance, Serena and Darien took it a little bit over the top (and by that I mean they were just plain ridiculous. The human body is only designed to cope with a certain amount of mushiness, Serena and Darien went beyond being mushy, beyond being 'smushy' even. Yes, Serena and Darien went straight into 'instant liquefaction', and yes, I realise I am using a geological term in a romantic fairy tale – which really shouldn't be called a fairy tale, because there aren't any fairies in it – so you get my point).


	7. Serious Business Discussion

Later, (and I mean much later), when the mid-afternoon had turned into night, and Serena and Darien had exhausted themselves with all their hushed and romantic catching up (mainly kissing and talking about their adventures – with Darien's obviously being the more interesting… oh come on, as if the life of a princess to be is anything to look forward to. Seriously, all it consists of is obligations. Alright, people bow and you get to go to lots of important parties in lovely dresses and meet celebrities, but that's pretty much where all the fun stops. There are only so many parties that you can attend in pretty dresses before you'd get bored out of your mind. Anyway, that's not even the point. Darien spent half a decade pillaging and plundering and pirating, Serena spent that time sighing and moping a la Bella from *shudder*  _Twilight_ (don't worry though, even if Darien had well and truly been dead, while Serena would have never actually recovered from her great love fully, the loss did mature her quite a bit and she would have eventually gone on to live a full and good life as an excellent queen who would have found her true calling through having good friends like Makoto, and through serving her people... well in theory anyway, because Darien isn't well and truly dead, and also, if Darien hadn't kidnapped her just now Prince Diamond, her finance, would have actually murdered her and DAMN IT, I'm giving away too much of the plot again, aren't I? Anyway, I know that Bella gets a lot of stick for being a useless and manipulative pushover, but I think every girl kind of goes through a stage like that when they're younger, but then they grow up and realise that true confidence and living comes from within and they become stronger, better people for it, who are able to rely on themselves, but that's _completely_ beside the point),what were we saying?! Ah yes, the two lovers were exhausted and were asleep, hugging each other tightly, when the speedy carriage stopped to change over drivers. Norm the Giant, who had been sleeping all afternoon for this very purpose, stepped out, grateful for the ability to stretch his legs (but rather reluctant to have to disturb the exotic sleeping beauty in his lap). Jay (pronounced 'hey' with a guttural sound, remember!), after leaping off the driver's seat of the carriage in a rather impressive dismount, clambered in and took Norman's seat. Makoto was awake now and therefore did not need to have her head placed on Jay's lap. In fact, she sat the furthest distance possible away him, practically trying to melt into the carriage wall. She refused to meet his eye.

"Are we ready, friends?" came the deep and grumbly voice of Norm the Giant from the top of the carriage. Jay tapped the roof with his knuckle to signal that the carriage could be started again. He also noticed that Makoto seemed to blush at the giant's voice. It seemed in Norman's efforts to keep her comfortable, he had managed to embarrass the lady (you see, at the beginning of the journey, Norman had carried her unconscious form into the carriage and propped her against the wall, but at the break-neck speed they were travelling, he found that her pretty head kept bashing itself against the hard surface. _Thump, thud,_ (those were the particularly hard bumps to her head, when they rolled over a stone or something) _thump, thump, thump, thud, thump, smack!_ So as carefully as he was able, he leaned her the other way so that she rested on his shoulder, but this was no help, for his arms were powerful and no less solid than the wall of the carriage and so the problem remained. He then did the only thing he could think of, he laid her head in his lap, stroking her hair carefully every so often when she would stir or twitch in her sleep. (I realise that in real life this could be borderline creepy, you know: unwilling girl being knocked unconscious and then being laid in her abductor's lap…but let's just take the romantic slant to it, this is a love story after all, and as we all know, love stories tend to make things which would normally be considered stalker-ish seem as if they were perfectly acceptable modes of courtship. Anyway, Norman was only trying to be a gentleman. He's a sweet man, really, whose mother had brought him up right, the type of man who will treat every woman like she's a queen, and every man like he's a gentleman. He would never think of harming a lady or take advantage of her, ever…see, I've got you 'aww'ing all over him now, don't I?)

With a gentle clicking of his tongue Norman (for some strange reason he's either 'Norman' or 'Norm the Giant' never just 'Norm') started the horses again, the carriage jolted forward and then resumed its lightning pace. At the sudden movement Jay saw that Darien had caught his eye, surprising the Spaniard since only seconds ago he had thought Darien to be fast sleep. But this was the famous Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion, who even in his deepest of slumbers, could awaken at the snapping of a tiny twig. Jay gave Darien a small nod as a sign that all was well. He was rewarded with an almost imperceptible smile (which to others was not much, but considering that Jay had never seen Darien smile before, it was a lot), and then Darien went back to sleep, still clutching his dear love.

As the early evening turned into the night, Jay sat with his own thoughts and waited patiently for the lady sitting next to him to get comfortable and relax. Makoto was still sitting tensely near the door of the carriage, as if she was coiled spring, wound tightly, ready to pounce out of the carriage at any moment. Eventually, when Jay realised she wasn't going to relax without a little prompting, he reached under his seat and pulled out an old cloth sack (you know the ones, they're always that grey-ish beige-y colour in films).

Makoto felt a light nudge to her right bicep and turned her head from the window to see that Jay was offering her an apple, a knife and some cheese. "Here, you must be hungry," he said in Spanish… so I suppose he didn't actually say "Here, you must be hungry" but  _"Tiens, vous devez avoir faim_." (Ok, OK! I KNOW that's French, but I don't know how to speak Spanish and Google Translate isn't exactly a reliable source for translation! I'm pretty sure that the Spanish words it's given me aren't conjugated correctly and we don't want to end up in a Monty Python's Life of Brian scenario where I get my ear twisted by some Roman dude because my grammar is wrong… Look, just imagine that whenever Makoto and Jay are talking alone together, they're speaking Spanish to each other). So anyway, Jay has noticed how completely embarrassed Makoto looks and has offered her some cheese and an apple in Spanish.

Makoto hesitated for a second before eventually taking the food, a small " _Gracias_ " escaping her lips (everyone knows 'gracias'), but she did not relax one little bit. She simply clutched the food in her hands and crouched closer to the carriage window, despite the night chill.

Jay realised he would have to work harder (he too was a gentleman and did not like seeing a lady suffer). "You should relax. No harm will come to you or your mistress. You are safe with us." 

She turned her head to him and gave him a half-smile. "I am not afraid, señor," she said, but still, she did not touch the food. (To be honest, I would have been tense too. You kidnap a person, drug them and then tell them no harm will come to them... I wouldn't quite believe him either... but that wasn't the reason why Makoto was so uncomfortable, as we shall soon find out).

"Then pray, señorita, why are you so tense?"

Whether it was meeting someone who spoke her native tongue, or the fact that she was simply exhausted from sitting so tensely in the carriage, Makoto wasn't sure, but she couldn't help opening up to him. "I am afraid I may have compromised my own honour," she said, looking sheepish and unable to meet Jay's eyes.

"Is it because you slept in the lap of Norman?"

Makoto's leafy green eyes widened. "I _beg_ your pardon?"

"Well some honourable ladies would find that such intimate contact with a strange man could be considered…improper." As her wide eyes turned to a frown he barrelled on, hoping to dig himself out of whatever hole he'd blatantly thrown himself into. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, we did kidnap you and put you into a drug induced sleep," he said, trying to make her feel better but realising that perhaps he may have missed his mark.

"I am perfectly aware of how I was put in this situation!" She sounded angry now. "I am hardly to blame if my head was in his lap inappropriately!"

"Of course! I wasn't suggesting that that was why your honour was compromised!"

"No, but if the reason for my distress was not the fact that my head was in his lap, then according to you I am not an honourable lady!"

Jay wanted to slap his own head for his bumbling mistake. Consoling women was not his forté, that was how he'd gotten himself fired from the King's guard in the first place. "Oh señorita, it was not my intention at all. I was simply trying to put you at ease."

"As you can plainly see, you have not done so, señor."

"I realise this, and I do beg your pardon. Perhaps we may start again?"

She eyed him carefully. "Did your friend act untowardly towards me when I was asleep? Is that why you thought I was embarrassed?" she asked, gripping the knife in her hand tighter.

Now he'd really done it! Somehow he'd managed to put his friend in hot water too. Sword-fighting was so much easier than talking to beautiful ladies! Norman is the most gentle of creatures! Even when he grabbed you off of your horses, he made sure to do his best to not harm you! He is a noble man, both in spirit and heart! I can swear that he only had your well-being in his mind while you slept!"

He spoke with such conviction that Makoto could not help but believe him. "Fine señor, I will trust your words, and I will forgive your earlier rudeness. I can see that your true intent was honourable."

"May I ask then, señorita, what has been causing your distress?" he questioned, as he knocked against the wall of the carriage with his knuckles and then lifted an apple out of his window, allowing Norm the Giant to reach down and take it.

Makoto took a bite out of her own fruit and chewed delicately (well as delicately as one could when speeding along at the ridiculously fast and bumpy pace that they were travelling at) and thought for a moment, finally deciding to tell him once she had swallowed. "I have wronged myself in two ways. The first is the failure of protecting my mistress."

"But-" Jay began, but Makoto interrupted him.

"No matter what the outcome was, and even though I know I would already have her forgiveness, she was my charge to defend. I did not do so well, I think," she said, smiling slightly, as if she did not judge herself too harshly in the matter. "The second manner in which I have compromised my integrity happened while I slept on your friend. For you see, as I slumbered, I dreamed of a happy time. I was in my homeland, the beautiful country Mexico, and there I was resting with the man I had loved."

"I do not see how you have crossed yourself there, señorita. You said yourself, you did nothing wrong, surely you have not betrayed your love by simply dreaming of him?"

"Ah but there you misunderstand me, for I said _'_ had loved' _._  It was a memory of the distant past."

"I believed you were simply being poetic. Did things end badly, then, between you and your love?"

"Indeed they did, I am very sorry to say. He deceived my heart most cruelly, and from that day forth, I vowed never to think or dream of him with only happiness again. If I were to ever remember him, it would be with mixed emotion, I would re-feel the sadness of his betrayal along with any gladness I felt."

"That sounds very bitter, señorita, especially for one so young and lovely as you."

"I do not wish it to be seen as so." Feeling more relaxed now, Makoto bit into her cheese. "I only desire to keep the lesson, to let it remind me that I should not only love passionately but wisely, with my heart but also with my head."

Jay could only nod in agreement and admiration, and for a while they ate in silence. Finally a thought occurred to him. "Señorita, I wonder at your dream. You say it was of a good time, and that you only felt happiness, yes?"

"I did."

"Well, I wonder if it was entirely your own doing."

"Señor?" Makoto's chestnut eyebrows lifted in curiosity.

"While you dreamt, it was Norm the Giant who held you."

Makoto was still confused. "I do not understand."

"Then let me explain, you see Norman's mother, if the rumours are to be believed, is said to be of Fae blood (I had to put a fairy in this story somewhere! It can't be called a 'fairy tale' if it doesn't even have a fairy!)"

"You jest señor!" she exclaimed in amazement (I know I said that Darien could wake up at the drop of a pin, but let's pretend that both he and Serena are REALLY exhausted and sleep right through this entire conversation. Plus, Darien's already told Serena all about Norm the Giant, so it's not like they're missing much).

"I do not, but whether the rumours are true or not, her grace and calming presence were passed to him. When one is around Norman, they cannot help but feel at ease. He has an air about him. He will strike great fear in his opponent with his tall and imposing figure, but he will soothe his friends like a lamb does a child. Perhaps it was his influence, he sensed your distress and he allowed you to visit a happy memory in order to calm your fitful heart."

Makoto thought about what she was told for a long time, and Jay noticed, even in the dark, that every so often she would tilt her head, as if she were attempting to look through the carriage walls at the giant who stole them through the night. "Señorita, I must confess, I am surprised and impressed at your bravery. You were kidnapped and yet you do not seem afraid in the least."

Makoto shrugged. "My Princess is happy, how could I be afraid if she is not?"

"Even so, you have been taken by the Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion, is his reputation not fearful?"

"It is so, he is indeed a man whispered about in taverns and firelight, but I see in my mistress' eyes and in her manner towards him that he is her dearest love. I can tell that this can only be the Darien that she spoke of so very often, and in that case I know that I have nothing to fear, either from him or from you."

That seemed to interest Jay. "So she spoke often of him, then?"

"Daily." Makoto replied. "At least twice before lunch and three times after dinner."

Jay sat back in the darkness and Makoto fancied that he stroked the side of his thin, golden moustache with a light flick (did I give him a moustache earlier? I can't for the life of me remember. Well even I didn't, he has one now…) "This is good news," he said, "for my master felt a deep sadness when he found out that she was to marry the Prince Diamond. He believed her love for him had died."

Makoto seemed appalled at the very notion. "Why no! How could he think that anyone could recover from such a passion as hers? Her marriage is to be one of convenience only! There is no love shared between the Prince and my Princess."

"This is good news indeed." Jay repeated.

"Pray tell me, how did you and Norman find yourselves working for a pirate?" she asked with curiosity, her voice now slightly perkier since she was very much awake and not in the least bit sleepy anymore, having slept most of the afternoon and evening away in her drug-induced stupor.

"I was a soldier of misfortune," Jay said simply about himself, "but Norm the Giant has a longer tale of woe, as I shall now relate to you…"

At this point Jay spends most of the early night talking to Makoto about Norman's past and then asks her about hers and they speak a lot of Spanish. Unfortunately time and words limit my ability yet again, so I'll just sum up Norman here for you. His mother was believed to be some sort of fairy since she was so lovely and came from a family that lived in the woods. His father was a slightly tall man, a strong warrior from their village, and he was nice too, but you know, definitely not fairy material, so people were pretty sure Norm the Giant's 'quirks' didn't come from his father's side of the family (his quirks being his penchant for staying up at night and looking at stars, his ability to be a calming presence despite his enormous and intimidating size, and well, like I just said,  _his enormous and intimidating size_. It meant that he was a bit of an odd one when he was growing up, and when he finally left his village to seek adventure and make enough money to support his family, things didn't change much. People liked him, especially when they were around him, but then afterwards they would think about it and realise there simply was something a little unnatural about him. And they wouldn't like that at all. So life was generally pretty hard for Norman. Eventually he decided to pack it all in and make his way East to seek his fortune with the cocoa plant when fate dictated that he should travel on the very same ship as Darien.

It was on the middle leg of their voyage, as they were making their way past the coast of Queen Jennifer's country, that their ship was attacked by another ship. You see, the Captain of their ship had secretly placed a bet at a betting agency that the insurance taken out for the loss of his own ship would be paid out (this kind of betting was legal back in those days, I kid you not!). In order to guarantee that this would happen, he got his pirate-y friends to invade the ship with the intention of sinking it. Fortunately for the innocent passengers and crew, Darien was on board. With Norm the Giant's help, they successfully fought off the pirates, and while they were at it, they confiscated all of the pirate gold and then sank the pirate ship. It was at this point that our heroes realised how much moolah they could make in that business. So they tossed the mutinous and deceitful Captain overboard, convinced the crew and passengers to join them and renamed the ship "Elysium". As a strict rule, they never killed anyone who didn't deserve it, and they only ransacked the vessels of people who could afford to lose a ship or its cargo (sort of like a Robin Hood thing on water, but with less 'steal from the rich and give to the poor' and more 'steal from the rich and keep it for yourself'). Of course, they made sure their reputation was fearsome, just to make things easier.

After Jay told Makoto his tale, and she had told him hers, she looked at him (although he could not see her eyes through the darkness) and she asked him, "Where are we going? And why are we in such a rush to get there?"

"We are going to the ship, the 'Elysium', and we are hurrying because we are surely being followed by the Prince Diamond and his famous entourage, the most notable members being Zacharoni the Bachelor, who is known as the greatest tracker in the history of the world, and Beryl, Prince Diamond's right-hand sorceress."

"I know both of these characters," Makoto said.

"And are they honourable?" asked Jay, yawning. He had not slept since the night before the kidnapping and it was finally taking its toll on him.

"Zacharoni the Bachelor is a fine gentleman, although as you may have guessed from his name, he has sworn never to love, which I think is most foolish. As for the sorceress Beryl... she is not a lady I am close to." Makoto's mouth twisted into a grim look. "She is sweet on the outside, but my heart tells me there is mischief in her and I do not trust her past my pinky finger."

"But are they fierce opponents?" Jay pressed.

Makoto nodded. "Indeed they are. I have seen Zacharoni the Bachelor's skill first hand, he once found the Prince Regent's cat, Artemis."

"That does not sound so impressive."

"The Prince only noticed that the feline was missing after a year of it being gone," she said. "And Zacharoni the Bachelor found Artemis alive a hundred miles away in a deep cave in the Great Mountains."

Jay was impressed to say the least. He'd heard of Zacharoni's legendary skill, but this was remarkable. "That was awfully remiss of your Prince Regent to lose his cat like that," he couldn't help saying.

"If it's not about war or hunting, then he doesn't really notice very much." Makoto sighed. "In some ways I wish his brother, the Prince Saffir, would inherit the throne, he's much better 'king' material."

Jay traced his finger along his fine moustache briefly as he absorbed all of this information. "Is Beryl as powerful as people say?"

At that, Makoto frowned. "I believe so, although I have not seen what she is truly capable of. As of yet she has managed to keep her magical abilities hidden from the rest of the court, but she has a fearsome reputation, and she is trusted by the Prince so I do believe that she must be very powerful indeed." After a moment's pause she added in a grave voice, "I think it is best that we fly to your ship."

With that they both fell into fitful slumber.

Outside Norm the Giant drove them onwards in the night.


	8. Huzzah! The Hunt is On!

"Halt!" Without waiting for the rest of the group to stop, Zacharoni the Bachelor practically leaped off of his steed and ran to a small patch of mud, crouching low over it. He wore a green cloak which had long darkened from his vast travels, the hood was up, hiding his face from view and making him look like a large and shadowy lump of moss. The clothes that he wore underneath his cloak resembled the colours found in a deep forest: earthen brown, pine green, stone grey, and they reflected the changeability of his light eyes. His hair was not particularly long, but it was kept in a low ponytail which ended just at the top of his back. It was curly and a lighter colour, a strawberry blonde as was commonly known. His skin was fair and youthful, belying his true age for Zacharoni the Bachelor was a full man, his eighteenth summer being a memory of the past (now I don't want him to sound like an old man or anything, I will acknowledge that he's a little bit based on Aragorn / Strider / Elessar / Estel / Longshanks / Thorongil / Wingfoot / Dunadan and whatever else JRR Tolkien chose to call him... is it incredibly dorky that I knew all of those names?... but he's not as old as Aragorn, he's around the same age as Darien but just a bit older. Zacharoni looks more like an elf in Aragorn's clothing, you know? But without the pointy ears because that would be weird... and he doesn't have a cool sword, Jay Montoya is the one with a cool sword, you can only have one character with a cool sword. I was going to suggest that Zacharoni the Bachelor be renowned for his skills with a bow and arrow, but then we're getting too far into Legolas territory and we don't want that).

Anyway, as Zacharoni the Bachelor hovered over the patch of dirt, analysing it with critical eyes and deciphering where the Princess Serena's kidnappers had taken her by the bend of a blade of grass and other things that trackers look for and do (oh, I don't know, no one ever explains really in films how trackers really track things), Beryl the Sorceress, recognising the opportunity to score some points, inched her horse closer to him and listened intently. For you see, Zacharoni had a tendency to think aloud while he worked (it was a consequence of spending so much of his time alone, tracking things).

Now how Beryl got to be the Prince Regent's right-hand sorceress is an interesting story, but I think it should be saved for a little later, for now I'll just stick to a general physical description. She was a tall woman, a little taller than Makoto of Acapulco, but not nearly as tall as Norm the Giant. I think it's safe to say she was  _somewhat_  tall, with long, fiery red hair (and this is not meant as a slight against red heads by her being the bad guy, it's just the way Naoko made her) and light hazel eyes which could have easily been mistaken for 'amber' - which is the colour she told everyone they were just to make herself sound more impressive (I don't know why she bothered, though. I think having hazel eyes is quite impressive anyway, but that's just my opinion). She liked to dress in dark colours, mainly in the purple range of the colour wheel, and tended to wear scandalously low-cut dresses (even for the Days of Yore where it seemed like it was obligatory to have a dress push up a lady's joojoobies so that they were practically at her neck). This might have been why she was so popular with the men at court. She also tended to wear a lot of her namesake in her jewellery, claiming that her stone had magical properties (which in proper hands, it did, but obviously hers were not proper hands).

So, seeing an opportunity to score some points with her Prince, she nudged her horse as discreetly as possible closer to Zacharoni so that she could overhear his mumbling (which, as said above, was a product of loneliness and prolonged solitude during his extensive travels on the Prince's business... which leads me, actually, to the reason for his name being 'Zacharoni the Bachelor'. It was partly self-inflicted because you see, he was not a bad looking guy, in fact, he was downright gorgeous – if you like the boyish elf look, of course (I'm more partial to the Norm the Giant look myself...) – so he'd had strings of lady friends whose companies he'd enjoyed very well, but at heart he knew that none of those women would truly be happy with him because of his job and his independent spirit. He'd rarely ever be home, so either the person he'd leave home would be miserable or lonely or unfaithful or possibly all three, and it's not like he could have give up his job even if he'd wanted to – which he didn't, by the way – because Prince Diamond wouldn't have let him).

As Beryl listened, Zacharoni, completely absorbed in his work, thought out loud. "There are three sets of prints here..." he half-whispered. "The first is a heavy man." He moved a leaf to reveal what ordinary people would have considered nothing but another patch of dirt, but in fact it told Zacharoni very much. "It appears that he is not fat, but strong. Very strong, and tall... although perhaps not quite a giant, judging by the way this daisy is twisted... He's definitely taller than average."

He moved onto the next set of prints. "Hmm... it appears at first that this second man does not weigh very much, but this is unlikely given the fact that he is tall, not as tall as the short giant, but of reasonable height as well. It seems more likely that he is very nimble and surefooted. Yes, I can see by the grit which has been left on this pebble that he is in fact a great swordsman. And most likely Hispanic. I would not be surprised if he could play the guitar, because people who are so surefooted are often also very surehanded."

Beryl listened in closer.

When Zacharoni turned to the third and final set of prints his eyes widened and his head tilted as if he was an archaeologist who'd just discovered some new fossils. Beryl could seem him brimming with excitement. "Whoever has made these marks is a great and capable man! See?!" He pulled at the sleeve of a random soldier who was standing guard nearby, dragging the hapless man down so that he was mere inches away from the ground. "Do you see? Observe the angle with which the ant must descend into the shoeprint! Look with what surety, what purpose this man moves! He would be a fierce foe indeed! Such confidence! His movements show such control, as if he knows his destiny and follows it unhindered!"

The soldier obviously did not see these things. He barely saw the muddy footprint. He did, however, see the ant crawling along the forest floor so he nodded his head emphatically. Zacharoni unclasped his vice grip on the man's shirt, forgetting about him just as quickly as he'd grabbed him. Still squatting, he waddled a few feet forward, flicking his long, dark cloak behind him, his sharp and perceptive green eyes never leaving the floor. "Yes! Here! Right here! There is no doubt as to this man's identity. He has swagger, which means he's a pirate! But what a pirate! This can only mean one thing-" He stopped suddenly and frowned, pulling back and standing fully, grasping as his beardless chin lightly in thought. "This is an unusual creature..." he murmured and then bent down again to look at a fourth and altogether different set of prints, forgetting quickly about the capable pirate ones. He swiped at the mud with his fingers and then sniffed it quickly it before touching his tongue with his hand and spitting out whatever he'd put in his mouth immediately. "I must find out more..." he whispered and began to follow the new tracks, which led off to the right, into the heart of the deep forest.

By this point, Beryl had heard enough. She nudged her horse again and manoeuvred closer to Prince Diamond who was eating a sandwich from a plate being held up by a servant (it was an MLT on rye if you're interested - mutton, lettuce and tomato, you know? where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe and juicy and …om nom nom nom *drool*). She watched him eat patiently, pretending as if she'd been standing next to him all along. From Zacharoni's observations it was easy enough to put the pieces together - a taller than average man, a Hispanic swordsman and a capable pirate. That trio was known throughout the seven seas and five oceans: The Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion and his two most loyal followers, Norman the Giant and The Spanish Tornado! She waited for him to finish eating so she could drop in the fact that she knew the identity of the kidnappers, but before she got the chance, Diamond spoke first.

"Beryl," he said, with a mouthful of sandwich.

"Yes, Your Highness?"

"Do you think that we could work this into our plan somehow?" he questioned, wiping the corner of his mouth with his poor servant's cap and tossing it into the mud when he was done.

"Sire?"

"Perhaps we could convince the people that it was our mortal enemy country, Lyttonia, which kidnapped the Princess? That way I wouldn't even have to marry her before I killed her. It seems rather un-sanctimonious to kill her after we've been united under God."

"Your Highness, please!" Beryl whispered fiercely. "Keep your royal and magnificent voice down! Zacharoni the Bachelor has no knowledge of your great and magnanimous plan to murder your future wife and blame it on Lyttonia so that you can finally have your war!" (I realise that I do not pull this off very well. It's a little obvious that the only reason she's telling him about his plan (which he obviously already knows about) is to inform  _you_ , the reader, but I figure it's more exciting than just a load of my interruptions and long exposition). "Besides, you simply cannot blame the man who has kidnapped her of working for Lyttonia," (here she felt very smug and pleased with herself), "because the people would never believe it."

Prince Diamond frowned, not pleased that his suggestion was being rejected. "Why ever not?"

"Because, Your Grand and Princely Majesty, the man who took her is none other than the Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion, and everyone knows that he bears no allegiance to any flag but his own." (Beryl may have had an extra twinkle in her eye when she said that, because she was attracted to powerful men and the Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion was indeed a powerful man).

"The who?!" the Prince exclaimed.

"The Dreaded Pirate-"

"I know who he is!" Diamond was furious. "How on earth do you know it's him?!"

"Obviously Sire, it's because of my magical powers."

"So if we know who it is, what on earth have we stopped for?" and here he looked up and called out: "Zacharoni! Where are you going? We must hurry, Beryl's identified our kidnappers!" Diamond waited impatiently as Zacharoni ignored him and continued to followed whatever had attracted his attention enough to distract him from their current mission. "You can follow whatever stupid forest creature you're looking at another time! Hurry up you fool!"

Zacharoni stood up ramrod straight at that and counted to ten to avoid losing his temper, for you see, Zacharoni the Bachelor was just as concerned about finding the Princess Serena as everyone else - in fact he probably had the purest motive out of them all since Zacharoni didn't want to find her solely so that she could be killed at a later date (of course, Prince Saffir was an exception to this, he was about equally pure on the level of motivation for her rescue, but unfortunately he'd been unable to join the search party because he was so busy running the kingdom, much to his regret...alright, I know there was no real reason to bring him up, I just like Saffir as a character and I wanted to stick him into the story more). Anyway, Zacharoni was concerned for Serena's welfare (partly out of loyalty, since after all, she was to be his future queen, but also because she and her lady-in-waiting were lovely ladies in distress and he, like Norman and Jay, could not stand idly by when an innocent person in need of help), so the fact that Prince Diamond (who Zacharoni had been loyally serving for most of his career) thought that he was deliberately wasting time when he went off to check the unusual tracks, he was, understandably, very offended. He took in a deep breath and turned around, making his way back quickly to Prince Diamond. "Sire," he said rather snappily as he approached, finally removing his hood (out of respect since he was talking to his Prince, kind of like removing a hat when you're indoors or talking to the President) and revealing his stunning eyes (which that day were more grey than green or brown, most likely reflecting the autumnal sky), "you called for me."

"We must hurry. Beryl has identified the culprits."

Zacharoni cast his light eyes to Beryl. "Oh, has she?" he asked (It was a well-known fact within the Prince Regent's entourage that there was no love shared between these two... Beryl and Zacharoni, that is, not Zacharoni and the Prince...for although Zacharoni did not  _like_ Prince Diamond, he was his future King, and therefore had his full and unquestioned loyalty).

"She has. It's the Pirate Endymion," Diamond said, pleased with his sorceress (Diamond tended to choose favourites, but they changed with the wind. At the moment, Beryl seemed to have his general approval). "All this stopping and staring at mud has just wasted our precious time. You should have figured it out by now."

"I had figured it out, Your Highness, but..." Here Zacharoni looked back at the tracks that he had just abandoned, "something else caught my attention. Something which concerns me greatly."

Before he could go on, Beryl brought her horse closer and scoffed obnoxiously loudly. "Oh please Zacharoni, save it! Stop trying to make up an excuse. You're just sore that I identified the kidnappers first!"

Zacharoni glared at her. "I am not sore!" he yelled, pointing to the tracks of the three men. "You overheard me before! Don't think I didn't see your horse's hoofmarks from where you were eavesdropping!"

Beryl laughed as if the idea was completely ridiculous. "I did no such thing," she said, looking down at him in a particularly haughty manner (which was quite effective actually, because she was on a horse and he was not).

Zacharoni was furious. "The horseshoe prints are as clear as day!" (Of course they were not. Zacharoni was an excellent tracker so the prints were as clear as day to  _him_ , but they were as clear as, well, mud for everyone else).

"You're making things up," she said, dismissing him with a wave of her hand, as if he was nothing.

"I am not! You overheard me and now you're trying to take all of the credit!"

"Oh nobody cares about you and your freakish mumbling!"

"So you admit that you were listening in!"

Beryl had to stop a second and check to see if she had inadvertently given herself away. After a moment she concluded that she hadn't but by then it was too late, the others had seen her hesitate. She rallied quickly, though. "Even if I had, it wouldn't have mattered anyway." She smiled again, smug once more. "I have known the identity of Princess Serena's captors since  _the day before_   _yesterday_ , before she was even kidnapped!"

"Are you serious?!" roared the Prince (it was now Zacharoni's turn to look smug).

To her credit, Beryl's panic only lasted a split second, but she soon resorted to her get-out-of-jail-free explanation. "My deepest apologies, Your Majestic Royalness, but I simply couldn't tell you before now."

Prince Diamond huffed. "Not the bloody  _Universe_  again?" he exclaimed.

Beryl nodded. "I'm afraid so. If I had informed you of the Princess' capture and the culprits any sooner, then the Universe would have  _exploded_."

Zacharoni rolled his eyes. He'd given up long ago trying to convince the Prince that Beryl was a fraud, and that her excuse of 'if she had told the Prince 'X' then the Universe would have met an untimely demise' for any lie she was caught telling was, in itself, a terribly implausible lie.

"I don't see what's so important about this whole 'Universe' thing, anyway." Diamond snapped his fingers and the same servant who had served him his sandwich appeared (with his dirty hat on and everything) producing a goblet of wine.

Beryl huffed, as if exasperated. "As I have explained to Your Beauteous Majesty many, many times, the Universe is a cosmitological force of great power which surrounds us and gives us all life. Clouds, as we all know," and here she gave Zacharoni a long and condescending look, blatantly revelling in the fact that she could get away with all of this, "are the guardians of the Universe. They are filled with a dangerous and powerfully explosive gas-"

"Like a fart," Prince Diamond said, interrupting, as if he was answering some difficult question.

"Indeed, Sire. Although not so noxious smelling."

"Of course, otherwise we wouldn't be able to drink rain." (Prince Diamond prided himself on his superior logic and reasoning abilities).

Not for the first time, Zacharoni desperately wished that Prince Saffir had been born first, but then immediately admonished himself for the temporary waver in loyalty.

"And if I were to do something which were to anger the Universe, then the..." she tried to think of the most exotic animal she'd ever seen, "...the luminescent Duck-Billed Platypus in the sky would breathe out his fiery breath upon the clouds and they would explode over us all, killing us instantly in ways more painful than could ever be imagined."

Prince Diamond sat back on his horse with a satisfied look as he imagined the end of the world. "I do so enjoy these scholarly debates!"

In exasperation, Zacharoni wanted to smack his head against a tree. "Perhaps, Sire, Beryl could tell us which way the culprits are headed?" he asked.

Beryl's eyes shifted quickly from Zacharoni's to the Prince's and then back to Zacharoni's. "Urm, no, no, it's alright, I feel bad for having stolen your thunder already. My magical powers have informed me that you have the answer to that question, so I'll defer to you." After a pause, she added, "and also, the Universe would explode if I told you."

Prince Diamond tossed his wine goblet into the bushes. The poor servant panicked and ran after it, diving bravely into a patch of poison ivy to retrieve it.

"I don't care which of you tells me, so long as we hurry up."

"Our best bet, Your Majesty, is to turn right around and head out of the forest the way we came." Zacharoni moved to the three sets of prints he had observed earlier. "It appears that our captors originally came from the direction of the river, just outside of the main city. They followed the Princess and her lady-in-waiting until they were deep in the forest and then they kidnapped them."

"Yes, yes, we all know that!" Prince Diamond was not known for his legendary patience.

"Their footprints suggest that they carried away the damsels further south in order to get to the other side of the forest, heading towards Queen Jennifer's country, which is famous for its historic port, where his ship will most likely be docked,  _but_  I believe that this is all a ruse."

"A ruse?" Now Prince Diamond was curious.

"Indeed. The Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion will need to get to his ship as quickly as possible, and there is a secretive cove on the east coast of our country which could provide a private and safe harbour for a ship which did not want to be found."

"But it's frightfully dangerous to navigate a ship through those waters." Prince Diamond remembered the rocky cove, filled with jagged cliffs.

"Not for a Pirate Lord as skilled and capable as Endymion," Zacharoni said, reminding the Prince of who they were dealing with. "And it is certainly much nearer than Queen Jennifer's country."

"Indeed it is!" exclaimed Diamond, excited now that they had outsmarted the criminals and were going to catch them.

"This trail south which has been laid is a diversion to hide their true destination, which I believe is the cove." Zacharoni mounted his horse. "This Pirate is indeed very clever, since further south, the forest terrain opens up into rocky, mountainous space where it would be harder to follow a trail. We would have to assume that they took the standard southern path laid out through that rocky terrain until the ground became earth again, and only then, when there were no more tracks to follow, would we discover that they had turned around on the rocky terrain and headed north east, towards the cove, cutting through the dangerous and mystical Dead Moon Forest!"

"So you think we should abandon this trail of theirs and just head back to the city?" Beryl asked, slightly confused.

"Of course!" Prince Diamond was practically bouncing in his saddle with glee. "We can take a ship along the right tributary of the Danburite River and arrive at the cove much faster than the lowly kidnappers who are coming from a much farther distance on horseback!"

"Of course!" repeated Beryl. "I knew this all along. I was simply testing you, Your Royal Princeliness, to see if you knew your geography!" She smiled. "And you did, so well done you!" It was thin, even for Beryl, and if Diamond hadn't been so excited about the prospect of a real hunt beginning, he might have actually questioned her.

"Come! Everyone! Let us away!"

If you're confused, don't worry, I am too... okay, maybe that is cause for worry because I am the author...never mind. The important part to take note of is this: Zacharoni the Bachelor has been following a trail of Darien, Norman and Jay, who have deliberately left prints to be found which suggest that they're heading south in order to get to a port in a different country where their ship is located. Most of the journey is through a forest, while some of it would be through some mountain-y, rocky terrain, where there would be no footprints to follow. Zacharoni believes that the Prince and his entourage were supposed to assume that Darien and his followers went straight through this rocky stuff, but instead they doubled back, going up and right (cutting through a particularly scary area of the forest, known as the Dead Moon Forest, in order to reach the secret and dangerous cove).

Prince Diamond and Zacharoni the Bachelor believe that they now have the advantage because they've only just begun their journey, so they're not far from the city. What they're going to do, is go back into the city and just travel directly east by ship (which is a faster mode of transportation anyway).

What about the carriage, you ask? Zacharoni saw no carriage marks, you say. Well the carriage was waiting in the rocky terrain area. Remember, Serena and Makoto had been knocked out for a while and during that time, Darien, Jay and Norman carried them on horseback to the carriage.

Does that help?  _No?!_  Well too bad, because it was hard enough coming up with  _that_  idea. I got nothin' else. It doesn't really matter anyway, all that really matters is that now Prince Diamond will travel by ship to get to a cove where the Elysium is located.

As a side note, it's worth pointing out that Zacharoni's prediction of what Darien and his friends plan to do is not exactly correct. You see, while he is right that the footprints are a ruse, and that Darien and co. are only travelling south to trick the Prince into thinking they're heading to Queen Jennifer's country, Zacharoni is wrong in his assumption that Darien is going to double back and travel in a straight north-eastern line, through The Dead Moon Forest, to reach the cove. The Dead Moon Forest is dangerous, and Darien would never put Serena in unnecessary danger. What Darien's real intention is, is to double back, but go straight back into the city in order to sneak on a boat and travel down the Danburite river until he reaches the cove - you may have noticed that this is the exact same plan of action Zacharoni the Bachelor has suggested for Prince Diamond to take, great minds and all that jazz.

In fact, since Darien and his crew have already reached the rocky terrain and begun travelling back north again, if Diamond, Zacharoni and Beryl were to merely travel three miles east and wait, they'd be able to ambush Darien's carriage on its way up to the city).

*Edit*: I have now provided a useful and helpful map. The problem is, if I show you the map now, then I’m giving you spoilers. And I don’t want to spoil it for you.  _Fortunately_  I have come up with an idea. You see, after spending HOURS looking for decent cartography software on the internet that was both free and easy to use, I realised it didn’t exist, so to Microsoft Paint I went. I made two attempts, the first was rather rudimentary, to get my bearings and to think with (sort of like a prototype), the second one (the one containing the spoilers) was much more developed. What I can do for you now, is give you my initial map since it’ll help visualise this world I’ve created without giving too much away! It has the route that Darien and the others took, as well as the route Prince Diamond took. Problem solved! You can't say I'm not an author who spoils her readers with all the cool extras! ^_~

 


	9. More Serious Business Discussion

Just before Prince Diamond and his entourage were about to race back to the palace in order to commandeer a ship so that they could sail east to the secret cove, Zacharoni the Bachelor stopped them. "Wait! My Prince! There is something else!"

Diamond, who had just been about to rear this horse (and inadvertently trample the poor servant who was now dirty and itchy all over), looked at his Royal Tracker and huffed. "Out with it then! We haven't got all day! Even though a ship sailing is faster than the kidnappers' horses, we are losing precious time!"

Zacharoni bowed, recognising the foul mood he was putting his Prince in (when Diamond wanted to do something and was then delayed from doing so, people tended to lose their heads...of course, this didn't really happen. Diamond would be in a temper and he'd yell "Guards! Gurads! Take him to the dungeons and chop off his head!" At which point the guards would bow and scrape and drag the prisoner away most dramatically, and then they would go straight to Prince Saffir and explain the situation to him. Almost always the prisoner was spared, for Prince Saffir was a very fair, reasonable and level-headed man, who never did anything without thinking it through first). So Zacharoni bowed and acted extra nice, so as not to cause Diamond to do something rash (as their was no Prince Saffir to repair the situation if things got...sticky). "Dearest Prince Regent, as I mentioned earlier, I noticed that there were some odd tracks which distracted me. I believe they are the markings of a troll."

"So far out of The Dead Moon Woods?" Beryl couldn't help exclaiming. (She was not a very brave lady, and the fact that there was the possibility that they would encounter a troll almost made her bolt straight back to the palace).

"Indeed," said Zacharoni, "it is most unusual for a troll to leave the dark and dangerous Dead Moon Forest, but those markings are unmistakable. It would have found shelter now, since it is day time, but the night is fast approaching and there are villages nearby which will be at risk."

This caught Diamond's attention, because if there was one thing he liked to do, it was to hunt down and kill dangerous creatures. "Let's go after it!" he yelled, about to kick the sides of his horse and gallop away in the direction Zacharoni had pointed towards.

"But Sire!" Beryl yelled out. "Remember the Princess Serena! She must be saved!" (Now as already stated, Beryl and Diamond plan on killing Serena later. Perhaps this would be a good time to explain the two different motives of our anti-heroes. You see, while Diamond harbours nothing personal against Serena, and simply wants to use her as a means to start a war, Beryl _really_ wants Serena dead, she doesn't give a hoot about Diamond's desire for war, she just wants to marry Diamond herself, in order to become Queen. But she can't do that if Serena is married to him. So while she's secretly hoping that the Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion kills her rival, she suspects he's simply holding her for ransom, and in that case, the quicker Beryl can get Serena back from the pirate, the quicker she can ensure Serena's death with her own two hands). Anyway, back to the story:

In his frustration at having his fun stopped yet again, Diamond flung his reins, which managed to whip his unfortunate servant in the face. "Damn that pesky princess and that stupid pirate! They're ruining all my fun!" Reluctantly he gestured for his servant to pass him the reins back (which the servant did, hesitantly). "Come on then, we'll catch the troll another time."

"Well, Sire, I was going to suggest a way we could kill two birds with one stone." Zacharoni was smiling while he eyed Beryl, knowing that this was going to get him into the Prince's good books again. "The troll's footprints lead east, most likely to a set of caves that I know of, about three miles away from here, where it will be hiding from the sunlight." (REMINDER FOR THE READER: Remember I said that if Diamond and co. were to travel east three miles and wait, they'd meet Darien? Just reminding you, in case you forgot, since you know, it's important to the plot and everything. Ok, back to Zacharoni now). "Since we are already set to travel east anyway, why don't you send your servant up to the palace and order them to sail a ship east three miles along the Danburite River? Let us then go after the troll, kill it and then travel up north to where your ship will be waiting. We will then board it and sail the rest of the way to the cove. By sailing we will make up the time we've lost spent catching the troll, and we should still arrive at the pirate ship before the kidnappers do."

Prince Diamond, who was quite stupid in many respects, was good when it came to things like hunting, fighting and planning how to do both, so he picked up Zacharoni's idea with ease. He smiled widely. "Yes, I am most pleased with your proposition, Zacharoni the Bachelor, I knew you were useful for something!"

Zacharoni bowed. "I only live to serve you, my liege."

Beryl on the other hand, had to think a little before she got it. "Wait, instead of going back to the palace so we can take a comfortable boat eastwards all the way down the river and arrive at the pirate ship before the kidnappers do, we're going towards a _troll_?"

"And then once we kill the troll, we'll travel up to the river and take the comfortable ship to the cove. See? It's the best of both worlds," Zacharoni said brightly, plainly loving the fact that Beryl was shaking in her pointy Days of Yore heels. "I'm sure you're powerful enough to protect us from the monstrous and magical evil creature of death with hide like a dozen bulls!"

"Of course," said Beryl dryly. "Unless the Universe dictates that you _die in a horrible and gruesome way_ Zacharoni, which in that case I will be powerless to help you." She gave him a sweet smile.

So with the plan finally set, the poor servant (who was immeasurably grateful to Zacharoni for providing him with a means to get as far away as possible from Diamond) was sent to the palace with a note commanding a ship to be dispatched and to meet them three miles east along the Danburite River.

Prince Diamond reared his horse, and they were off to catch a troll.

*EDIT* Now that I have mentioned the troll, you can have the proper map. It will give you some spoilers, but I figure it's worth it for the extra help with visualisation!


	10. Troll Attack!

So, Prince Diamond and his entourage arrived at the caves, and from the obvious signs (like bones around the entrance, a rather hideous smell and growling from somewhere in the cave), they had found the troll. The next step was to decide how to defeat it.

Prince Diamond suggested that Beryl create a magical fire to smoke the beast out. She reluctantly agreed, having little choice in the matter and secretly pulled out a lighter (not a flint, but an actual lighter similar to the ones used nowadays). It had once belonged to the previous Sorcerer, who had worked as a young lad for the King and then for Prince Diamond when the King took his unofficial retirement. Unfortunately he had left one bad terms, having been cast out of the palace by Diamond at the prompting and manipulations of Beryl. This previous Sorcerer, known as Miracle Malachite, was genuinely talented in the arts of healing and magic, in fact, he was a progeny (or is it prodigy?! I always forget which is which), hence his rather illustrious nickname. The problem had come with his unwillingness to bend to Prince Diamond's ridiculous will.

Miracle Malachite had been a close friend to Prince Saffir (they were about the same age and had grown up together), and when Zacharoni the Bachelor was home (which was pretty seldom), they got along splendidly as well (at least until they discussed topics like loyalty. You see, Zacharoni was of the belief that it didn't matter what kind of a person Prince Diamond was, the fact was it was all down to principle, and the oath that one took when they entered into service. Malachite, being less romantic, believed that true loyalty could only be earned if the person deserved such dedication... anyway on the rare occasions Zacharoni was in the palace at the same time Miracle Malachite was free, they would have long discussions about the matter well into the evening, only going to bed at the promptings of Mad Mina, Miracle Malachite's French wife - who was also a powerful sorceress).

So anyway, Beryl secretly whipped out this lighter that she had stolen (which had been designed and built by Miracle Malachite, and started a blaze), adding a few drops of some sleeping potion into the fire for good measure, just to ensure that the horrible creature didn't rush out and kill them all before it turned to stone in the sunshine (Beryl did not care about smoking out this creature and killing it. Beryl cared about surviving, innocent villagers at risk of the troll's hunger be damned). The smoke was wafted into the cave, but when the troll didn't come out, Zacharoni volunteered to do some reconnaissance.

Now, as you can imagine, Beryl was somewhat conflicted at this point, because Zacharoni, not realising that there was a sleeping draught mixed in with the smoke, would be sneaking into the cave and becoming exceedingly drowsy without knowing the danger he was in. This would likely get him killed ('yay!' thought Beryl), but unfortunately he was probably the only one she knew who could find the Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion if he escaped with the Princess, so really, Beryl needed him alive ('damn it' thought Beryl). Her dilemma was solved, however, when Zacharoni, being a man of action, disappeared through the secretly drugged-smoke and into the cave, leaving her no choice but to wait and see what would happen.

I suppose as we wait with the others for events to unfold, it would actually be a really good time to address a niggling plot-issue you may (or may not) have discovered. If Beryl wanted to marry the Prince herself, then why was she so adamant to rescue the Princess and try and figure out a way to murder her later? Wouldn't it have been best to just let her escape with the Pirate Lord? Well! The answer to that is two fold, first of all, if Diamond let Serena go, he would look weak to his enemies, and it wouldn't give him his excuse for war, (if he kills Serena on their wedding night, however, he could blame the Lyttonian guests of being assassins who shattered an attempt at peaceful relations), so Diamond needed her back and he probably wouldn't stop searching for Serena until he did get her back (Diamond's favourite pasttime was war, his second most favourite was hunting), so with Serena left alive, Beryl could never marry Diamond. Second of all, if things did not go exactly to plan, and Diamond did not kill Serena on her wedding day (and therefore did not get his war), and then somehow he decided he  _was_ going to marry Beryl, who was to say he wouldn't pull the same trick with Beryl and off her the second she hopped into the marital bed and patted the spot next to her? Does that help? Good. Now, back to our hero Zacharoni the Bachelor, who by this point has become all groggy as he stumbles about in the cave, searching for the elusive, filthy and rather dangerous troll. 

Squinting, and unable to see in the darkness Zacharoni fumbled around, his hands grasping at the slimy troll-cave walls. He almost fell asleep completely but by a stroke of luck he tripped on a stone and elicited a yelp due to the pain in his foot, the ordeal rousing him somewhat. By the time he realised that he had to get out of the cave or he would collapse, the troll had awoken from the commotion (the sleeping potion was not strong enough to put a beast as huge and hardy as a troll to sleep, something any sorcerer worth his salt would have known) and charged towards him, roaring so loudly that the very foundations of the cave quivered.

Despite his sleepy state, Zacharoni, led by his instincts and muscle memory, unsheathed his hunting dagger and swung out a well timed blow and then ducked out of the way. The sudden and immediate presence of danger was enough to get some of his adrenaline pumping, and that helped alleviate the effects of the sleeping draught in the smoke, but he still stumbled, and it was hard for him to think straight.

There was a brief but desperate fight between Zacharoni and the troll, with lots of roaring and banging around and rolling away. Zacharoni was in the dark, which gave the troll a significant advantage (since everyone knows that trolls can see better in the dark. They're like cats, really. Except, much bigger, and uglier, and more stupid, and smellier, and with no fur... okay, so they're nothing like cats...) but Zacharoni had his agility and long experience of fighting in dark and unfamiliar places on his own. At one point he was able to get the beast to charge at him, only to duck away in time, with the troll hitting itself into the cave wall. While the troll was stunned, our brave hero Zacharoni landed his dagger into the beast's thick-hided side with an almighty thrust! It was by no means a fatal hit, but it was enough to make the troll temporarily retreat, though not before it got a good swipe at Zacharoni's side. An equal match, blow for blow!

Zacharoni realised that he would not last much longer, he desperately stumbled out of the cave, already drowsy from the smoke, and with both his adrenaline and blood leaving him quickly, he soon became truly exhausted and barely able to go on!

Unfortunately, the evil troll could smell the tang of Zacharoni's life essence in the air, and it gave the creature confidence again, so it crawled out quickly from its nest, forgetting the pain in its side, and chased after Zacharoni, pounding its way to the entrance, ready to tear him limb from limb!

Zacharoni could hear the huge thuds of the beast's feet as it followed him, and he made a last, final dash, giving all he had to make it out of the cave! When he finally saw daylight, his heart rejoiced and his mind went black as his body finally gave in.

The beast followed but stopped when it saw the sunshine outside and roared out at the group of people standing in front of the cave. In a sudden flash of bravery and heroism (for these are the kinds of scenarios in which Prince Diamond shines) Diamond unsheathed his sword and dug his heels into his horse's side!

Beryl (who was frightened beyond her wits but smart enough to know that she had to make use of such an opportunity) started yelling out random words in various languages and wobbling her arms around, hopping on the spot in her pointy heels and looking, for all intents and purposes, like a crazed frog in a purple dress, as she pretended to incant some kind of protection spell. "Kippers, Sushi and Langoustine! Moshi Moshi! Aloha Banana Rama! Sbasebo and Fairy Cakes! Gesundheit Jaundiced Kobe Bryant! Protect the Prince, oh Magical Donkey Parts from the Fjords of Greece! Swaheeeeellllleeeeee!"

Spurred on by the false belief that Beryl had made him invincible, Prince Diamond galloped forward, sword flashing, his horse leaping over the unconscious body of Zacharoni the Bachelor, to arrive directly in front of the cave and the mighty (and already wounded) troll! With a wide swing of his heavy sword and a terrifying battle cry, Diamond lopped off the creature's head!

The battle was over! The troll was dead! Everybody cheered for the brave Prince and his powerful sorceress! Well, except for Zacharoni, who was still passed out and bleeding profusely.

Once the cheering was done, Diamond (who did not even thank Beryl - even though she didn't actually do anything... but that's not the point, _he_ didn't know that her spell was fake!) ordered the sorceress to check on the Royal Tracker.

Beryl rolled her eyes and made her way to Zacharoni. She took one brief look at him and then called out to her Prince. "He's dead, Sire!"

Zacharoni the Bachelor moaned loudly.

"Are you sure?" Diamond asked as he was being helped down from his horse by a guard. "Isn't there a way for you to test it?"

Beryl smiled sweetly at him. "Of course, Sire!" She looked down at Zacharoni and nudged him lightly with her shoe, so as not to illicit any sound from him.

As if purely to spite her, Zacharoni groaned even louder than before, and then coughed.

Beryl's pointy nostrils flared in fury.

"He doesn't sound dead," commented Diamond as he approached.

Beryl shook her head. "Unfortunately Sire, his groaning is not an indication of life. You see, while I was casting my protection spell over you, I also placed a healing spell on him."

Prince Diamond was confused. "Wouldn't his groaning suggest that your spell is working, then?"

"Ah, you would think so, your Royal Magnificence," said Beryl as she let out a deep and dramatic sigh, "but it is not the case. His soul has already departed, it is only his body which is healing. I -" (and here she let out a fake little sob) "I was not quick enough to save him!" Beryl even managed to push out a tear (Diamond did not reach out to comfort her).

"I see." Diamond was frowning. This would be a thorn in his side indeed, good trackers were few and far between, and this one had been his best.

But Zacharoni the Bachelor was not one to give up so easily. Even though his pain and his unconscious did their very best to drag him into comfortable and oblivious sleep, he fought on bravely "I'mmmmmm...( _groan_ )...not...( _hurk!_ )...dead ( _cough, cough_ ) yet!" he managed to moan out before sleep really did overpower him.

"There! You see!" Prince Diamond said, plainly relieved that he wouldn't have to spend time later on looking for a new one. "You give your powers less credit than they're worth!" He slapped Beryl hard on the back and she stumbled forward. "Now heal him quickly so we can get on with the chase! We have a pirate to kill!" he stated with particular exuberance. "And a princess to save!" he added as an afterthought.

Beryl glared with her amber (but they were really hazel) eyes as hard as she could at the sleeping form of Zacharoni, hating him with every fibre of her very being. She had to think quickly, not many people could perform powerful healing spells, but of course, she had falsely claimed to be one of them.

"BERYL!" the Prince barked, now back on his horse and most impatient. "Get on with it!"

She bent over Zacharoni's body and an idea came to her. "Sire, I am trying!" she yelled out, "But it seems that I cannot fight the poison already in his system! To be counter-acted, the troll's venom needs things which I do not have available to me here."

Now Diamond was furious. "We can't afford to waste time going back to the palace and I need you on this chase with me! The pirate might have a sorcerer of his own!"

Beryl pretended to think and then stood up. "I have placed the strongest healing spell I know of over him. Let's leave him here to rest. Either he'll survive or he'll die, it's up to his own willpower. We can come back for him after we rescue the Princess Serena."

With reluctance, Diamond had to agree. "Guard, leave his belongings here and start a fire. That and the scent of the dead troll's blood should be enough to frighten off wild animals in the night. Make him a makeshift bed!" (This was a rare act of compassion on Diamond's part, even though it wasn't a very big one, I just had to acknowledge that). "Quickly now! I want this finished in less than five minutes!"

Once all was done, Prince Diamond and his entourage (minus Zacharoni the Bachelor, of course) went on their merry way, travelling directly north so that they could meet the ship waiting to take them along the Danburite River to the cove where the pirate ship, Elysium, waited.

Beryl, in particular, was in a rather good mood. Zacharoni would be dead by morning, and if all went to plan, her main rival would be dead either by the Prince's or her own hands in just over a week. (By popular demand (and by 'popular demand' I meant 'because I liked it so much' not because anyone actually asked), the drama button, first used in chapter 4, was brought back). Press here for [dramatic music](http://www.dramabutton.com/).

An hour ticked by and Zacharoni the Bachelor had managed to wake up, crawl desperately to his pack, find some herbs and cloth in there, clumsily staunch the bleeding as best he could and then pass out again. A fever took hold of him rather quickly and he shivered as he slept, the fire doing nothing to warm him and yet making him too hot at the same time. His mind flitted in and out of semi-consciousness and he no longer felt the passing of time (Zacharoni, being a tracker/hunter sort of fellow, was usually perfectly in tune with the risings and settings and waxing and wannings of the sun and moon). He could feel himself creeping closer to death's door. Whether it was days, weeks or hours which flew by, he had no idea, but at some point he thought to himself, "So this is how Zacharoni the Bachelor ends... alone in a forest, unloved and uncared for by anyone except for mother nature herself... Oh, what a romantic way to go, doing what I loved, in a world so beautiful and magnificent as ours... I do so wish, though, that there had been something... something more..." And with that last thought he was sure that he had died, because when he opened his eyes, it was to a loveliness so divine, (eyes as blue as the lakes and oceans that he adored so much, cheeks and lips as rosy and soft as the celestial clouds of a rising morning, and hair as dark and silky as the sparkling starry sky of midnight) that she could only be an angel of Heaven.


	11. Rushing Into Danger

Perhaps I should rewind a little... in fact, there is no 'perhaps' I _need_ to rewind a little...actually I need to rewind a lot. I shouldn't have written that last paragraph in the previous chapter yet, but I liked it too much to delete it, although I suppose it's better this way, since now you know that Zacharoni the Bachelor isn't going to die. I don't want any of my characters to die in this story (with the exception of the troll, of course, and Darien's careless father (but he was offstage, so to speak, so he doesn't count))... oh bother, am I giving away plot details again?

Ok, you know what? Forget I told you any of this stuff. Let's start again:

Perhaps I should rewind a little. Let's go back to Zacharoni the Bachelor lying feverishly in front of the cave, next to the decapitated troll. He's only just managed to crudely put some herbs and cloth bandages onto the wound, but it hasn't helped much at all. The fire is keeping him warm, but his fever is keeping him warmer. He doesn't have long left to live. Now, let's see what happens next, shall we? (I can tell this is going to be good! ^_^ What? Can't an author wait in anticipation for what comes next?)

...

...

...

Actually, you know what? I've been sitting here for the past ten minutes trying to think of a way to introduce Darien's carriage arriving on the scene and then stopping at the sight of Zacharoni. At first I thought Serena could notice the body as they drove by, but she's not that observant, so it'll either be one of the guys or Makoto of Acapulco who notices. I figured it would be a nice way for Makoto to get some more screen time, but then I realised that it would be the carriage driver who would notice first, and Makoto would not be one of those people. And then I thought Darien would be a good choice, since he hasn't been seen driving the carriage yet but then if he was driving, Serena would be sitting up there right next to him and I don't want her to notice Zacharoni immediately. Do you see my problem? So I've decided that _it doesn't matter who's turn it was to drive the damn carriage_. The point is, they were rushing up north in the carriage so they could get to the Danburite river and take a boat to the cove where the ship Elysium was waiting, when all of a sudden, the carriage came to a screeching halt since the driver of the carriage, _whoever it was_ noticed a dead troll and a deathly pale man lying next to a fire.

Serena stepped out of the carriage to stretch her legs and was about to ask her beloved Darien whether it was his turn to drive, and if it was, whether he would let her ride in front with him, when she noticed the scene ahead.

Darien winced in preparation.

Predictably, Serena screamed.

And then screamed some more. "OH MY GIDDY AUNT FANNY! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES THERE'S A TROLL IN THE ROAD!" With nothing but blind panic to guide her, she turned around, grabbed Makoto of Acapulco and began to sprint in the other direction.

Darien had predicted this and made a gesture for Norman to follow them.

Norman nodded his head, a gentle and amused smile on his ruggedly handsome face, and set off a brief pace, catching up to the women easily with long, giantesque strides. He scooped Serena up, (which of course, caused her to scream again) and shushed her in his most calming and rumbling voice. "No need to fear, my ladies. No harm will come to you."

Once Serena finally calmed down enough to realise who had picked her up, she had the grace to blush at her silliness and willingly made her way back to Darien and Jay. Norman gave Makoto his arm for support and she accepted it gratefully (and as they walked back to the carriage, even though Serena was still a little weary about the massive dead creature, she didn't fail to notice the shy smiles and quick glances that the excessively tall man and her lady-in-waiting were sharing with each other secretively).

When they got back to the carriage, Serena ran to Darien and embraced him fiercely, still distrusting of the creature on the ground. "No need to worry, my sweetness, the troll has no head, see?" He pointed to the creature, and he was right. It did indeed end at the neck.

Serena scrunched her face in disgust. "That's so gross!" But then she noticed the man that Jay Montoya was leaning over. "Is he dead?" (Here she began to well up with tears).

"No!" Jay swivelled his head with a serious look on his face. "Quickly, amigos! His heart still beats! He is alive!" At that everybody went into action. Darien and Makoto ran to the man, while Norman and Serena went to the carriage and fetched anything they thought would be useful.

"Oh," cried Makoto when she saw the man, recognising him instantly, "that is Zacharoni the Bachelor!"

They did their best to patch him up, but Serena noticed that from the point where Makoto recognised their invalid, Darien seemed deep in thought. Eventually, when they managed to put on fresh bandages and give him some other basic medical first aid (which wasn't much considering they didn't have a lot with them, plus they were in the Days of Yore, where their chief source of curing ails was magic and potions and leeches), Serena went to Darien and took his hand in hers. "What is it, my love?"

Darien's eyes were darker than usual (although they were about the same level of stormy). To Serena, she understood this as him being troubled and thoughtful. "He is very ill, and he will die if we do not get him help soon."

Makoto of Acapulco saw the problem. "But if we do not leave now, we will not reach your ship." She clutched at Norm the Giant's arm again, upset at their available choices.

Serena's eyes widened. "Oh, but we can't simply leave him to die here!" She began to cry at the very idea.

"No, we cannot," Norman said.

Jay Montoya did not hesitate. "Then I will take him into the citadel!" he said (in his very thick Spanish accent which I was not able to replicate properly here). "Obviously Darien must not go, and it will be easier for me than if Norman went who is less inconspicuous. I am the best choice."

"But you'll surely be caught!" cried Serena.

"Indeed!" Makoto agreed "You are known throughout the lands as the Spanish Tornado!"

Jay Montoya smiled. "I am grateful for your concern, señoritas, but you forget that I, along with my Captain and Norman managed to infiltrate your citadel and follow you both successfully into the woods."

"It wouldn't work," said Dariend, "because we would not be able to come back and rescue you."

"Then perhaps I should take him," volunteered Makoto bravely. "They have no quarrel with me, and I can get him to the palace doctor directly. I know I can leave Serena with you, as you are very capable of keeping her safe." Even though the comment was directed at Darien, her eyes glanced over to Norm, who looked pained at the prospect of her not coming with them. 

"Your plan makes sense," Serena said, now ready to ball, "but I would hate for you to leave me, you're my best friend!" she sniffled and then dove into Makoto. "What if I never saw you again?" The thought was almost too much to bear.

"Oh, I would hate that too!" Makoto of Alcopulco started to well up as well, "but don't worry, I could try and find a way to meet up with you somewhere, right?" she looked to Darien for a plan.

"No," he said, finally speaking, "we cannot leave you behind, because where we are headed, we will never be found by anyone looking for us." He frowned as he thought. "There is a house within the _Dead Moon Woods_." (There was an audible gasp from both ladies. Remember that originally Darien's plan had been to drive south as a diversion and then double back, travelling north until they met the river Danburite so they could sail east to the cove? He chose that route instead of the quicker method of cutting through the Dead Moon Forest (or Woods, it doesn't really matter which one it's called, it still means that it's a place with a load of trees around) because that place is particularly dangerous). "I have heard that a powerful Sorcerer lives there."

Makoto, who knew a lot about the goings on of court (she was a lady-in-waiting, having to listen to gossip and being up with the times was actually in her job description (it was in her contract and everything)), vaguely remembered that just before she'd become a lady-in-waiting, there had been a whole hoo-hah over the change over of sorcerers. "Are you referring to Miracle Malachite?" she questioned.

"Yes."

"But the ladies..." said Norm the Giant with concern (looking in particular at Makoto... am I making this attraction between them too obvious?) "The Dead Moon Forest is fraught with danger and evil."

"Either way, it is the route we must take," Darien said gravely. "The fact that they have left Zacharoni the Bachelor here to die means that they no longer need his help to track us."

"But they are not very far out from the citadel, they could not have given up looking for us already!" exclaimed Jay.

"No," said Darien, "which means they must have already figured out our ruse and they have doubled back to get to the Danburite river. Even if we were to leave Zacharoni the Bachelor here to die and continue north, Diamond and his entourage are already ahead of us and will make it to the Elysium before we do." (I was tempted to use the drama button here too, but decided against it because I don't want to over use it...) "That leaves us with only one chance, we must cut through... the Dead Moon Forest."

Jay sighed and so did Norman. Both knew how treacherous the forest was, and it wasn't going to buy them much more time. Even if they did not die in the forest, there was less than a slim chance that they would reach their ship before Diamond and his entourage, but there was no other option now.

"We will take Zacharoni the Bachelor with us and drop him off at Miracle Malachite's, since it's on the way."

The group all nodded in agreement.

"Do we have time for lunch?" Serena asked, desperately hoping for an answer in the affirmative (all the worrying and crying was hard work on the body and she needed food).

"No, you'll have to eat in the carriage," Darien said soothingly (ordinarily someone wouldn't have gotten so much sympathy for such a ridiculous comment, but Serena was his soul mate and Darien knew how important food was to her).

"But... I'll get carriage-sick!"

"Would it help if you rode in front with me while I drive?" he asked.

Serena beamed. "Oh Darien! How I love you so!" And they kissed (but only briefly because they remembered that they had to move quickly since they had a ship to get to and a dying man to save).

So onwards they galloped, taking a right instead of going straight up north, heading closer into danger and the Dark Moon Forest. As Darien steered the horses (and let's pretend that the horses get regular short breaks and food and sleep because I don't want to be accused of animal cruelty, even if these horses aren't actually real) Serena clutched his arm tightly, partially to avoid falling off the carriage, but mostly because she just liked touching Darien. "I have heard that this Miracle Malachite has a wife!" she yelled into his ear (because they were riding pretty fast so it was quite noisy).

"No thanks, my darling, I already ate!" Darien yelled back, clearly mishearing her (although what he thinks she said, I have no idea...)

"No, I said 'Miracle Malachite has a wife!'" she yelled out, even louder.

"Yes, apparently he does!"

"And her name is 'Mad Mina'?" she asked, doing her best to keep up the volume.

"Can't you hold it?" Darien turned and looked at her briefly before looking back to the dirt road they were speeding along. "I'm sure they'll have a privy there!"

"I don't need to  _pee_  I just wanted to know why she's called Mad Mina!" Serena yelled, but Darien was blatantly having trouble hearing her. "Is she nuts or is she just very angr- oh never mind!" She gave in, realising that it was much too difficult to hold a conversation with him at the break-neck speed they were going. "I'll ask you later!"

"Coconuts are found in tropical countries! When we sail by a place that has them, we'll get you to try one if you're that curious!"

Serena simply nodded her head and smiled, having no idea what on earth a coconut was, nor having any desire to try it.

As for inside the carriage, it was a little cramped on one side, with Jay and Norman sitting together and Makoto sort of half sitting in between them and half leaning over to the other side to wipe the sweating brow of the deathly ill Zacharoni. "Do you think that Miracle Malachite will help us?" she asked, more to herself than to the two men. "I have heard that he was very stern, even as a boy, and that he was cast out by Prince Diamond on the advice of Beryl. He will not bear much love for a man who serves the Prince Regent so loyally as Zacharoni does, I think." She frowned, her deep green eyes darkening with worry at their present situation. "I fear we will fail, both in saving this man and in getting to your ship in time. All might well be lost."

Norman put a large, gentle hand on her shoulder. "There is always hope," he said. "There is no use fearing the worst when there is still a chance that the best may yet happen, no matter how unlikely." He removed his hand from her and took the cloth, using it instead to wipe Zacharoni's brow himself, smiling when Zacharoni groaned. "This man seems strong, he will live, and our Captain is the most capable man I have ever known. All will turn out well, you'll see." 

And for some unknown reason, Makoto really believed him.


	12. Miracles, Madames and Altruism

When they arrived at the house of Miracle Malachite, (I could go into a long explanation of the how they located it in the first place, but I figured it wasn't necessary. Basically they used Darien's innate sense of direction, combined with the rumours Makoto had heard as well as Norman's moderately decent tracking skills...also, Serena made Darien pull over and ask a passing woodsman for directions (after which Darien made Serena sit inside the carriage, switching her for Jay because it was 'safer' for Serena... honestly, what is it with men and asking for directions?)), anyway, when they arrived at Miracle Malachite's house they were initially taken aback. It was not exactly what they had been expecting.

You see, with the idea of him having been chased out of the city to go live in the woods, and with all the stories about sorcerers living in rundown shacks - see T H White's "The Sword in the Stone" as a good example (and yes, all my characters in this story have read that book), they kind of expected the place to look like [this](http://fineartamerica.com/featured/the-old-shack-in-the-woods-autumn-at-long-pond-ironworks-state-park-gary-heller.html). Except when they got there, it looked more like [this](http://www.oshatz.com/text/wilkinson-1.htm) (and yes, I realise there’s a bit of a Swedish ‘modern flat pack’ thing going for it... interestingly enough, Miracle Malachite was an indirect ancestor to Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of our modern day IKEA, but I digress).

Darien was able to get over his shock the quickest, and knocked on the door. While he waited for an answer, Jay and Norman did their best to take Zacharoni out of the carriage as gently as possible.

When it seemed like there were no signs of anyone in the house, Darien knocked on the door again, this time much harder, debating whether he should possibly peek through the glass on the side. "Hello?" he called out and bashed his fist on the door. "This is an emergency, we need your help!" Pretty soon some footsteps and discontented grumbling could be heard from inside.

With a sudden and unexpected swing open, the door was pulled back to reveal a tall, white-haired man; the stories indeed had been true about him. With grey eyes which were hard and immovable as stone, he looked at Darien like he was an unwelcome pest. "What do you want?" he snapped.

It surprised Serena that this man, with such a shock of white hair (it wasn't very long either, perhaps just about to the nape), looked so very young. She stood next to Makoto, closer to the carriage than the house, and was very intimidated by this sorcerer (I think it was because he looked so much like a school teacher). He wore gold, wire-framed glasses which were perched at the end of a very fine nose, and despite the long grey robes and what appeared to be bedroom slippers in the shape of bunny rabbits, he was quite an attractive man. He wasn't old at all.

Darien couldn't help looking down at the man's unusual choice of footwear.

"They was a birthday gift from my wife. Now, who are you and what are you doing here? We're not looking to buy anything if you're selling, and I no longer perform miracles since my license was revoked when I left the palace." His mouth formed a hard line as he said that.

"Please, we found a man dying on the side of the road and we need your help," Darien explained.

Miracle Malachite took a quick sweeping view of the two ladies and the two men behind them who held what was obviously the sick man.

"And who are you?"

"My name is Darien."

Miracle Malachite was no fool. "You look like a pirate," he said.

Darien was not a liar by nature, but he realised that even if he'd wanted to hide the truth this Miracle Malachite character would have probably seen right though it. "That's because  _I am_  a pirate," he admitted, "I'm known as Endymion, the Dreaded Pirate Lord."

This did not seem to frighten the sorcerer, but he did narrow his eyes a little, becoming suspicious. "And who is this random dying man you found on the road?"

Darien hesitated but decided that the worst part should be revealed first. "He's from Prince Diamond's entourage." At that Miracle Malachite tried to slam the door in his face, but Darien managed to get his foot wedged in between the frame and the door itself. "No! Wait!"

"Remove your extremity from my doorway immediately!" Malachite commanded.

Darien felt a sudden urge to do exactly as he was told. It was a magical spell, no doubt, but he fought it with all his being. This Miracle Malachite was clearly very powerful, but Darien had true love on his side (and yes, Darien was one of those people who believed that inner strength and power came from the mighty force of looooove...), and that made his willpower quite strong as well.

"I said remove your foot!"

The fight for control over Darien's limb was difficult and Darien was losing it, but fought it he did, with all his might. "No!" he cried out.

"If your sick man is so friendly with that stupid no good excuse for a prince, then get that damnable, fraudulent, she-devil who is so beloved by that baffoon to cure him! Now leave!" (Here Miracle Malachite's eyes shone silver as he put more power into the spell on Darien's foot).

"Please!" Darien begged as his leg pulled back and the door closed further and further. "Zacharoni the Bachelor doesn't have much time left, if you do not help him, he will surely die!"

At the utterance of his old friend's name, Malachite threw the door open, his grey eyes wide with concern as he stepped away. "Bring him in quickly!" he demanded, waving Jay and Norman in with hurried, sharp gestures. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? What has happened to him?" He got the men to bring Zacharoni into a wide room with a large table and lay him on it.

"It was a troll attack," said Darien, breathing hard after exerting himself so much fighting against Miracle Malachite's foot-removal spell.

Miracle Malachite nodded and then carefully pulled away the bandages. "Altruistic Ami!" he called out to whoever was upstairs. "Bring down the honey, the bungleflopper, the red elixir, the hootenanny and some bandages!"

A petite and pretty young lady with short, dark hair trotted down the stairs. "Is the wound from a troll?" she asked in a sweet yet firm voice.

"It appears so," said Miracle Malachite as he pushed his spectacles further along his nose and examined the wound, prodding and pulling lightly on Zacharoni's stomach.

"Shall I fetch a dampleflooker as well, then?"

"Not yet, it doesn't look like the infection has spread too drastically, we may be able to avoid it."

The young lady named Altruistic Ami (look, it was hard finding an alliterative nickname for Ami, ok? Altruistic is the best I could come up with) ran up the stairs and soon came down with a basket full of odd objects and ingredients. Both she and Miracle Malachite began working on Zacharoni, prodding and poking and cutting and tapping and chanting and whatever else sorcerers do when they're healing someone.

Makoto and Serena held each other by the door, both worried out of their wits (they may have not known Zacharoni the Bachelor personally, but they knew that he was a good man and that was enough for them to do some extreme fretting).

" _Venez_ ," said a honeyed voice to their left.

Serena jumped and squeaked in surprise at the sudden and unnoticed appearance of a woman.

"Come, Miracle Malachite and Altruistic Ami will take great care of  _Zacharoni le Chasseur_." She was stunning, with blonde hair which was more of a golden colour than Serena's platinum, she was clothed in a long red gown, with a sheer chiffon blue overlay that ended halfway down the dress and was cinched with a pretty blue belt covered in shining gold stars that matched her hair. Her bright blue eyes were soft with sympathy, but it was her voice, heavy with a French accent, which sealed her allure. "I am Madame Mina-" (here Serena went "ooooh!" as she suddenly realised why the lady was known as 'Mad') "Yes," Mina said with a dry smile on her ruby lips, knowing what prompted Serena's outburst. "'Mad' eez short for Madame.  _Malheureusement_ , I don't know who first shortened my name so, but I am cursed wiz eet forever more. Now come, pleaze, rest a little."

"You must forgive us, señora Mina," apologised Jay, "but we cannot stay here."

"As much as we wish to stay, we have a long journey through this Forest and the less time we spend in it at night, the better," said Darien. "We must take our leave of you as quickly as we came."

"We are in a great rush," added Norm the Giant, "but we are grateful for your kind hospitality, Madame Mina."

Instead of answering, Mina approached Darien and looked at him carefully and rather intensely (almost to the point where Serena started to feel a little bit uncomfortable and possessive) but her gaze soon flitted to her fellow blonde, and then she smiled widely. "I can see zat zere is a great bond of love between ze two of you. It eez truly somezing beautiful, I can tell." She flicked her hand briefly and a light poof was heard overhead. Serena looked up and saw with delight that sparkles seemed to rain down into her hair, and into Makoto's, Darien's, Jay's and even Norman's as well. Without saying anything, Mina turned around and walked out of the room, returning a few moments later with a large wicker basket. "You must take it, Altruistic Ami is a most excellent cook," she said, offering it to Makoto to hold. The foods in it smelt delicious: apple pie, cinnamon rolls, roasted beef and pears, among other mouthwatering delights.

"Thank you deeply, Madame," said Makoto, taking the basket with wide green, grateful eyes, "you are most generous."

"It eez nothing, I assure you. You ave brought us our dear old friend Zacharoni, and you 'ave saved eez life in doing so, it eez  _us_  who are in your debt." Mina looked at Makoto for a second longer, as if she had suddenly noticed something about the taller woman, and then her blue eyes looked at Jay, but moved on quickly to Norman. "Ah," she said mysteriously, when she saw the two toned eyes of the giant, " _c'est l'amour_..." Giving him a knowing smile, she ushered the company to the door. "Now, I believe you said zat you must dash away, but before you depart from us, know zat zere are  _trois challenges_  zat you will most likely face if you are to journey through our Dead Moon Forest." Her tone suddenly became serious. "Zey are known as the three 'i's: ze Iridescent Shark, ze Indian Tiger and  _finalement_ , ze Ill-News Hawk (ok, so I couldn't find a legitimate species of hawk which began with 'i'. So sue me)." With another flick of her wrist a piece of parchment appeared in her hand. " _Voila_ , a list on how to defeat zem. Now shoo," she said affectionately, "Zat puff of ze glitter before was a spell for luck and love. We will take good care of Zacharoni."

Serena and Makoto curtseyed in thanks, Darien and Norman bowed and Jay, being Spanish and unable to resist, kissed Mad Mina's hand with all his Spanish fervour. "Your kindness will not be forgotten, señora Mina,  _gracias_." And with that the party were out the door.

They hopped into their carriage and took off like lightning.

 


	13. MURDER?!

Alright, you know how I ended saying that they sped away from Miracle Malachite's home like lightning? well I lied a little, but it wasn't intentional... so if it's not an intentionally-made false statement, is it a lie? Or is it just a mistake? I think it's a mistake. Well, under contract law, if there's no intentio- why am I even talking about this?

So they did not speed off right away. They were _about_ to speed off when Altruistic Ami came rushing towards their carriage. "Wait!" she cried out, waving her arm to get their attention. "The gentleman who you brought would like to speak to you!" (She called him 'the gentleman' because she'd never met Zacharoni the Bachelor before so she did not really know who he was, all she knew was that he seemed to be a very important person to her mentors).

Actually, now would be a nice time to discuss what happened when Zacharoni actually woke up. So you remember the part where he opened his eyes way back in a previous chapter to find an 'angel' (he thought he was dead) looking at him? If you hadn't guessed, it was Altruistic Ami's face that he saw. Actually, this would also be a good time, I think, to give some background information on her character too:

Altruistic Ami is Miracle Malachite's enthusiastic and highly intelligent apprentice. Mad Mina found her one day when she was shopping at a village just outside of the Dead Moon Forest. She noticed that Ami was quite good at healing basic ails but that she lacked the knowledge to do more. When she visited the young lady's hovel (at the time, Altruistic Ami lived in a hovel on her own), she was even more pleased to find out that Altruistic Ami (known back then simply as 'Ami' - it was Mad Mina who insisted on the extra name, but it was Malachite who thought of 'Altruistic')  _anyway,_  Mina was even more pleased to find that Ami had the closest thing to an amateur laboratory possible, given her limited knowledge, lack of finances and the fact that she was living in the Days of Yore, which was a little bit like the Dark Ages if you ask me. Mad Mina  _knew_  that Ami would be destined for greatness. (I like to think that while Mad Mina and Miracle Malachite have not  _actually_  travelled to the future, they were very much aware of it and so had a little bit of an otherworldly, wise and almost 'prophetic' look about them, like they've got a permanent 'I-know-more-than-I'm-letting-on' expression on their faces, although what this description really implies about their characters I have no idea. I was trying to be poetic. Anyway, my point was Mina was impressed with Ami's potential and offered her a position as an apprentice, something which Ami accepted gladly and never looked back from).

Zacharoni woke up to see Altruistic Ami's pretty face looking over him.

"Am I in Heaven?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

"Shh... you mustn't speak, save your strength." She turned away and Zacharoni the Bachelor already missed her soft gaze. "Here." Looking back at him with a gentle smile, bringing with her a cup, she tilted it to meet his lips, "Drink this," she said.

He gladly lifted his head, spurred on to move by the touch of her delicate but sure hands guiding him to the water. When he had sipped, his mind had settled enough for him to question her. "Where am I? I thought surely I was done for."

She explained, in her calm and logical tone, where he was and how he had gotten there. When she finished, she noted with some alarm that he seemed eager to sit up. "I must get to my rescuers before they leave!" he exclaimed, his face scrunched in obvious pain as his hand clamped down on his stomach wound.

"But you must rest!" she said, pressing her hand against his chest in an effort to have him lie back down.

Now, being a bachelor with long experience with women, Zacharoni did not miss the slight blush in her cheeks, or the quickening of his own heart at her touch. But he had little time to dwell on the matter. "What care have  _I_  for rest? I am sending my rescuers to certain doom!"

At the desperate look on his beautiful features and the gravity of his words, Ami lost her blush, suddenly becoming serious. "I will fetch them for you, then!" she said. And with that, she ran as quickly as her skirts would allow (Ami, in case you didn't realise, was wearing Days of Yore skirts...whatever those were... I think it involved some kind of petticoat, she was a little conservative in that regard... and they were swishy, but the hems were always dirty because in the Days of Yore there were no pavements to walk on and they were in a forest, which was full of mud, unsurprisingly. Lots of mud).

So out she ran, waving her arms frantically to get their attention. "Wait!" she called out. "Please! Stop!"

Luckily, Jay spotted her and called for Darien to halt the carriage. When Ami explained the situation, they all rushed inside again. Mad Mina and Miracle Malachite joined them, wanting to hear what all the commotion was about (although, it is suspected by most that they already knew, you know, since they had magical powers and all).

They surrounded Zacharoni's bed, although Ami made sure to shush people away enough to not crowd him, he was, after all, a very sick man and he needed his space.

"Zacharoni the Bachelor! Altruistic Ami said you needed to tell us something urgent," said Darien.

"Yes, I did," replied Zacharoni, and then he launched, as quickly as he was able (because time was of the essence), into the truth of Beryl and Diamond's intentions. He told them about how he had overheard their plans for murder when he had been investigating the tracks and Diamond had been eating his sandwich.

...

Wait, what? You don't remember that part? Which one? The part with Prince Diamond eating the sandwich ? Oh, that's no problem, I can remind you: it was an MLT, you know? Mutton, lettu- oh, you mean the part where Zacharoni overheard their plot? Oh don't worry about that, that's not too important, all you need to know is that Diamond and Beryl have plotted to kill Serena on her wedding night and blame it on their neighbouring country Lyttonia so that Diamond can start a war (it's almost identical to the original Princess Bride, really) although why he would want to start a war with  _Lyttonia_  is beyond me. They bake things. Who could hate bakers?

So Zacharoni rehashed the planned plot even though it pained him, both figuratively and literally, to do so (literally because it obviously hurts to talk or do anything when you've had your side slashed by a troll, and figuratively because by telling them, he was betraying his Prince, and you all know how Zacharoni feels about loyalty, but this time, he knew this was too much of an injustice and he owed his rescuers). "So in conclusion, the Prince wishes to..." Zacharoni the Bachelor gritted his teeth in pain, "to  _murder_  the Princess Serena!" (yay! We get to use the [drama button](http://www.dramabutton.com/) again!).

Makoto gasped. "Not _murder_?!" she cried in disbelief. "Oh, the horror!"

" _Mon Dieu! Le meurtre!_ " Mad Mina turned to her beloved. " _Mon amour!_  Zees eez horrible!"

"To plot murder is a serious and evil plan," Malachite said, agreeing with his wife (although how he understood her with such a thick accent, I'll never know, I barely understand her, and I'm the one writing her lines!) "Murder you say, Zacharoni the Bachelor?"

"Murder indeed," confirmed Zacharoni. "Murder most foul."

Jay Montoya was appalled. "Murder!" he cried, shocked to the very core at just the idea of murdering an innocent lady. "This man is a true  _maleante_!" (That's 'villain' in Spanish, in case you weren't sure).

"Does he really intend to  _murder_  Serena?" Norm the Giant couldn't understand who would want to do such a thing.

"He definitely intends to murder her, on their wedding night," confirmed Zacharoni.

"To  _murder_  her on her wedding night!" Makoto was in even more disbelief. "How could he think to  _murder_  her-"

"COULD EVERYBODY STOP SAYING 'MURDER'?" Serena yelled out at the top of her lungs, silencing the room. She took in a deep breath. "It's freaking me out." She turned to Darien, "Darling, did you know about this?" Serena was more savvy than she was given credit for. "Is that why you had to kidnap me? Because you knew that Diamond needed me for his ploy and would therefore not allow me to leave him voluntarily?"

Darien blinked. "Uh... I suppose that's one way of interpreting it." (In actual fact Darien had just been really upset that Serena was going to marry Diamond in the first place, thinking that she'd fallen in love with the Prince Regent and abandoned the memory of her true love, so he sort of kidnapped her out of spite... being a pirate can bring out the worst in people. Don't worry, though, it turned out okay because the second he saw her again in real life, he couldn't hold onto his anger an instant longer and he fell just as much in love with her as before, so all's well that ends well and all that jazz).

"What are we to do? Capable Man in Black?" Makoto turned to Darien, terrified for Serena, and hoped with all her might that he had the answer. (Seeing how distressed she was, Norm the giant put a large, comforting hand on her shoulder).

Darien looked down at Serena with his dark and stormy gaze and answered Makoto's question. "We flee as fast as the horses will take us. We have little other choice than to follow our original plan!" He turned to Zacharoni and clutched his hand. "Thank you for telling us the truth, we are forever in your debt."

Zacharoni wrapped his free hand around that of Darien's. "No, we are now even, and I know that I have made a new ally. You are truly a great Pirate Lord and I wish you well."

Darien nodded sagely. "Until we meet again, friend." And with that, the band were off again.


	14. Geronimo!

 

 

 

"What does the parchment say?" Serena asked Makoto as they sped along (Darien and Norman, who were sitting on top of the carriage, had already read the instructions which Madame Mina had given them on how to deal with the three 'i' challenges - you remember the three 'i' challenges, right?  _No?_  Oh. That's ok. No, seriously, it's fine. I mean, you've already forgotten about the plot to kill Serena and the sandwich that Diamond ate, you've probably forgotten  _all_  sorts of things, it's almost like you just  _don't care_  about this story... I'm betting you've even forgotten about the  _troll_. The troll that  _died_ , poor troll.

Hmph,  _fine._  I'll explain: the three 'i's are mystical creatures whose names all begin with 'i' (surprisingly), it's meant to be a play on the Dark Moon Circus people, you know, fish/tiger/hawk whatsits - see below for further details).

Makoto passed Jay the basket of food so that she could read the letter. (You _do_  remember than Makoto was given a basket of food by Mina before they left, yes?)

"It says:

_Bonjours mes amis!_  I hope you're enjoying the food and that you are making le good time on your trip. You will meet three challenges in the forest, here is how you may them defeat:

To avoid le Iridescent Shark, you must float from le shore of Uncertainty to le bank of Inner Confidence." Makoto put down the parchment and looked at them. "I wonder what that means..." she thought aloud. "Her grammar needs some work as well," she commented idly.

"I believe that  _el Capitán_  (that's what Jay Montoya called Darien) thinks it will be some test of bravery."

"That makes sense," Makoto nodded, "but it's not much of an instruction. It doesn't really tell us what we actually need to do."

Serena smiled. "My Darien is the bravest man I know, he'll have no trouble defeating that terrible and colourfully shiny shark!" Her eyes shone with love at just the thought of the man driving their carriage outside. "What else does it say?" she asked.

Makoto picked up the parchment and read out the next instruction. "Beware le  _Tigre indien_  for he is a hungry creature, feed him more than your fear! He will test your strongest nerves!"

"A tiger!" said Serena with a gasp. "All the way from India!"

" _A tigre_!" exclaimed Jay, excited at the prospect of seeing such a fabulous creature. "It sounds  _magnífico_!"

"And terrifying!" said Serena. "But I am not afraid, if travelling with you all and my beloved Darien has taught me anything, it is that together we will overcome all odds!"

Makoto smiled and leaned in, hugging her dear friend. "I will agree with you there." She looked down at the parchment for the final instruction. "The Ill-News Hawk has knowledge of old, and he will use it to test your wit!" Makoto frowned. "English is not my native language, but do you think that Madame Mina meant 'wits'? Does your 'wit' not have something to do with a sense of humour?"

"I think she meant that the Ill-News Hawk will test our intelligence," Jay suggested.

Serena seemed a little worried at that. " _All_  of our intelligence?"

Makoto gave her a sympathetic look. "Do not be so hard on yourself. You are clever enough."

At the next stop they made (to switch over drivers and to allow some of the group to...you know, when you gotta go, you gotta go...  _what_? Every prince and princess has to pee at some point!) Serena was just coming back to the carriage when she heard a rustling sound and the snap of a twig in the bushes next to her. This was not the ordinary sound of a cute, furry animal hopping or trotting around. No, the sounds were more of a large creature, something hiding. Feeling the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end, she turned slowly, knowing that there was something there. Something watching her. When she finally looked, it was to see a pair of yellow eyes and green teeth in amongst the leaves. A slobbery growl confirmed her worst fears and she screamed and ran deeper into the forest, away from the road.

"OH MY JUMPY COUSIN ELIZA! IT'S A GOBLIN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

"Snarl! Mrgrunom nom!" yelled the goblin as it darted out of the bushes and chased after her. "Urgle de gurfle snork gnarl!"

"SERENA!" Darien yelled, his face pale with fear. On instinct Norm the Giant reached down and pulled a bow and arrow from under the carriage driver seat, passing it to Darien.

Without thinking, Darien lifted it and took aim. It took him a few seconds to rid himself of emotion, so strong was his fear as he saw his beloved flailing her arms and running away like an adorable panicky blonde chicken being chased by a hideous monster, but focus he did, and he saw nothing but the target. The creature never stood a chance (try and picture this like the  _Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves_  scene, if you want to have a little Brian Adams playing in the background then go ahead, the arrow can be on fire too if you like, because that would make it cool...)

The arrow flew with precision and hit its target with a sure, dull  _thwp,_  piercing through the ugly goblin's back and killing it, dead. "SERENA!" Darien called out, jumping off of the carriage and about to run to her. Norman stopped him, holding him back with his superior strength. "Wait! I have spent my childhood in woods like these! I recognise those trees!"

Makoto and Jay ran out to join them.

"They're silver swamp birch!" Norman looked at Serena in the distance. "Serena!" he yelled out in his giant, rumbly voice. "Whatever you do, do not move!"

"But I'm in a clearing now! There's a river just ahead of me!" Serena said, both scared and whiny at not being able to have her beloved run to her and hug her and tell her everything was alright.

"I must get to her!" Darien said, fighting against Norman's hold.

But the giant would not let him go. "Trust me, friend. The area Serena ran through is filled with  _quick swamp_!"

"Quick swamp?" asked Makoto, worried for her mistress.

"It is like quicksand, but in a swamp! It's almost impossible to tell where there is quick swamp, the silver swamp birch trees are the only indicator that they exist. It is a miracle that Serena managed to run through without falling into one!"

Even though he understood the danger, the knowledge did not alleviate Darien's concern for his dearest, sweetest love. "Don't worry, Serena, my darling!" He scanned the woods and noticed the direction of the road they were travelling. "Stay where you are, I believe the road we were taking will lead us to the river that you're seeing! We'll drive over as fast as we can! When we get to the river, I'll swim over to save you!"

"Oh Darien, my brave love! Hurry! I'm alone and scared!"

Even though she was some distance away, the group could plainly see that she was crying big, fat tears.

"Oh! My dear!" said Makoto, fretting. "Don't worry, we're coming for you!" She looked at the others. "Hurry, we must hurry!"

So they all clambered back into the carriage, with Darien and Norm the Giant taking their places again on the driver's seat in front, and Makoto and Jay inside. As they sped away, Jay could plainly see how upset Makoto was. "Do not worry, dear friend of Acapulco," he said, doing his best to soothe her. He took the basket of food from her hands, which she was gripping with an iron fist. "We will- ARRRRGH!"

"JAY MONTOYA! OH NO!" Makoto watched with horror as they hit a bump in the road and Jay tumbled straight out of the carriage and down a steep hill off the road, the basket of food tumbling right out with him. "STOP!" she screamed out, but at the speed they were travelling, the drivers obviously did not hear. "STOP!" she yelled out again, leaning out of the carriage to do so.

For a second time, the carriage bumped over a rock and this time it was Makoto who went flying out and rolling down the hill.

"MAKOTO!" Seeing her fall, Norman leaped off the carriage, without even thinking, following her.

"NORMAN! MAKOTO!" Darien halted the carriage, but it was too late, the two had already disappeared in the bushes, down the long steep hill. "Jay!" he cried out, but when he looked into the carriage it was to find that he was alone. For a moment he froze with confusion and indecision, Serena or the others? With another look at the steep hill and a quick calculation in his head, he figured that more than likely if he continued on the road he was driving along to get to Serena, then he would reach the bottom of the hill and he could find his friends there, anyway. He climbed back onto the carriage and continued on, hoping that the others were alright.


	15. The Three 'I' Tests

 

Serena's heart thumped in her throat. She was alone. Ahead of her was the creepy swamp forest that she hadn't even noticed she'd run through as she was being chased. And in it, just within her field of vision, was the dead goblin that had once considered her a tasty snack. She turned around and saw a wide river up ahead. "Ohhh..." she whined, eager for Darien to appear on the other side of the river and come save her. "Hurry up my love..." she whimpered. To make matters worse, her tummy rumbled with hunger.

She looked again to the river, waiting to spot the carriage and noticed something. There was a sign post, half hidden by reeds and tall grass, just a few feet away. Curiosity got the better of her and she approached cautiously, pulling the foliage away to read the notice. On it was drawn a picture of the river, and on the near side there was a label which said ' _Shore of Uncertainty'_ , the far side of the river was named  _'Bank of Inner Confidence'_. Those terms sounded very familiar to her. With another look at the sign post she saw some crude images of fish, labelled as  _'Iridescent Shark, pangasius hypophthalmus of the Catfish family_ '.

"Iridescent shark are catfish?" she asked herself, wishing desperately that Darien was there with her to tell her if this was true. She also noticed that there was a picture of a tiny boat on her side of the river and decided it would be useful to look for it. After only a minute of wading though the reeds, she found a little row boat, complete with an oar.

Suddenly she understood.

Mad Mina's instructions weren't about any test of bravery, they were literal. Serena actually had to float from the shore of Uncertainty to the bank of Inner Confidence. "What silly names for a river," she thought to herself, pushing the boat into the water and hopping in. "Now, I wonder what Iridescent Shark look like. If they're only fish, they can't be that scary!"

She got her answer soon enough as one of them suddenly swam up and bumped her little boat. She squeaked in surprise as she rocked in the water. Suddenly, there was another bump from the other side. She looked over to see another fish had knocked her boat. There was a third and then a fourth bump. She yipped and screamed, shutting her eyes tightly and grasping at the oar, not liking the nasty fish one little bit. More than anything she wished Darien would swoop in and save her.

* * *

Jay dusted himself, recovering quickly from his tumble. He checked himself, feeling for any broken bones or bruises and found none, he then looked to the left of him and noticed the food basket. Fortunately, there was a cover on it and most of what had fallen out (like a chicken, some cheese, bread rolls and apples) were close by. He looked up at the steep bank and realised how far he had fallen. " _Amigos_!" he yelled out to the top. "Are you there?"

"No," drawled a rather sophisticated voice from behind him.

Jay whirled around, only to find that of all things, a huge tiger lay a few feet away from him, laying lazily as it licked its paws.

"Your friends continued on. You're at my mercy." The tiger looked at him with intensely bright green eyes and Jay couldn't help being a little hypnotised by their beauty.

"Will you let me pass,  _señor tigre_? If my friends have gone on ahead, I have to find my way to the river to meet them."

The great orange and black tiger yawned, his wide jaws snapping open wide, revealed pearly sharp teeth. "If I let you pass, then you will meet your friends, for the path behind me will magically take you where you need to be."

"Thank you,  _señor tigre_!" Jay made to go.

"Not so fast, I did not say that you could leave." The tiger smiled widely, clearly enjoying his power over the Spanish Tornado. "You must first face a test."

Jay remembered the instructions: "Feed him more than your fear". So this would be a test of his nerves. "I will face whatever test you choose to give."

The tiger shifted as if he were suddenly uncomfortable, his tail twitched slightly, sliding across the forest floor. "Your test... is to fight me," he announced.

Without another word, Jay pulled out his fine sword, a smile on his golden features. This test would not be so bad, then.

"I had not finished," the tiger said with irritation, noticing Jay's lack of terror. "You must do so...without your sword!"

"Alright," said Jay, putting his sword away and pulling out his little dagger, tossing it from one hand to the other.

The tiger didn't seem to like that either and frowned. "Um... there are to be no weapons at all!" he proclaimed.

Jay lost none of his enthusiasm. "Ah, Norman is superior in this form of fighting, so I am rarely allowed the chance for hand to hand combat. This will be good practice for my skills!"

The tiger licked his lips. "I see. Well, the test needs you to have your hands tied behind your back."

Jay thought briefly about it, stroking his fine golden moustache. "This will make things harder, but if these are they rules,  _señor tigre,_  then I will gladly accept them," he said in that whisper-y voice of his.

The tiger tapped his paw on the ground in frustration. "And also, your neck needs to be in my mouth."

The truth dawned on Jay. "This is not a real test, is it,  _señor tigre_? You simply wish to eat me." His placed his hand on his hip, blatantly annoyed.

The tiger refused to look at him. "...Maybe..."

"If you are so hungry, why do you not go hunt for something?" Jay gestured to the massive forest surrounding them.

The tiger sighed. "Can't really be bothered. This way is much easier."

"How many people have actually fallen for this attempt at trickery?"

The tiger scoffed. "Quite a few."

"By quite a few, _señor tigre_ , you must mean none, no?" Jay had not met any tigers before, but if they were all like this, then he was less than impressed.

"Look," the tiger said, levelling with Jay, "normally people just chuck me some of their rations."

"You are the laziest  _tigre_  I have ever met." He finally understood the last part of the instructions from Madame Mina _: feed him more than your fear._  He just hadn't expected to feed him actual food. "There is some roast chicken in this picnic basket. If I give it to you, will you let me pass?"

The tiger was affronted at the idea. "I can't eat  _chicken_! The bones are too soft, why, I could choke!"

"I am sure that it is only a problem for  _los gatos y perros,_ " Jay said, further disgusted by the tiger's behaviour.

"Pardon?"

"The cats and the dogs," Jay said, translating.

"I count as part of the cat family, I have a cousin who's a cat, he's white and he lives in the royal palace. What else have you got there?"

Jay huffed. "Salted pork."

"I'm on a low sodium diet, keep going."

Jay's eyes were narrowed into dangerous blue slits. "For someone who is a starving creature, you are being very picky."

"Do you want to cross or not?"

"All I have left to offer you is roast beef, but I was looking forward to that," he mumbled out the last part.

The tiger perked up. "Roast beef sounds nice!" He slapped his jaws, as if tasting the air. "Oh yes, a spot of roast beef sounds positively divine!"

Jay looked at the meat, regretting its sacrifice, but he had little choice. "Fine. Here.  _Tigre estúpido_." (He now realised that when Mina had written 'test your nerves', she had meant that the tiger was just annoying...)

The tiger let him pass, munching happily on the big chunk of meat.

* * *

Serena squeaked some more as she was bumped again and again, the boat rocking and jerking her back and forth. It seemed these fish were just watery bullies! "Leave me alone you terrible, ugly, horrible fish!" she yelled, waving the oar threateningly at the water. She was too far across the river now to jump out of the boat and reach the shore, and she was too afraid to put the paddle into the water because that would involve her hand getting much too close to the bumping fish. She was stuck between a rock and a hard place... or she was like a fish out of water, whichever saying is more appropriate in this case. "Stop it!" she said, verging on tears. "Stop!"

When all her complaining failed to discourage the iridescent shark, she eventually built up the courage to use the oar. She made as little contact with the water as possible and screamed the entire time. For obvious reasons, she did not make much progress across the river.

* * *

Norm the Giant immediately rushed to Makoto of Acapulco's side. "My lady, are you hurt?" he asked with genuine concern, approaching her, but not daring to touch more than her hand.

"Oh," said Makoto, clutching at her head, "I'm a little dizzy," (she had pretty much somersaulted all the way down), "but I think other than that, I am no worse for wear." She smiled at him in thanks and then waited a moment before standing, ensuring that she really was alright before moving too much. "How are you?"

Norman smiled, relieved to see that she was well. "For someone of my stature, the fall was not so terrible."

They both looked up to see that it was actually quite a high distance that they had fallen from. Makoto blushed suddenly, remembering the details of what had happened. "You jumped after me," she said, her eyes as shiny as the beautiful tiger's had been (obviously they don't know this because they did not meet the tiger, only Jay did, but you being the reader knew the tiger had pretty eyes, so the comparison is for your benefit). "You did not have to put yourself into such danger for me."

"Oh but I did!" said Norm eagerly, but then his bravery left him and he too blushed.

"Ahem!  _Squawk_!" came an annoyed and rather grating voice.

"Oh," exclaimed Makoto as she noticed an unusual-looking bird of prey sitting in a low branch. "What a strange creature," she remarked, approaching it.

The bird fluffed his feathers, as though irritated. "How very rude of you, young woman!" it said, in the same high, scratchy old-man voice as before.

Makoto was too shocked to respond.

Norman, who was rumoured to be part fae, and who had spent much of his childhood in woods such as these, was not so phased. "You," he said, "must be the Ill-News Hawk."

"I am!" said the hawk, his sharp gaze fierce.

If hawks had long wizard beards, this hawk would have had one, Makoto thought to herself. And bushy eyebrows. But of course he was a hawk, so he had neither of these things. Seeing that they had clearly upset the bird, Makoto did her best to apologise. "We are terribly sorry for disturbing you, Mr Ill-News, we will be on our way." She took Norm the Giant's large hand and pulled him with her.

"Not so fast!" The hawk flapped its great red wings (Hawk Eye was red, wasn't he? I didn't see the Dark Moon series of Sailor Moon...) and perched itself on a branch close to the escaping couple. "Not so fast," he repeated. "That path is laced with powers far older and stronger than either of you. You need to pass a test of my device in order for it to take you successfully to your destination, if not, you will go  _nowhere_!"

At the mention of a test, Norman pulled Makoto behind him, as if to protect her. "Do your worst to me, Hawk, but leave this lady alone, she is innocent."

"Oh, don't worry," the Hawk had a decidedly sly look about him, "this isn't a physical test."

"No?" asked Norman.

"Oh no! Do I look like a barbarian to you?  _Psh_! Physical tests indeed! They're for nincompoops, ninnies! Dummies and dopes and stupid people!" The Hawk practically cackled, thinking that he really had these sub-species quaking in their human shoes. "Oh, my test is one of wit!"

Makoto frowned. "Don't you mean 'wits', as in intelligence?"

"I make the rules here, you young upstart!" The hawk ruffled his feathers in indignation.

"My apologies, Mr Hawk." Makoto was nothing if not polite.

Norman, who (as I said earlier) had had dealings with mythical creatures in the past, was much less patient that Makoto. "What is this test, then?"

"I..." the hawk deliberately took his time, "will ask you a riddle!"

"A riddle?" Makoto brightened. Being a lady-in-waiting meant that she had to entertain quite often, so she was quite up to date on the latest riddles and she really enjoyed it when people asked to hear one.

"Indeed." The hawk made himself look as grave as a hawk could.

"What is this riddle?" Norman asked, eager to get on with it and find Darien.

"I will give it to you now!  _Squawk!_ "

"We are ready, Mr Hawk," said Makoto.

"Fine," said the Hawk. "Here is the riddle...that I will now tell you!"

The couple waited.

"It is an ancient riddle!"

Norman almost huffed. He'd met this type of magical creature before. "Please, Mr Hawk, we're in a rush."

"Fine, fine! What," asked the hawk, scowling, "walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three legs in the evening?" He seemed very smug.

Makoto was beaming, looking first at Norman (who could not help smiling back at her exuberance) and then the bird. "Everyone knows that one!"

The hawk harrumphed. "You're stalling," he said, eyeing her with suspicion.

"No, really, it's from the myth about the Sphynx, everyone knows that one."

He still did not trust her explanation. "So what is it then?" he prodded.

"Why, it's a man, of course!"

"Oh." The hawk seemed sorely put out.

This did not fail Makoto's notice and she suddenly felt terrible for having deflated the hawk's mood. "Sorry, should I have pretended to stall longer?" she asked.

"That would have been nice," grumbled the hawk.

"Ok," Makoto said, trying her best to appease the old bird of prey. "I can still do that for you...Hmm..." she pretended to think, "so four legs suggests crawling, three legs..."

The hawk wasn't buying it. "It's a bit late now."

Norman tried to intervene. "Perhaps we should just-"

"No, no, I feel terrible," Makoto interrupted. "Let's pretend I didn't get it so quick...Hmm, three legs... could one of them be wooden? Like a walking cane?"

The hawk huffed (or at least he would have if hawks could huff). "Now it's just getting silly."

"I am sorry Mr Hawk. Do you have any other riddles you could try?" Makoto asked before Norman could stop her.

"Well..." the hawk became particularly flustered at that. "No actually, I don't."

"So may we pass, please?" she asked, being as polite as possible.

"Um... no. No, I think we need to try something else, a  _real_  test."

Makoto raised her well shaped chestnut eyebrows. "That wasn't a test?" she asked.

"... No," the Hawk thought for a moment. "It was more of a warm-up for the test."

(Norman rolled his eyes).

"Alright then," Makoto said, steeling herself for whatever was coming. "Let the test begin."

"I believe _I_ am meant to say that."

"My apologies, Mr Hawk."

"My name is Horace."

"Horace the Ill-News Hawk?"

"It's semi-alliterative."

Norman frowned. "Is that even a word?"

"I ask the questions here, sonny!"

"Sorry," Norman said, not entirely genuinely. "Carry on, please."

The Hawk cleared his throat and began. "Why is six afraid of seven?"

That one was easy and Makoto answered without even thinking. "Because seven ate nine."

The hawk's eyes narrowed at her apparent insolence. "When is a door not a door?"

"When it's ajar."

The hawk's face tightened with indignation. How dare she get these so quickly! Well, he most certainly was not going to outsmarted by measly humans, young ones at that! "What do you call a farmer who is good at his job?"

"A man outstanding in his field."

"What do calendars eat?"

"Dates."

"What do you get when you cross a snowman and a mosquito?"

"Frost bite."

"What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?"

"Lost."

"A man with a seagull on his head?!"

"Cliff."

"What's black and white and red all over?!"

"A sunburned zebra, a sunburned penguin, a sunburned nun, or a newspaper," she fired off, ticking each one off her fingers. "Take your pick."

"WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?!"

"..." For a moment Makoto was speechless. "Really?" she asked, not quite believing it. There had to be a catch. A version she hadn't heard, perhaps. "You're really going with that one?"

"What?" If the Ill-News Hawk named Horace could frown, he would have. "It's a perfectly good riddle!" he yelled, obviously flustered.

Makoto was finally losing patience with the bird. "It's more of an example of anti-humour if you want to get technical."

"I do not want to get technical,  _squwark!_ " The hawk was downright excitable now. "You know, it was far harder for people in my time when these riddles were new."

"Exactly how old  _are_  you?" Makoto wondered.

"I ask the questions here, missy!"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend."

"Look," said Norman, taking charge. "That's quite enough, Mr Hawk, I think she's answered all of your questions, now let us pass."

"Oh no you don't!" And at that the hawk flapped his great red wings and sailed over to a nearby tree. "There is one more test. One _true_  test. Do you see the apple at the top of this tree?"

Makoto squinted as Norman bent down, as if searching the ground for something he'd dropped. "I see it," she said.

"Well," said the hawk, "you will notice that the tree is actually filled with a complicated system of pulleys, gears and ropes within its twisty branches."

(Norm the Giant was still searching on the ground for something, picking up a small rock or pebble every so often before putting it back down again).

Makoto, confused about Norman's behaviour, looked into the tree and saw that indeed it was filled with a curious system of ropes, gears and pulleys "What on earth are they for?" she asked.

"Well, you will also notice that there are several cords which lie at the foot of this tree, you must observe the pulley system and choose the correct cord to pull on in order to drop the apple." (At this point Norman had found a suitable pebble and tossed it in his hands to test its weight). "If you pull on the  _wrong_  cord, the apple will not fall into our hands but be sliced into tiny pieces-" (Here Norman took aim and then threw the pebble at the apple). "Oh. I hadn't thought of that," said the Ill-News Hawk named Horace as he watched the little rock fly through the air.

With deadly accuracy the pebble hit the apple, knocking it off its perch on the tree and down into Norman's waiting, large hands. He tossed the apple in the direction of the hawk and took Makoto's gentle warm palm into his. "We're leaving, bird," he said. "Thank you for your time."

"Yes!" Makoto said as she was tugged away, glad to be going. "Thank you!"

" _Phooey,_ " said the Ill-News Hawk and kicked at the apple with his claw.

* * *

It had gotten to the point where Serena had all but forgotten her fear. She was now sick of screaming, absolutely _starving_ , annoyed at how useless her rowing was and genuinely angry at all the stupid fish bumping her small boat. This was a lousy test. No one was coming to save her, and even if they did, she'd still have to cross the damned river. Waiting for other people to come to her rescue was not all that it was cracked up to be, and frankly with the mood she was in, she might as well just do things herself. "Quit it!" she yelled into the water, slamming the heavy oar down and causing an almighty splash which got her dress wet. "Oh this dress will be  _ruined_ by the end of this adventure," she whined.

Once the water settled and she'd shaken off all the water she could from her hair, face and clothing, she suddenly noticed that the fish weren't bumping her boat any more. She peered cautiously into the river and noticed that one of the Iridescent Shark was now floating, belly up. "Oh dear," she said, frowning.

* * *

Darien raced around the corner, knowing that any minute now he would see the river and his beloved, but the thought did not making the seconds tick by any faster. By some miracle he'd managed to find all of his other friends along the way, completely unharmed, but his mind was on rescuing Serena at the moment, so he had no time to ask them what happened. Suddenly he saw smoke and his heart skipped right into his throat. "SERENA! MY LOVE!" he yelled out into the forest, praying that she was alright.

"Darien!" she called, and then ran out of the forest into the middle road. Darien pulled hard on the reigns in order not to run her over and everyone jumped out to hug her (most especially Darien, who kissed her, obviously, and rather passionately too).

"Come!" she said, smiling brightly, leading her friends to the fire which she'd lit by the side. The others noticed that upon it Serena was roasting several large fish. "I took a row boat across the river and these really annoying fish kept hitting my boat, so I hit them back with the oar! Come eat! I've made enough for us all, and if you want more, I still have the oar!" she said picking up the blunt weapon and waving it around. "They're really very tasty!"

Jay, Makoto and Norman blinked. The three 'i's were obviously there to have tested them (perhaps not in the way they'd imagined, but they'd been tested nonetheless). None of them were really sure if Serena passed or failed hers... surely the Iridescent Shark hadn't intended on being eaten...

"Oh well," said Jay, shrugging and accepting things as they were (it was too late to go back now, anyway). "It'll make up for the beef we lost." And with that, they gathered up all the fish that was already cooked and placed it in the food basket, ready to take and eat in the carriage (they couldn't really stop, they were racing to their ship, after all. Don't forget that they had to get there before Diamond and Beryl cut them off! So they ate as they drove).


	16. *GASP* Ambushed!

"Finally!" announced Darien, as they sped out through the thick branches of tightly packed trees. "We're out of the forest!"

Norman patted him on the back. "The cove where our good ship  _Elysium_  is moored is only a quarter of an hour away!" He smiled brightly. "We are almost there."

"Be wary though, my giant friend," Darien said, curbing Norman's enthusiasm, "it is most likely that Beryl and Diamond have already reached the ship."

He nodded gravely in acknowledgement of his Captain's point. "Then what will our plan of action be?"

Darien was at his most serious when he spoke. "We will have only two choices. To fight them and retake our ship, or to flee south into Queen Jennifer's Country."

"Hmm," said Norman, thinking deep and then looking up into the increasingly dark sky. "Queen Jennifer's Country is too far south for us not to have to stop and rest at several points, Diamond will have faster transportation. In truth we have only only one option, and even that one seems unlikely to succeed - he has a sorceress and a vast amount of soldiers with him."

Darien knew the truth of his friend's words. "Nevertheless," he said, "we must try."

When they arrived at the cove, it was almost nightfall. "Are we there yet?" asked Serena, hopping out.

"Hush, my dearest!" Darien whispered fiercely.

"There is too much silence," whispered Jay into Serena's ear. "This is suspicious." He looked to Norman. "Do you see anyone standing on watch on board the ship?"

"No..." whispered Norm the Giant in return.

"Should we run?" asked Makoto in a low voice.

"No, we cannot abandon the crew to-" but before Darien could finish his sentence, there was an almighty clamour and Beryl, Diamond and a whole host of soldiers climbed off the pirate ship and surrounded them!

"Oh no!" cried Serena.

"HAHAHA!" cackled Beryl.

Darien and Jay drew their swords and Norman put up his mighty fists while Makoto pushed Serena behind her, to hide and protect her.

Diamond climbed onto his horse after disembarking off the ship, and trotted it towards our heroes with an arrogant posture. "So... you thought you could kidnap my woman, did you?"

"I am  _not_  your woman!" cried Serena in a rage, gently pushing Makoto away so that she could face Diamond openly. "I am my OWN person!" she yelled in an unusual bout of independence (her test with the catfish had made her a much more self-reliant person).

For a moment the whole forest went silent at her announcement, with everyone having been taken aback at her forcefulness.

"What?" she demanded, "I'm not  _completely_ helpless, you know!" Emboldened by the shock of the others, she carried on, determined to show the strength of her belief. "The day will come when men will recognise woman as his peer! Not only at the fireside, but in the councils of all of our great kingdoms: here, in our great land! In Queen Jennifer's Country! In Lyttonia! In Mexico, Spain, France and Italy! (She didn't really know any other countries so she stopped there.) Only then will there be perfect comradeship, as between my beloved Darien and I! When more unions emulate our own, _then and only then_  will humans be able to reach their highest state of development!" (Yes I realise that this is paraphrasing Susand B Anthony a little, but if you think about it, Serena was born way before that particular civil rights activist, so who was copying who, eh?)

Makoto was very proud and clutched her closer. "Well said, my dear, but perhaps now is not the time to advocate equal rights for women."

The men simply stared at her like she'd suddenly grown a second head.

"Where on earth did that come from?" Darien asked, with a little bit of wonder in his voice.

Serena shrugged. "When I thought you were dead, I had to do a lot of research to find out what happened. I read some stuff." (Although how she got from investigating the murder of her beloved to reading about the inequality of women is a mystery to all, though a welcome one).

"Insolence!" screeched out Beryl (Beryl was not a really a feminist in any respect, so she didn't really get it. Also, she was an idiot). "Attack them!"

The Spanish Tornado, Norm the Giant and the Man in Black did their very best to fight off the men and oh, did they fight their very hardest: there was stabbing! Swishing! Thumping! Cracking! Throwing! Dodging! Dashing! Ducking! Punching! Swinging! Flipping! Turning! Tossing! Whirling! They were making progress, but Beryl called the final shot.

"ENOUGH!" she yelled. "While you all were distracted, I placed a magical spell on your crew! If you do not stop your fighting at once they will all _die_!" she flailed her arms about for effect. "And you will too!" she said as an afterthought.

The fight ceased immediately (neither Darien, Norman nor Jay truly believed she had magical powers, but they couldn't take the risk).

"That was rather clever of you Beryl, I didn't see you casting any spells..." remarked Diamond, almost blowing the ruse (in actual fact, the crew on board the ship Elysium had all had their grog drugged heavily by Beryl's sleeping potion, and would not wake up for another day).

Beryl panicked for a second. "I couldn't show you, Your Graceful Eminance. If I had the Universe would have exploded and we would have all perished," she said, recovering nicely.

"Of course," said Diamond, hating how the Universe felt the need to constantly hide things from him, he was Crown Prince after all, he should have had a higher security level than the 'Need to Know' basis he was currently stuck on. "Kill them all and bring me the Princess."

"Wait!" cried out Serena, terrified at the prospect of losing her friends and her wonderful, capable, stormy, dark eyed Darien. "Diamond, I know what your plan is!"

"Serena! No!" Darien said, horrified, knowing what she was going to do.

She ignored him. "I know what you _really_  intend to do with me."

Diamond shifted uncomfortably on his horse and faked a laugh. "I have no idea what on earth you're talking about!"

"Oh, I think you most certainly do!" she said, frowning and angry. "But I will come willingly with you and won't fight your plans." She wavered at the thought of sentencing herself to death, but then she looked at Makoto, Norm, Jay and most of all Darien and she steeled herself. "I'll even help you along. Just spare their lives."

"No! Princess!You don't know what you're doing!" yelled Makoto, horrified at the prospect.

"Oh, but I do, my dear friend," Serena said, sadly. "If I can save you, I don't have a choice, do I?"

"Serena, no!" Darien cried, doing his best to fight off the guards holding him.

Diamond considered it for a moment, and then nodded. "Alright, fine," he said, and then leaned in and whispered to Beryl. "I'll take the Princess back to the palace, when we've left, kill them all, anyway."

"I knew it, the Universe told me so." Beryl said, hoping she wasn't showing too much glee at the prospect.

"I'll be alright," Serena smiled as best as she could to her friends. "As long as you're safe, I will be fine."

Norman was shaking his head, Jay's eyes ran with tears and Makoto was openly weeping.

"I could not go through losing you again, my dearest love," Serena said turning to Darien. His eyes were the most stormy and dark she had ever seen them and his face was as immovable as stone.

"You will not lose me again, just as I will not lose you." He whispered out the last part, so no one really heard it.

"Come along, let's go." Diamond grabbed Serena around the waist impatiently and pulled her roughly onto his horse. She squeaked in surprise but he didn't really seem to care, nor did he bother to try and make her more comfortable (she didn't really expect him to, Serena always knew how selfish a being Diamond was).

And like that, with only a longing look at the man she _literally_  loved more than life itself, Serena was taken away.

When Diamond and his men were out of sight, Beryl advanced with the guards, her smile practically feral as she watched the three men and lady-in-waiting struggle against their captors. "Mwahahaha, look at you," she said (and yes, she actually does say 'mwahahaha'), looking in particular at the muscular, attractive, stormy, dark form of the Man in Black (I don't know if you remember, but Beryl was attracted to men of power and Darien certainly gave off that vibe, plus he was a pirate dressed in black and that's kind of hot... remember Westley in the Princess Bride?) Beryl stared at him with her amber (but really hazel) eyes, undressing him and being just a little too pervy for most people's tastes. "Oh yes. Look. At. You." She twirled the ends of her bright red hair and pouted her lips just a little bit as she nudged her horse closer, laughing naughtily with her mouth closed (I think she was trying to be sexy, but it was just grossing people out). "Oh, it'd be such a pity to kill you..." she drawled, licking her lips and tossing her hair in the exaggerated manner often seen in crack-comedies, "but kill you I must."

Darien saw his chance. "Wait, Beryl! I have..." (and here he gave her his most dashing smirk and seductive eyes, lowering his voice just a little) "...a proposition. Interested?"

Beryl was powerless to resist (I don't think many people could, to be honest. I mean, we've already established that Darien is not only handsome (and capable!) but he also possesses that rarely found  _je ne say quoi_  element which makes him irresistible, although we haven't actually seen it in full action. Serena was already in love with him, he didn't actually  _need_  to turn his charm up to eleven, to 'unleash the beast', as it were. Now that he had, not only was Makoto of Acapulco blushing, even some of the _soldiers_  were melting like putty inside). "I'm listening," she whispered out breathlessly, practically falling off of her horse as she leaned closer.

"Good." Darien smiled again. "Let me be your lover, Beryl." (Beryl's tiny, withered heart began pounding in her rib cage, her loins heated up faster than my insta-heat, max strength _GHD_  hair straighteners, and she started salivating like a Saint Bernard).

She opened her mouth to whimper out some kind of response but Darien shushed her, pinching her lips closed with his hands. "Hush, my jewel," he whispered (I think Barry White's ["I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little Bit More Baby"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcBPPD1fuZY) might be appropriate at this time). "But if you want me...to be your lover..."

"Oh, I most certainly do!" Her words came out a little muffled because Darien was still pinching her lips closed, so it sounded more like this: "Mm my mst cmertnmny noo."

(Norman and Jay were feeling a little bit ill at the display, and Makoto would have too, were she not equally enthralled by Darien's superior seduction skills).

"Then, be a sweetheart, and let my friends and crew go." His fingers moved from her lips down to grasp her chin.

Credit to Beryl, she did try to fight it a little bit. "But..."

"We can do whatever  _you_  want us to..."

"Guards release them!" she yelled out immediately, and then scooted over on her horse's saddle and patted the tiny amount of space in front of her. "Hop on then, you hunky piece of man-flesh."

With only a cursory glance to make sure that his friends were actually being released, Darien leaped onto Beryl's horse and resisted the urge to turn a rather green colour as her arms encircled his waist and she pressed herself against his back. "Oooooh, somebody's been working out!" she singsonged and then cackled with glee, rubbing up his abdominal muscles (at this Darien  _did_  turn green, and then gave a desperate look at the trio being left behind, mouthing in no uncertain terms 'COME RESCUE ME AS SOON AS YOU CAN!')

Norm, Jay and Makoto looked on, befuddled (and more than a little sorry for the horrors Darien was going to be forced to endure until all of Diamond's soldiers left and they could come up with a plan to save him). By the time the evil party of soldiers and Beryl had gotten out ear shot, they could easily see that Darien's cheeks were covered in Beryl's rather gaudy lipstick. Norm the Giant shuddered.

" _Amigos_ , we must think of something to do! Darien will not hold out long with the witch."

"And Serena's wedding is to be in three days!" Makoto said, now worried all over again. "We must do something quickly!"

"Our plan must be simple, and executed with all expediency," noted Norman. "What we need to do is obvious, we must rescue Darien first and eliminate Beryl before we try and save the Princess."

"It is more difficult that it seems, Beryl will not be taking Darien to the palace," said Makoto, shaking her head, "despite Serena's bargain, Diamond would not have wanted us to be left alive. By keeping Darien and letting us live, Beryl has defied the King Regent's direct wishes."

Jay nodded in understanding. "She will take Darien to a secret location so that Diamond does not find out that she has not followed his orders."

"Indeed."

"How will we find such a place?" asked Norman. "Shall we follow them?"

"The carriage is not discreet," said Jay, shaking his head, "they will know we are watching."

"What if we follow them on foot, then?"

Jay also shook his head at Makoto's suggestion. "We will not be able to keep up with their pace, and our tracking skills are mediocre at best."

Norman climbed onto the carriage. "Then we have no other choice. The answer is clear."

The other two climbed into the carriage and they were off. (They seem to be doing that a lot, 'going off' somewhere I mean, they always seem to be in such a hurry... rush, rush, rush... would it ruin everything if they were just to chill out for a little bit? … Actually, thinking about it, and the whole plot of the story etc, it probably would ruin everything. Oh well, I suppose they can chillax at the end).


	17. Domestic Dispute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to let you know, when I was originally putting up this story, this particular chapter came out on Christmas day, hence the references to all the Christmas stuff. 
> 
> I hope you're enjoying so far, we're fast approaching the end now!
> 
> Onwards, forwards, upwards, tally ho!

Jay Montoya rushed to the door of the impressive wooden house in the middle of the forest and banged as hard as he could. "Please! Miracle Malachite!  _Zacharoni el Bachelor_! We need your aid,  _pronto_!"

Norm the Giant stood just a little bit behind him, being clutched worriedly by Makoto.

"Miracle Malachite! Zacharoni!" He stood back, passing his hand through his golden hair in a fit of worry caused by their desperate need for help. He cried out in typical Hispanic fashion, spewing out a steady stream of phrases at speeds unable to be understood by ordinary humans.  _"Santo barbacoa! Mi perro no tiene nariz! Quiero un Conejito de chocolate suizo! Norman es alérgico a los pepinos de mar! El Cisne Negro no merece de tantos premios de la Academia!_ " (Translated he says something like: "Oh dear Lord! You must hurry or an innocent lady will die! A good man in is mortal danger! You must help us quickly!" … or at least that's what my translation guy tells me it says... if the grammar is a little off, please bear in mind that I'm not sure whether this guy was sober... or Hispanic. I think he may have been from Turkmenistan, but it's the best I could find on short notice).

[*EDIT* Apparently I have been told that what I think Jay said, he doesn't actually say! I want my money back!]

The door was pulled open roughly by Miracle Malachite. He was wearing the same grey robe and gold-framed wire spectacles as when they last saw him, but instead of the bunny slippers he wore reindeer ones, and a Santa hat.

"What?" he griped as Jay's eyes darted to his feet and then to the top of his silver hair. "They were gifts from my wife."

Jay snapped out of it immediately and asked to be let in. Malachite did so with some reluctance, (and only when Mad Mina came to the door and insisted they enter).

Mina offered seats to the three of them and hot beverages (Norman had a coffee, Jay had tea and Makoto gave in and had a hot chocolate, even though she was supposed to be on a diet - not that she needed to be). Zachaoni the Bachelor limped in to join them, supported heavily by Altruistic Ami (he was already feeling much better and the wound had healed nicely, but he was still in some pain). He had a fruity herbal tea (since certain fruits, roots and herbs boost people's immune systems and have medicinal properties), anyway, if you're curious Zacharoni had a cranberry tea with extracts of ginger and Vicodin (in my story Vicodin is a plant). Ami and Mina had just  _had_  tea, so they chose not to drink anything. Malachite was not in the right mood to want a beverage.

Jay, Norman and Makoto explained the situation while Mad Mina fixed the Santa hat which seemed to sit lop-sided on her husband's head.

"So you see, we could neither follow them on carriage nor foot. The only thing we could do," said Norm the Giant (whose coffee mug was more akin to a soup mug in order to accommodate his size), "was come to you, Zacharoni."

"You are the greatest tracker in the history of the world," said Jay, "we need your help to find where Beryl has hidden herself and Darien."

Zacharoni nodded gravely, "Of course I will aid you in your endeavours. I will do anything I can." Even if he hadn't wanted to help them, decorum would have dictated he did since Darien had saved his life.

"But you are not well!" Altruistic Ami said, worry clouding her pretty features as she gripped Zacharoni's side to steady him on his seat.

Zacharoni turned to her, his sparkling emerald eyes meeting her sapphire blue ones and he smiled lovingly, clutching her hand and placing it against his heart. "Nevertheless, I cannot leave them to such horrible fates. You must understand."

With reluctance, Ami nodded her head (which jingled because she was wearing an elf hat with a bell on it - at Mad Mina's insistence).

"I agree with Ami!" Malachite sounded quite harsh. "I will not allow Zachanori to leave here. He is unwell. He has already been in mortal danger once this week, I will not let you place him there again so soon. No," he stated obstinately.

"But,  _mon amour_ -" tried Mina, understanding her husband's concern for his dear friend, but knowing that he did not have a right to dictate Zacharoni's actions.

"No!" The room was filled with Malachite's stubborn vibe. It permeated the air like a thick wall of cotton.

"Malachite, my friend, you cannot stop me from leaving," Zacharoni said, standing and smiling at his friend's concern for his welfare. "I am more than grateful for all you have done, but it cannot be helped. I must go."

Malachite rolled his eyes, snapped his fingers and Zacharoni magically passed out. Altruistic Ami caught him just in time and laid him back carefully on the chair, giving her mentor a disapproving glare as she took care of her now sleeping patient.

"Was zat  _vraiment nécessaire_?" Mad Mina asked, crossing her arms.

"Entirely. This is foolish. Zacharoni will be no help to these people, only a hindrance. He'll most likely be killed for his efforts."

"But surely,  _mon amour_ " said Mad Mina, rather pointedly (Jay, Norman and Makoto were smart enough to recognise that there was a little domestic dispute brewing and kept themselves very quiet and still because  _everyone_  knew, you did not get involved when a magical couple got into a domestic dispute) "eet eez not your  _choix_  whezeur ee goze or not. It eez for eem to decide,  _non_?"

"Exactly," Malachite stated, looking over his gold wired spectacles. "Non!"

Zacharoni the Bachelor was starting to come around. "Ami... help me to their...carriage," he mumbled out before fainting again.

"Alright," she said, and began to try and lift his dead weight, jingling with every movement she made. Norman got up and helped. Jay opened the door.

"Perhaps we'll be going now," said Makoto. "Thank you for the hot beverages." She bowed and made for the door.

"No! I am being serious!" Malachite snapped his fingers and the door, which Jay had opened, slammed itself shut.

"So am I! You listened to what Zacharoni said!" Mad Mina also snapped her fingers, making a louder click as she did (which meant that her spell was a more powerful one than the one Malachite had used to close the door) and the door swung open again. "Ee wants to go 'elp zem!"

Norman, Jay and Makoto stood paralysed, unsure of what to do.

Malachite's face was becoming more closed off of expression. No one in the room seemed to take this as a good sign. All except Mad Mina became rather nervous.

"Zacharoni stays here." Miracle Malachite said in a tone too calm to actually be, well, calm. He clapped his hands (making his spell more powerful than her snapping-fingers one) and the door slammed shut, the sound causing Makoto to jump.

"Zacharoni wishes to depart." Now Mina's voice took on that deathly calm tone and everyone in the house became even more nervous. She also clapped, and this time the door swung open with some force, smacking itself into the wall behind.

Anger began to peek its way onto Malachite's features. "Stop trying to defy me, woman!" He clapped twice and the door closed so hard the walls shook and his Santa hat slipped to the left a little.

"Zen stop trying to defy  _me_ , you stubborrrn man!" Mina yelled, equally furious. The door slammed open and the knob took a chunk out of the wall.

"Oh dear..." mumbled Makoto.

Norman simply stood unmoving as he held Zachanori in his arms, daring neither to take a step forward, nor back.

"HE STAYS!" (the door slammed shut).

"EE GOZE!" (the door swung open).

"THIS IS MY HOUSE!" (the door slammed shut. Again). "WHAT I SAY GOES!"

"ZEES EEZ ALSO  _MY_  'OUSE!" (the door swung open. Also again). "WHAT I SAY ALSO GOZE!"

"THAT IS NOT THE POINT!" (the door slammed shut and a hinge fell off).

Now the spells had gotten so powerful, they had to actually look at the door and concentrate. "OPEN!" Mina yelled, her hand outstretched and aiming and the somewhat structurally weakened door.

"CLOSE!" Malachite yelled, imitating his wife's actions and keeping his fierce, steel gaze on the door.

_"OUVREZ-VOUS_ _MAINTENANT, MONSIEUR LA PORTE!_ " (the glass panel in the door shattered as it ripped itself open again)

"I CAN SPEAK FRENCH TOO!" yelled Malachite, lifting both hands and aiming for the door. " _FERMEZ-VOUS, MONSIER LA PORTE!_ "

The others braced themselves for the inevitable slam, but something unexpected happened. The door did not close, instead it wavered, half open, as if it were being pushed on both sides. They all turned to Mina who was sweating now with the effort of countering her husband's spell (you see, Mina's magic is obviously more powerful in her native tongue, just like Malachite's is more powerful than hers in English, so when Miracle Malachite used a French spell, Mina jumped at the chance to take control).

"Darling, you're perspiring..." Malachite suddenly wondered if things had been taken a little too far.

His wife ignored him.

_"Ecoutez-moi bien, monsieur la porte,_ " Mad Mina's eyes suddenly narrowed to slits and her voice became very serious as she placed all of her efforts in staring at the door. The room temperature heated up rather quickly, and the atmosphere became rather ominous. Norman, who had had some experience with the magical world, took this as a very bad sign. Things were about to get serious.

The door, along with everyone else in the room, began to quiver under Mina's power. If her stare could cause a fire (actually, if she wanted to, her stare probably could... but that's neither here nor there) then the door would be kindling at that moment. "If you cloze..." (she took in a deep breath, fighting very hard against her beloved's magic and staring at the door with even more intensity, if that was even possible from someone with such pretty blue eyes) "If you cloze one more time I swear by all zat eez holly-"

"I think you mean 'holy', not 'holly'." Her husband received a rather fierce glare for his correction.

"ONE MORRRRE TIME," she repeated, now staring at Malachite instead of the poor, victimised door, "I will turn you into ze firewoods!"

Malachite swallowed. "That's rather harsh, don't you think? The door didn't do anything wrong."

Mina's face was unchanged, a set look of determination and solid immovable force of will. "Do I  _look_  like I am talking to ze door?"

Malachite may have been a prodigy, one of the greatest sorcerers of all time, but Mad Mina was also incredibly powerful, and some argue more so than him because, you see, Mina had a trump card. Mina had a special talent, one most wives have, actually. She had  _the look_.  _The look_ spoke of nights being slept on the cold and uncomfortable couch downstairs, of no dinners, or having tea being made for you or snuggle times. Only withering glares, snide comments and her making you feel like an absolute heel for whatever reason brought on  _the look_ in the first place.

Very few men in the history of the world have not instantly cowered at  _the look_  (and those that have were never really whole afterwards, either), and right at that moment, Malachite, great sorcerer, man of miracles, prodigy, was at the receiving end of _the look_. He had pride, but the man knew when he was beaten, and he especially knew when he was treading on the fine line between giving in and making up relatively quickly, and sticking to his guns and ending up in the doghouse for at least a week. He blasted the door open and it flew outside, landing by the carriage and scaring the poor horses a little. "Alright, perhaps I overreacted," he admitted, "maybe Zacharoni should go."

" _Oui_." Mad Mina crossed her arms but the glare lessened. Malachite breathed easier at that, he was in the clear. He even felt relaxed enough to straighten his Santa hat.

Things moved pretty quickly after that so I'll fill you in briefly:

Zacharoni (who had passed out again since it was a pretty strong sleeping spell which had been placed on him) was put into the carriage while the others were given a quick meal and some more hot beverages to revitalise them. Mad Mina and Miracle Malachite seemed to forget their spat rather quickly and did all they could to help their guests, with Malachite cheering up significantly. (Mina explained privately to the three guests that her husband was not usually so miserable or cantankerous, the banishment and revocation of his miracle licence had hit him quite hard, and seeing his dear friend so close to death had worried him to the core. Her argument with him had been necessary to snap him out of his depressive cycle, she was just very sorry that they had to be there and suffer it as well. On the positive side, however, it meant that he was being very helpful now... She was a very clever woman that Mad Mina. Clever woman indeed).

So after a quick meal, Jay Montoya, Norm the Giant, Makoto of Acapulco, an unconscious Zacharoni the Bachelor and Altruistic Ami (she insisted on coming along so that she could offer her help as a healer, although everyone knew she was really only going to be by Zacharoni's side - something which lessened Malachite's fears a lot since he knew how well Ami would take care of him) all hopped into the carriage and then sped off to the last spot where they had seen Beryl and Darien.

Miracle Malachite and Mad Mina stood outside and waved goodbye to the group.

"Good luck!" Malachite said smiling as he hugged his wife around her waist.

"Yes,  _bonnes chances mes amis_!" Mina called out, waving enthusiastically, her head jingling with the elf hat that had previously been worn by Altruistic Ami (well Ami couldn't exactly take it with her, especially with all the sneaking around they'll have to do!)

Once the carriage was out of sight, Malachite looked down at his lovely wife. "Mina, start packing."

She looked up, a small frown of confusion on her pretty French features. "But why?"

"Most likely they're going to fail. And when that happens, Diamond is going to come after us for aiding and abetting."

Mina twisted her lovely lips in thought. "You make a good point,  _mon amour_. I'll start with ze crockery, you get ze books."


	18. En Garde!

Right, as much of this story has already happened on the road, I think we can skip the entire journey to Beryl's secret lair (plus Zacharoni the Bachelor has already had the spotlight and showcased his amazing talent at tracking, so we don't need to see it again, really. We need to move on, I've already blown the word limit out of the water, and you don't want be to be any later than I already am with this, do you? Because that would be disastrous).

Suffice to say that, with Altruistic Ami's potions/medications/general nursing care, Zacharoni was able to stay conscious long enough to do some of the greatest tracking ever done by man. He somehow managed to locate Beryl's lair deep in the rocky terrain area, close to the border of Queen Jennifer's Country, using only the scent of the air and a beetle... don't ask how, it would take too long to explain. It is there that we'll pick it up from:

Hidden deep in the rocky terrain area was a large house. Since Zacharoni was too weak to fight he stayed in the carriage, ready to act as the getaway driver. Ami stood outside the building as the lookout guy (or lookout lady, rather). The plan was simple. Jay and Norman would go in first and eliminate all of Beryl's guards; Makoto would hold the rear (since she was a lady-in-waiting she had taken some rudimentary self-defence classes in order to protect the Princess and - I don't know if you remember but I had mentioned way back that Diamond deliberately insured that Serena had no body guards (this was to make it easier for Diamond to kill her on their wedding night) and that Makoto had been less than happy about this fact. Well, it doesn't matter if you don't remember, the point is, Makoto took it upon herself to also take some attack-based lessons as well, such as a little sword fighting. So Jay gave Makoto his spare sword and she held up the rear).

Every one was ready and it was just becoming dark enough to offer them some decent cover. If there were reinforcements from outside, Ami was to give the signal and the others would pull out (the signal was this: 'CAWCAW! CAWCAW! TWEET! TWEETY TWEET! CAWCAW! MOOOOO!' and specifically in that order). The trio moved in.

Now I won't bore you with the details of the fight to get through to the main room where Beryl was holding Darien because, faced with the mighty sword of Jay and the incomparable hand-to-hand combat skills of Norman, plus Makoto knocking out anyone who tried to sneak up on them from the rear, they got to Beryl's main chamber rather quickly and without much fuss. Unfortunately Darien himself was no help, since Beryl seemed to have dosed him with some sort of drowsing agent and when our three heroes stormed into the room, instead of jumping up and joining his friends, he simply smiled at them with a rather lop-sided grin and then fell asleep in a bed of overly large cushions.

"Oh my," commented Makoto when they entered the chamber, "the decor in this room is awfully tacky." And indeed it was. I think Beryl had tried to get a bit of an Arabian Harem thing going. The room was filled with bright colours and overcrowded with patterns. Cushions were scattered all over the place, ranging from tiny palm sized ones to humongous ones big enough to sleep on. There was golden furniture everywhere and the room stank with what could have been sweet-scented incense but was instead an overpowering smell of musk and cheap coconut (I love coconut, but cheap coconut scents give me such a headache...)

Beryl, being the coward that she was (dressed in sheer purple pants and a heavily embroidered bikini top) shrieked at the top of her lungs, leaping up from where she was laying (which was practically on top of Darien) and locked herself into her panic room (yes, they had panic rooms in those days).

Thinking that this was much easier than they had thought it would be (and therefore feeling very pleased with themselves), Norman scooped up Darien and our heroes made to leave. But when they turned around to exit the room, there was someone blocking their path.

"You will place that man back onto the cushions and then you will drop your weapons and surrender," spoke a serious and careful voice.

The trio stood, unmoving, unsure of this new person who stood just beyond the light, bathed in the dark shadow of the oncoming night.

"Let us pass, mysterious stranger," said Jay, "we have no quarrel with you."

The stranger stepped into the room and the light from the hundreds of scented candles illuminated her beautiful features. All three of our heroes gasped in surprise at the woman's exquisite and exotic beauty.

"You have broken into my mistress' secret home, frightened her enough to have her lock herself in her panic room and you're kidnapping her guest. The first act alone is enough for me to have quarrel with you." She was dressed in what seemed like a wide robe (what we know as a miko outfit... yes, I think you've guessed who it is... I am _so_ excited right now, I've been waiting for _ages_ for her to make her appearance!) with red bottoms and a white top. At her side was a highly decorated katana sheath and her delicate hand was placed on its hilt. "Please, I have no wish to fight," her voice was soft but weighted with authority and she spoke with a beautiful lilt, indicating that she was a foreigner to this land. "Surrender your weapons and drop your prisoner."

"We are rescuing him, miss," said Norman, "Beryl is the one who kidnapped him. It is us who have been wronged."

The mysterious dark haired lady shifted her violet eyes to the giant and she seemed to mull on his words. "It is as I believed, then. Still, Beryl the Sorceress is my mistress, she saved the life of my grandfather and I owe her a life-debt. For this reason, you must do as I have asked, or I will unleash the power of my sword and force you to yield." (I just wanted to make something clear, I don't want you to go off and suddenly gain some sympathy for Beryl just because she went and cured some girl's nice grandfather. That's not how it happened, oh no. In actual fact, way back when Miracle Malachite was being kicked out of the castle in order to be replaced by Beryl the whole event had been a rather heated affair: a lot of shouting, yelling, maybe some cursing (both literally and figuratively). Basically Malachite went rather speedily from being Royal Head Sorcerer of His Royal Highness the Royal King to Unlicensed-Sorcerer-Who-Lives-In-The-Woods, and as a result a lot of his stuff got left behind, including a few good healing potions. So when the poor sickly grandfather came to Beryl for help, she simply used one of Miracle Malachite's leftovers, and Beryl got a free servant/bodyguard out of it. Pretty good deal for Beryl, eh?) Anyway, back to the story:

Makoto took a step forward to try and reason with this mysterious dark beauty, woman to woman, but Jay flicked his hand out, stopping Makoto from uttering a single word. They all turned to look at him, curious and a little frightened at his firm and dramatic action. Even the slightly dazed Darien noticed that his friend's golden features and blue eyes had never been more serious or determined. "Your golden features and blue eyes gave never been more serious or determined," he said.

Jay nodded his head, confirming that Darien was correct. "I am indeed being very serious and determined. I can see that this señorita is a disciple of the art of the sword." He turned his gaze to Makoto and she was taken aback at seeing his strength of will. "She will not bow down, Makoto of Acapulco, you cannot reason with her. Either we acquiesce or she will make us, there are no other options but to fight," he stated, stepping forward himself (if you'd like, I think this would be an appropriate time to listen to Santa Esmerelda's "[Misunderstood](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hwiCkU73NA)" from "Kill Bill", just to build on the electric tension these two sword fighters were creating). "Señorita, we  _will not_  surrender our friend."

The mysterious dark haired beauty's eyes shone hard with violet determination, but all other aspects of her being remained calm. "It seems," she said, in her wonderfully whisper-y voice (see? she has a whisper-y voice, and Jay has a whisper-y voice and they can be all whisper-y together! They're a match made in Heaven!), "that we are at an impasse then, for I will not let you leave with your friend, and you wish to steal him away."

"Then there is only one road for us to travel," he stood up ramrod straight, clicking his leather heeled boots together, "My name," he said, "is Jay Montoya, son of Inigo Montoya and inheritor of the finest fencing sword ever created in the history of the world! I am known throughout the five seas as  _El Tornado Español_." He unsheathed his sword in a single, eye-blinking movement and placed the hilt in front of his face, the blade pointing perfectly straight up to the heavens. He then bowed slightly.

The young beauty with hair the colour of midnight flicked her katana out with her thumb, making a quiet " _snicket_ " sound, and then pulled out its curved blade fully, slashing it across with both hands, the candle light reflecting in its shining steel surface and temporarily blinding Makoto and Norman. She kept the blade held in both hands in front of her face. "I..." she said, "am called Hino Rei, Warrior Samurai Lady of the far off country of Ancient Japan (ok, technically female samurai were known as Onna Bugeisha, but I prefer Warrior Samurai Lady, it sounds more impressive). This is my blade, it is known in your tongue as Mars. It is said to have been formed in the deepest fires of Mount Fuji and it has never tasted the sting of defeat!"

"Then," said Jay, "let us see what it can do." There was a dramatic pause, no one moved. No one breathed. A pin could drop and the sound would pierce the air like a vuvuzela.

Makoto took in a hushed breath.

"Let us begin."

What ensued was the greatest sword fight man has ever known!

They fought with such speed it was as if they flew! They were not man and woman but blurs and flashes, ringing steel and cries of battle! Oh! Never had there been two warriors so equal in skill and temperament! Never had swords sung so beautifully as the katana known as Mars and the fencing blade of the Spanish Tornado!

They fought with both passion and level headedness, with coldness and heat, with give and take! Their eyes missed nothing, every strike was met with a parry, every hit defended! The couple performed a sublime dance of death, each in tune perfectly with the other!

Such was their valour, their skill, their exuberance, that neither of them felt the passing of time! They fought for hours, from evening till night, and from the waxing of the moon to its wane! They blazed their way in that room well past the sun's zenith of the next day! (I know I'm losing momentum by doing this, but because they were fighting for so long, I have to mention that Zacharoni the Bachelor and Altruistic Ami came in to watch, otherwise they would have been standing outside all night and all the next day like idiots. Even the drugging potion on Darien had worn well off and he was observing the fight with keen eyes. Now, back to the battle!)

They were opposites and yet the same! He was the golden day! Sunshine hair! Flashing, bright sky eyes! She was the night! Pale eyes of moonlight and inky locks of darkness! Oh, how they fought! With such endeavour! With such heart! With such soul! Neither of them could afford to fail! Everything they believed in, strived for, loved, was at stake!

The ring of steel, the clash of metal, the cries of victory at the tiniest of hits! Those were the only sounds of that great battle!

But lo! (Yes, I am quite proud that I managed to use the word 'lo' in something... actually, what does 'lo' even mean? Does it have a meaning? Hmm... maybe I should look it up...) Anyway, as I was saying: But lo! This fight could not end in a truce, this battle could not tie! There had to be a winner, and someone had to lose!

It was only good fortune on Jay Montoya's side that proclaimed him the victor and it was that dastardly Beryl who was the cause of Rei the Samurai Warrior Lady's downfall! For you see, after being trapped in her panic room all night and well into the afternoon of the next day, Beryl poked her head out and asked, "Rei? Are those horrible peop- AAAARRRRRGH THEY'RE STILL HERE! INCONCEIVABLE!" she screamed before slamming the door and locking herself back into her panic room.

At hearing her mistress' screech, Rei turned her head, dropping her guard, ready to run to Beryl's aid if needed (and by Rei 'dropping her guard' I mean it was for less than a second, less than a millisecond, even! But it was enough for Jay to take the advantage). Jay quickly disarmed Rei and held both his sword and her great katana to her neck. "Do you yield?" he demanded, taking in deep breaths of air, exhausted now that the adrenaline rush had finally dissipated and the battle was over. She was panting equally hard, the exertion of the fight and the shame of her loss taking its toll, and she collapsed on her knees onto the floor. Sweat dripped from both of their temples, their bodies ached, every muscle throbbing, every joint searing with acute pain, every bone weary.

Rei bowed her beautiful head, unwilling to show the beautiful tear rolling from her beautiful eye and down her beautiful cheek. "I have failed. I am no longer worthy of life!" Looking up to the ceiling she cried out, "I am sorry grandfather! I have shamed our family!" and here the silent tears began to flow. "I am ready to face my death! I ask for only one small favour," and here she looked at Jay, "yet I ask for very much indeed."

"State it," he commanded.

Rei wiped her tears away quickly, knowing how shameful it was for a warrior to show such weakness after defeat. "I beg your mercy sir," she pleaded, "that once you kill me, you allow my shameful body the dignity of the traditional burial of my homeland, in the Shinto religion of the far off country of Ancient Japan!"

Makoto gasped and Altruistic Ami hugged her, both women (and the men too) terrified of what Jay would do next.

The Spanish Tornado, still holding both swords at Rei's throat, stared hard, as if entranced by the lady before him. Without a second's thought he tossed the weapons to the floor and knelt down in front of her, gripping her arms and forcing her light gaze to meet his. "Never in a thousand years would I snuff out the existence of such magnificence, of such perfection! You are my equal in all ways! The truest of kindred spirits, the second half of my soul! You fight with a fire and passion that I have never seen before! With courageous bravery and heartfelt zeal!" (I've left out the Spanishiness of his accent in order to properly convey the depths of his emotion).

His golden face showed such earnestness, such lively devotion that Rei momentarily forgot her shame and stared at him in wonder.

"You cannot see the outcome of this battle as a failure! Your distraction was of a virtuous reason, the concern for the one you pledged you life to! Your defeat was one of misfortune, caused by a deceitful and disdainful mistress, not through any weakness of your own!"

"Oh..." she said breathlessly (well, actually all three women said it breathlessly, Rei was overcome with joy, while Makoto and Ami just got caught up in the romance, I guess).

"When I first beheld you, señorita Rei, I believed you beautiful. When you drew your sword, I admired your courage! But when we crossed blades...ah! When you flashed your sabre with such skill and precision, I fell most deeply in love! I have never felt a love such as this before, and I promise, señorita Rei, whether you reciprocate my feelings or not, that I will never love another in this manner again. You are wrong to think that _I_  hold your life in my hands, indeed, it is the other way, I am eternally yours, you alone hold my heart!" (I realise that Jay is being a little intense here with the proclamations of love, but he's a Continental European, from one of the romance-language countries no less, how could you  _not_ expect him to be dramatic?)

Now Rei (as we all know, being Sailor Moon addicts) is not usually one to jump into things irrationally, especially when it comes to the scary and risky issue of love, but there was something special about Jay, and everything he said about being kindred spirits and having one soul touched a chord in her heart. Already she thought him handsome, kind and honourable, so the extra push of saying all the perfect things and sparing her life tipped the scales heavily in his favour, plus, she was still hyped up on all of the adrenaline. She leaned in, closed her eyes and kissed him.

Now I won't try and take the record away from Serena and Darien of the best kiss of all time, but this was certainly a fervent one, full of Hispanic fire and all the inner passion and pent up aggression of Rei for having had to serve such a nincompoop sorceress for so long.

Everyone cheered (well, all except for Beryl, who had no idea what was going on because she'd locked herself in her panic room and refused to come out) and eventually, when Jay and Rei (hehehe, that rhymes! Rei and Jay, Jay and Rei...Reijay...Jayrei hehehe... *ahem* sorry. Moving on...) Eventually when Jay and Rei broke their kiss and promised their love for each other, everyone (bar Beryl, of course, who was hiding herself away) jumped into the now very crowded carriage and raced up north to Diamond's palace.

"Hold on, Serena my love," whispered Darien, "We're coming for you."


	19. How To Make a Dramatic Entrance

They arrived at the Royal Palace under the cover of night, Zacharoni was not limping nearly as much as before, especially with Ami's great care, but he was still very weak and definitely unable to put up any sort of fight if it came to that. Since Rei and Jay had been battling intensely for an entire night and most of the next day they were exhausted and could barely keep their eyes open. Darien was still a little affected by all the drugs Beryl had used to pacify him and had spent the whole day concentrating hard on driving the carriage and worrying about Serena, so he wasn't at his best, either. That left Norman, Makoto and Ami in peak condition, and while Makoto had some skill with a sword, Ami had none. This did not bode well for the rescue. The plan was to storm the castle and it seemed like almost everyone who could actually do some fighting were not in a state to do so.

No one realised this more keenly than Darien, but there was no other option, the palace was surrounded by sheer high walls, the only way in was to either sneak in or to fight through the main entrance, and given the level of security in place for the next day's wedding celebrations, the first option was an impossibility, the latter one was not exactly a plausible scenario either, but what other choice did they have?

With heavy hearts and thoughts filled with last wishes and regrets, Darien and the others made ready, drawing their swords or any weapons they had. (It was all very dramatic and emotional since they all knew that there was very little chance for any, let alone all of them, to come out of this alive).

"Friends, if we do not survive, I must tell you now, it has been an high honour and a very great privilege," said Darien. Now this would have been the start of a very tender moment, with hugs, handshakes and maybe a rousing speech, but it was ruined by Norman, surprisingly, because all of a sudden he turned and ran away. Literally, without saying a word, he turned to the direction they'd come from and bolted.

"Norman!" cried out Makoto, shocked to the core at his apparent cowardice (I'm betting you think you know what's going to happen now, that you've seen this this kind of plot many times already and that it's all pretty standard - that everyone is meant to think the character has abandoned his friends and duty but in actual fact he's thought of a plan to save the day, well, let me tell you... that's actually exactly right. Alright _fine_ , so sometimes I go for the obvious plot, ok? When _you_ come up with something better then we'll talk).

Norman stopped some distance away and had it not been for his taller than average size, his friends would not have spotted him at all in the darkness.

It seemed as if he was looking up at something, but even Darien's keen dark and stormy eyes could not make out much. "What is he doing?" he whispered in thought, more to himself than the group. He received a few 'I don't knows' and shoulder shrugs as his answer. "Norman!" Darien called out as quietly as he could, "What are you doing?"

He was ignored.

It was only after several minutes that the giant whistled over for his friends to join him (he made it sound like a bird call, of course, so the palace guards blocking the palace entrance nearby didn't suspect anything). After a moment's hesitation Makoto was the first to leave the group, Darien and Jay soon followed with the other two women.

There was a keen sparkle in Norm the Giant's blue eye, even through the cloak of night Makoto could see it. She smiled at him. "You have a plan," she said, somehow knowing it innately.

Norman put a large hand unexpectedly on her cheek. "Tonight, I have learned much more than that." He looked up, smiling contentedly, and pointed with his free hand to the clear black sky, seemingly sparkling as it was, with diamond dust. "My mother passed on some of her gift for divination, and tonight the stars are burning their very brightest. I have seen something most useful to our cause and... I have seen very much of the future," he hesitated, sure that she could hear his heart thumping in his chest, " _our_ future," he said. "They have confirmed something that I have known since the very first moment that I saw you." 

"You mean, when you ripped me off of my horse and held me down while Jay knocked me unconscious?" Makoto asked, wondering if she had misunderstood his intentions when he touched her cheek (because really if he was about to tell her that it was at that point that he had fallen in love with her - when she was screaming for her life, fear blazing in her eyes as she desperately tried to fight off her and her mistress' kidnappers - then he had another thing coming! That would have just been creepy...)

He laughed and his whole chest rumbled with the sound. "Of course not, that was the most regrettable thing I have ever done as a pirate." (Let's not forget, guys, that Norm the Giant is part of a pirate trio, who pillaged and plundered and did all sorts of other piratey things!) "I meant when you placed your horse in front of Serena's and protected her. I thought to myself, here is a woman of valour and love. And when you were so generous with that silly magical bird-"

"Mr Horace the Ill-News Hawk?"

"Indeed. I thought, not only is she courageous and loving, she is also compassionate. You are the pinnacle of all that is good in the world, Makoto of Acapulco, and I love you. The stars did not need to reveal such information to me, because I already knew it, but they did show me a happy and long life of us together, and if you will accept that future with me, then I will be the richest and most fortunate of men." 

For the first time in a very long time, Makoto's heart began to race, filling her body with love, "Oh..." was all she could say at first, and the thought of her cruel ex-love stung her chest, but then she looked up into Norman's caring eyes and she smiled. "I would like that," she said. "I would like that very much."

Unable to resist, he leaned in and kissed her deeply. (It was a sweet kiss, full of promise and happiness, sealing their steady, strong and solid love for each other in a single moment of bliss. Unfortunately it was kept short, because they had a very tight schedule to keep, and a princess to save... all the same, it was still pretty sweet).

"If I interpreted what the stars have told me," Norman said once he broke away from Makoto, "then we might still have a chance to help Serenity in time."

"You have the gift of foresight?" asked Rei (who, as we all know, also has the talent, except she's more of a fire reading lady) as she and the others approached.

"To a certain extent, I do, but it comes to me very rarely."

"When it does," said Darien, smiling brightly now and slapping his hand on Norm the Giant's great back, "it's always good news for us!"

"Indeed," said Norman, grinning. "Come, I know another way in." With that he led them around to a set of secret caves.

Ok, I've got to admit something here, I was planning this _long_ chapter describing how they went through the network of caves which were secretly designed as a dastardly maze, using Zacharoni the Bachelor's tracking skills and Altruistic Ami's location spells (and boy, was there romantic tension there!) to find their way, and then Darien had to fight a giant wolf guarding the secret palace underground tunnels, sort of like a... a guard wolf really, using nothing but a clothes peg and a chamber pot, and then they all had to swim across a pitch black lake using only their voices and their echoes (like bats) to navigate, and then Altruistic Ami had to use her superior intelligence to beat a magical knight in armour at a Chinese game called Go, and then Rei the Samurai Warrior Lady had to have a trial by fire where she literally had to walk on fire from one area to the other in order to lower a bridge, and then Makoto had to answer quite a difficult riddle and prove her heart was true, and then Jay had to be thrown across a massive ravine by Norman in order to reach a special flower which they then had to use in a potion (the recipe for which was written in three different languages - including Spanish and Japanese, so it really wasn't that much of a challenge) in order to put a giant to sleep so they could access the door he was guarding, and then Rei, Makoto and Jay (because Ami got stage fright) had to re-enact the "Dance of the Three Queens" (a famous and notoriously complicated ballet sequence) for a dragon who enjoyed the theatre but didn't have much of an opportunity to go, what with guarding the secret underground palace tunnels and all, and then they had to cross _another_ lake and Darien had to seduce the main mermaid living in it and had to convince her that the boat they were sailing on shouldn't be capsized and everyone on it drowned (and by this point he was feeling like he was really being objectified by women, but that's neither here nor there)  _and then_  they had to fight like, a hundred warriors armed to the teeth... ok, maybe not a hundred, a hundred is a bit much, let's say twenty five, or maybe thirty five... well around that number, it doesn't really matter... before they  _finally_ made it into the palace.

Anyway, I've decided not to go into detail about these events because I'm running out of time, and besides, they weren't that interesting to talk about anyway.

The important part is this: they get to the main hall of the palace (which was pretty easy going because almost everybody was attending the wedding, or at least they were at group street parties _for_ the wedding). The great doors themselves are shut and  _The Wedding March_  can be heard inside. Our heroes are all exhausted, injured, soaking wet from the lakes, freezing cold from the night air and absolutely filthy (and this was  _after_ Ami gave them a potion to help revive their spirits).

The music stopped and they could suddenly hear the mumblings of an old man. It was the priest talking, the ceremony was starting. Serena was getting married. Darien used all of his remaining strength to pull the great oak doors of the grand hall open.

"I OBJECT!" he yelled out.

The priest stopped talking, there was a sudden hush and everyone turned around to look back at him.

"But I haven't gotten to that part, yet," said the priest.

"What the blazes are you doing alive?" Diamond yelled. "That blasted Beryl is useless! Guards!" he cried out, "Guards! Seize them!"

"Darien!" Serena screamed, hitching up her massive twenty foot train and heavily embroidered, jewelled wedding dress. "Darien, my love you came for me!" She ran like lightning - or as fast as she could with such heavy gear on, so not very fast at all... it was more like a slow walking pace really, with lots of stumbling and occasional tripping in her bridal  _Louboutins_  (and no, not Christian Louboutin because he obviously was not born yet, but Douglas Louboutin, who was a forefather of Christian). When she finally reached him she embraced him fiercely and the entire collection of guests gasped at the scandalous behaviour.

"What is the meaning of this?" cried out the King (obviously the King and Queen had come from their retirement castle in the south to attend their son's wedding).

"Treason, father! It is nothing short of treason!" cried out Diamond. "Kill them! Kill them all!" and out of nowhere, the hall suddenly filled with a hundred guards (okay, so since I used a hundred before it doesn't sound so much now, so I'm going to up the figure to three hundred... I was going to say five hundred, but I figured it was getting a bit ridiculous).

"Now wait a minute, Diamond," said Saffir, his sensible younger brother (you remember Saffir, don't you? He's the one who actually runs the country). "Isn't this the Dreaded Pirate Lord Endymion that you rescued Serena from?" Saffir was frowning. "She doesn't seem to hate him very much." He had the feeling that something fishy was going on, like there was more to the story.

At that Darien went into a long explanation about everything that had happened so far (including Diamond's plan to murder Serena, and helpfully, the story was corroborated by Zacharoni the Bachelor), for good measure he also added in the part of how he was actually an ex-prince whose country had been repossessed by Diamond because of a loan. To seal the deal and get everyone of his side, he then went on about his love for Serena. It worked like a charm. He had everyone eating out of the palm of his hand and whole thing would have been resolved instantly had Diamond suddenly not stepped in. "You've ruined everything!" he yelled out in a rage and drew his sword.

What followed was a brief but intense battle, and while Diamond was an excellent fighter and Darien was exhausted, the Man in Black had an advantage: he had love on his side (remember, Darien believes in the 'power of love', like the 1980s ballad used in the commercially successful and critically acclaimed movie  _Back to the Future_ ). Darien was the victor, knocking out Diamond's sword and having the Prince Regent at his mercy, but before anyone could even think of stopping him, Darien dropped his sword and let himself be taken by the guards, knowing that death was not the answer to a problem, even an annoying one. Diamond was furious. "Kill him! Kill them all I say!"

The situation was dire and there was no hope of escape, the group were captured and the soldiers drew their swords, ready to stab all eight of our heroes to instant stabby death.


	20. The End!

"Halt! Halt!" The old Queen drew herself up to her full and regal height, her dark sapphire eyes flashing with authority and command. "Halt I say!"

All of the guards immediately withdrew their weapons and not even Diamond dared defy her. He pulled back, huffing in protest. "What  _is it_ , mother?"

"This has gone on quite enough!" The Queen indicated for the soldiers to leave. "Get back! You're all terrifying the guests! Diamond, come here this instant!"

Reluctantly the Prince Regent did as he was told, approaching his mother with a sullen look of a boy having all his fun taken away from him.

"Darling," said the Queen, looking briefly at her husband who nodded his head encouragingly and stood up to join his wife, "this time you've gone a step too far."

"But-"

"No my darling, this is simply  _unacceptable,_ " she said, wagging her royal and jewelled finger at him. "You  _cannot_  go around murdering people just because you want to start a war."

"But mummy-" he tried again.

"Hush son," said the King, "your mother has something incredibly important to say, to you and to  _all_ of the kingdom." He indicated for Saffir to approach as well. "Come, this concerns you as well."

"Father?" asked Saffir, curious now as to what his mother was about to announce.

The Queen sighed, clutching at the King's hand for support. "My darlings, there is something you must know. Diamond, my dearest... you are in fact  _not_  the Prince Regent."

To say the hall was filled with deafening gasps and chatter at this news was an understatement, people began shouting and panicking as if the world was suddenly coming to an end! The King slammed his great staff onto the marble floor, the sound reverberating around the room. "SILENCE!" he cried out, and immediately the room hushed.

"Mother, what on earth are you saying?" Diamond swallowed hard, but the lump that formed in his throat refused to go down.

The Queen sighed a second time, showing her absolute reluctance to explain. "I am saying, my darling, that technically you are not the biological son of your father, the King."

The noise reached even higher levels than before and some of the more vulnerable people fainted. "SILENCE!" cried out the King again, a heavy frown marring his features as he scanned the crowd, waiting for them to calm down. When they finally did, he turned to Diamond and gave him his most gentle smile. "Son," he said, deliberately using that word, "when I first married your mother I was very young and I had a lot of things on my mind, I had just taken over the throne from your grandfather and I had a lot of pressure on me to do well. I was inexperienced and untested. There were risks of uprisings, enemy states believed it to be the perfect time to strike our country and the people had little faith in me."

"What does this have to do with me?" demanded Diamond.

"Hush, darling, your father is getting there."

"Well apparently he isn't my father."

The King and Queen wisely ignored the jibe.

"I was a prime target for assassinations, both from outsiders who thought they could take the throne and from the inside of our own country, by those who wanted the throne for themselves. It was for this reason that your mother and I decided to try for an heir as soon as we got married, in order to safeguard the royal bloodline." He hugged his wife at this point and she clutched at his hand. "After a year of trying we worried that there was something wrong, so we consulted Miracle Malachite, who at the time was a young lad, but was a prodigy who exceeded the previous Royal Sorcerer's abilities. He established that while your mother was fertile-" (at this point Diamond, and even Saffir, went 'ewwww') "-because of the stress I was facing, my...swimmers as it were-" (an even louder 'ewwww') "were not... well, they  _weren't making the journey,_ if you take my meaning. So I came up with a plan. At first your mother refused, she even gave me  _The Look_  and I was in the royal dog house for quite a few weeks. Eventually, however, understanding the direness of the situation, she conceded."

"With great reluctance, I might add," said the Queen.

"Indeed," acknowledged the King. "The plan was to find someone suitable to... to  _fertilise_  your mother." (At that point Saffir looked at his parents with horror and Diamond visibly gagged).

"So... s- so... I am really  _not_  your son?" stammered Diamond.

"Only technically. I don't love you any less, just because we're not blood related doesn't mean we aren't family."

"Well, whose son am I?" demanded Diamond

The Queen shifted her gaze to the right, only meeting her son's light gaze with some difficulty. "It's not really that important."

Diamond knew she was deliberately keeping it from him. "Mother..."

"Really darling, it's not necessary to know," she tried.

"Mother!"

"Alright it was Febrizio the Peruvian rose pruner!" she yelled quickly, breaking under the pressure.

Diamond clutched at his heart like he'd been mortally wounded. "No!" he cried out. "I'm a... a peasant!" The words were like poison to him.

"Only half peasant..." said the King in an attempt to make Diamond feel better.

It did not. "What about Saffir?" he asked (not out of concern for his brother mind you, but because he was hoping that Saffir was also a peasant and was therefore still not as good as him).

"Yes," said Saffir, grabbing on to Diamond's last question. "What about me? Am I also a child of this... this arrangement?"

"Oh no, dear! You were completely legitimate, if unexpected," said the Queen. "Once your father got a bit older and proved himself to be a worth King, I suppose the pressure lightened and he... well, he became more virile," she smiled at that and the old King gave her a wink and light tap on the backside. "Oh you!" she giggled, blushing like a school girl.

Diamond came close to puking, but then a terrible thought occurred to him."So... does this mean that  _Saffir_  is the Prince Regent?"

At that, everyone in the crowd cheered wildly (because everyone loved Saffir - he was sensible, intelligent, kind, generous, charming, thoughtful and truly compassionate. He would be a most excellent king when the time came), but they all quieted down quickly, embarrassed at the outburst and a little fearful of the look they were getting from Diamond, who was now even more upset. "But if I'm not the Prince Regent," he said, "will I be cast out of the palace?! Banished from my beloved home?!"

"Of course not, dearest," said the Queen as both she and the King approached Diamond and placed soothing arms on him. "As far as we're concerned, you're still our son."

Feeling less worried now, Diamond dared to push further. "Will I still have my lavish war room?"

The Queen almost came straight out with an appeasing 'of course' but she stopped just in time, realising what was being asked. "Well," she said, "I'd rather you used it for some other purpose, my dear, but yes, you will."

Now Diamond began to feel much better. "And will I still be able to hunt?"

"What would stop you?" said the King, smiling indulgently.

"And tour the country when I please?"

"Just like you always have," said the Queen.

While he was on a roll, Diamond wasn't going to stop asking for things, "And parties? Can I still have my parties?"

"Just as long as they don't get out of hand."

Diamond seemed rather satisfied with this, even pleased. Then something else occurred to him. "Wait. What about my eunuch?"

The Queen looked at the King hesitantly and then back at her son. "I'm afraid, my dear, we've had to let your eunuch go. He was a little too costly even for us," she said, feeling the truth would be best. "If it helps, he's left you his trumpet with a very nice note."

This did not appease Diamond at all. "What on earth am I going to do with a eunuch's trumpet?"

"Beats me," said the Queen, shrugging.

"Well, if I'm not Prince Regent anymore, but I get to do _exactly_  the same things as when I was Prince Regent, what's the big upheaval for? All it is is a crown. Why shouldn't I just stay Prince Regent?"

"I'll handle this, mother." Saffir looked very seriously at Diamond, "Because once father died, you'd have to do all the things that I do now."

Diamond looked horrified. "What, _all_  of the things you do?"

"Indeed," said Saffir, looking a little amused.

"You mean I'd have to spend hours and hours poring over silly papers and listening to annoying peasants air their grievances?"

Diamond's irresponsibility took some of the funniness out of the situation for Saffir. (He's quite responsible, you see, so picturing the crappy king his brother would have been is quite distressing for him) "Don't forget the meetings in Parliament," he said.

Diamond's face twisted, looking like he'd just eaten something bitter, "With those stuffy old crones who wouldn't let me go to war legally?"

Saffir was starting to get annoyed. "Honestly Diamond, what did you think you'd have to do as King?"

"Well, go to war, of course," he said, making it seem like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Fight some battles, look impressive, have the people love me, that sort of thing."

Saffir went straight past annoyed and now bordered on angry. "And who was going to run the country?! Who was going to do all the day to day administration required of your position?!"

"Why, you obviously," scoffed Diamond, "you're awfully boring, you enjoy that sort of thing."

Saffir was now boiling. "I enj- YOU THINK I  _ENJOY_  IT?"

"Now, now, my dears." The Queen thought it best to intervene at this point. "Let's not squabble in front of all the important ministers and foreign dignitaries."

Saffir saw reason in this but it didn't stop him from shaking with fury. "So," he said. "I am the Prince Regent now, am I?"

"Yes dear, you are," said the Queen.

"Right," said Saffir, with a sudden gust of determination. His sapphire eyes sparkled like a mischievous elf suddenly let loose. He whipped Diamond's crown off of his head and placed it squarely on his own dark one. "Fine, then everyone hear me! You!" He pointed to guard that was holding Serena. "Release her. Release them all!"

(Everyone cheered).

"Secondly, Darien," he looked at the Man in Black, "your father's loan was made under Diamond's authority. Considering the fact that only the Prince Regent or above has final approval rights to inter-nation loans and financing, Diamond was acting  _ultra vires_."

Darien's heart thumped at the implication, barely daring to hope at what Saffir was going to say next.

"For that reason, we had  _no_  legal rights to repossess the Golden Kingdom, and if you and Serena will forget about this whole issue of Diamond trying to murder her, then we'll forgive the pirating and pillaging, so long as you promise never to do it again." He looked at Serena. "What do you think? Are those terms you'll accept?"

"Oh my gosh!" Serena gushed. "If it will mean Darien gets his country back, of course!"

Darien's heart grew so wide he felt as if his chest would burst. "Thank you..." he said breathlessly. "Thank you so much." A tear formed in his eye and Serena hugged him tightly in happiness. "My pirating days are now over."

"The second order of business: Beryl. Wherever that loopy hobgoblin is, she is  _fired_! Send an envoy to Miracle Malachite, ask him to come back," he said, pointing to a guard and flicking his hand, indicating for him to go. "Get the Royal Scribe to write him a really nice letter," he added. "Beg if you have to! Shower him with presents if you must! Do whatever it takes!"

"Diamond, brother," he then said, looking at the older man with a stern face, "come, let us be friends." He broke into a smile when Diamond reluctantly nodded and then shook his hand and embraced him. "This works out better for the both of us, anyway."

"I suppose that it does."

Saffir placed a hand on Diamond's back. "But, I will need you to cut spending down on your parties and touring, despite what mother and father say."

Diamond was about to give an almighty roar of protest but Saffir stopped him. "Because" he yelled out, effectively shutting up Diamond, "I'm going to allow you to increase the defense budget. I do not have the same fearsome reputation as you, and so like father when he first began, people will try to assassinate me, countries will try to invade, the throne will be considered fair game for many." His features softened. "I will need your help, brother."

Diamond beamed at the prospect.

"Whatever happens," said Darien, stepping up to Saffir and extending his arm, "you will have an ally in me."

Saffir smiled and clasped his hand. "I am indeed very glad," said Saffir. "Now come, your lady Serena is in a beautiful bridal gown," he pointed to the room, "her family and friends are here, our grand hall is filled with important dignitaries and guests," (the family, friends and important dignitaries and guests all cheered), "and there is a grand feast with festivities for the whole kingdom to celebrate. Why waste it? Take this as our country's wedding gift to you. A first sign of our allied friendship. Why not get married now? Have a royal wedding!"

Darien and Serena turned to each other. "Oh my darling!" cried out Serena through tears of unabashed joy, "Let us finally be together!"

"Oh!" said Makoto, who was torrenting tears of happiness, "Do! We would love to see a wedding! You two have suffered so much!"

Instead of answering, his words incapable of communicating the elation he felt, Darien simply nodded his dark head and then kissed Serena passionately.

"Horray for Serena and Darien!" cheered Jay Montoya in his Spanish accent and everyone joined in.

Suddenly Serena pulled away. "Wait!" she said and then ran to Makoto, Ami and Rei. "Let's make this a triple wedding...uh, plus one!" She yelled out. (Ok, two things, first she didn't call it a quadruple wedding because she had miscalculated and not added herself - she's not very good at maths, we all know that so she was forgiven for her mistake - second, let's just forget about the fact that technically there was no way Serena would have known about Jay and Rei being in love, or Ami and Zacharoni for that matter. Instead let's pretend the couples made it really obvious that they were together and that while Saffir and Diamond were arguing Darien had filled her in).

Everyone cheered even louder, and this time, four couples kissed!


	21. Epilogue

Aha! Gotcha! Didn't expect an ending so soon, did you now?... Or did you? ¬_¬

 _Fine,_  whether you did or didn't, I realise that everything happened quite quickly and that there are a few questions which you might still have about these characters. So I shall do my best to answer them in this epilogue.

First of all, let's begin with Darien and Serena:

They got married that day, and it really was quite a beautiful wedding. They were with friends and family and the whole day was filled with cheering and love and happiness! Lyttonia had sent over its finest bakers to make the cake so Serena had been in heaven (it was a nine tiered number, made alternately with fruit cake and chocolate cake. And it was white, with decorative flowers all over it... the groom figurine on top was discreetly removed at one point by Makoto (who was being very thoughtful) who coloured his hair in from white to black, but other than that, the cake was perfect). Lyttonia even sent over a pinkUnipup (a cross between a puppy and a unicorn), one of the rarest creatures on the planet. Queen Jennifer had sent a gift of many adorable bunnies, doves and kitties as well as wonderful flowers: lillies, roses, chrysthanthemenemunuthums (I think that's how they're spelt), giant daisies, sunflowers, birds of paradise, orchids, peons, violets, bluebells, sweetpeas, hyacinths, buttercups and plenty of baby's breath.

They honeymooned in the Golden Kingdom and they were soon settled there, the kingdom growing and flourishing quickly under its benevolent and (in the case of Darien) wise rulers (actually that's a bit unfair, Serena did learn very quickly, and benefitted from those years of study when she was researching Darien's death, plus she had Makoto and on occasion Ami to tutor her, but I'll get to them soon enough). Serena continued her charitable works and was beloved by the entire kingdom. She became a patron of the arts and sciences (through the encouragement and recommendation of her mother, who by that point had become a world-reknown string theorist) and even set up a shelter for cats (even though she didn't like them). 

Serena and Darien eventually had a daughter and she grew up to be as capable as her father and as sweet as her mother. She eventually married Diamond's son (who looked a lot like his father but had the sensibility and kindness of his uncle, so don't worry). So once again their two kingdoms were joined, but this time it was under much nicer circumstances.

Now, while we're on the topic of Diamond, let's move onto him, shall we?

Diamond, while a lousy Prince Regent, was actually a very good defender of the kingdom and he won many battles (Saffir was right, there were quite a few countries which had tried to invade, but thanks to Diamond's love for war and his fighting prowess, they were all defeated). The people loved him in his capacity as protector of the country, so in the end, everything worked out well for him too. He even got married and had a son (as said above).

Staying with the villains, let's mention Beryl quickly. _Eventually_  she let herself out of her panic room, and, realising that Diamond would soon find out that she had disobeyed his orders (and knowing that Rei would reveal that she was a fraudulent sorceress), she took all of her money and ran, moving into a neighbouring country and setting up the very first Pyramid Scheme. She managed to earn a cool half a million before she was caught, wherein she was forced to return all of the money and thrown into prison. After only a month she somehow escaped and is said to be living in the forest... probably in Miracle Malachite's and Mad Mina's old home (don't worry, we'll get to them right now).

The envoy took much longer to find Miracle Malachite and Mad Mina than originally anticipated, because remember, they had gone into hiding, and when sorcerers go into hiding it's nearly impossible to find them. But with Zacharoni the... well he wasn't a bachelor any more... with his help, they were finally found and were offered their old positions of Royal Sorcerers of the King. Malachite, however, still too pained by the harsh criticism of the previous monarchy and being replaced by Beryl, politely declined, suggesting his mentee, Altruistic Ami, instead, since she was very wise and a whiz when it came to science and medicine. Zacharoni joined her and began learning the business when he wasn't off tracking things, and he did well, surprisingly, even taking on the new name Zealous Zacharoni (look there were not many 'A' options for Ami, that was difficult enough, there are even less possibilities for 'Z'!). They actually worked really well as a couple because Ami was the type of gal who was very independent herself and understood Zacharoni's zeal for following his passion and vocation. Saffir was just as pleased to have them, especially when he saw how good Altruistic Ami was at her job, and Altruistic Ami was more than grateful for the opportunity.

Since Miracle Malachite and Mad Mina had declined to work for Saffir, Darien offered up a position of Head Sorcerer in the Golden Kingdom and it was gladly accepted (and thus formed the great friendship of Darien and Malachite which lead onto many adventures, but that's for another time). Also, as a side note, the Magical Wing of the Golden Palace became famous for the frequency of its main residents for getting into magical spats.

Makoto of Acapulco, for obvious reasons, also moved to the Golden Kingdom (to be near Serena in case it wasn't actually obvious). Norm went with her, and as if by some stroke of fate, the Golden Kingdom was right next door to the forest where Norm the Giant grew up in, so Makoto got to meet his family, who were all just as tall and very welcoming (and also rumoured to be fae). Makoto became Royal Chef, so she landed her dream job and got her dream love and her dream life. Norm was named official giant of the Golden Kingdom and was made a diplomat, being the first one sent to make alliances with other countries (remember, being rumoured to be half fae, he had an automatic calming effect on people. Something which was quiet useful in the world of diplomacy).

They lived the remainder of their years in bliss.

As for Jay and Rei, they became official bodyguards for the King and Queen of the Golden Kingdom, with Mad Mina enhancing Rei's already magical relationship with fire and making her a most formidable warrior. Eventually, Jay and Rei set up a school for fencing (when King Darien and Queen Serena went into retirement), just like Jay had always wanted, with Rei as its head trainer. It was known as the greatest school of sword fighting ever created. It became world-famous, great families and the most skilled of swordspeople would journey from countries as far off as the United Arab Emirates and Easter Island (who were well known for their sword fighters) to come learn at this school. It reputation still holds (Aragorn trained here, Gandalf recommended it, actually).

So, I think that's everyone, it's been a heck of a ride, but I think we're all glad that this tale has reached its conclusion. Like I promised, no one died (except for the troll,Darien's father - which happened off screen and pre-story, so it doesn't count - and a few iridescent shark) and even the villains end up somewhat happy in the end. Who could ask for better?

I think there really isn't much left to say other than, well...

_AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER_

THE END

NO, SERIOUSLY, THAT'S IT. YOU CAN LEAVE NOW, I'M DONE. THERE'S NO MORE STORY.


End file.
